Hi awol, thanks for asking. I speak as one who is trying to recover from a childhood filled with darkness, and I didn't really know why. I thought I was bad, I thought I didn't belong, that I wasn't like other people, that the world was against me and that the world would be better off without me and i would be better off without it. I'm sorry to go on so long, but I have come to believe (I'm in my 50's) that all this pain stemmed from my dad sexually touching me, and my mom's anger and denial. I had nightmares of animals chasing me and firing squads firing at me, but I never have had any dreams or memories of the actual abuse. Please, please do not put your daughter in any situation where there is any possibility of anyone even looking at her with sexual longing. You could tell your in-laws that you do not let her sleep over anywhere yet, or whatever you need to. I personally do not believe that your wife's dreams were Oedipal in origin. It is not normal for any little girl to have sexual fantasies or dreams. Or at least I can say that it is much more common than people want to believe that men touch little girls. They will deny deny deny, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Please please protect your daughter.

One more thing, I would never ever let her stay there by herself, not when she's 8, not when she's 13, not when she's 18, unless you sleep in the room with her.

awol83,

It's not unusual for a survivor move in and out of denial where abuse is concerned. And for that reason alone, I'd say, "No way would I let any child of mine be placed in a situation where she might be abused."

Add to that the fact that step dad is using a theory (Oedipus Complex) that has come into question by contemporary psychologists.

According to Jeffrey Rubin, Ph. D., "Freud distorted the meaning of Oedipus Complex to suit his theoretical preconceptions."

According to theory the Oedipus Complex kicks in between the ages of 3 to 6 and is resolved when the child identifies with the same-sex parent at a later developmental stage.

Your wife was 19 when she attributed her abuse to dreams. The Oedipus Complex would have been long resolved by that time. So, what are those dreams really about?

Finally, I disagree with step dad who has convinced your wife that "it's normal to have dreams about being molested...." There's a difference between dreaming you're sleeping with your dad and dreaming you're being molested.

Listen to yourself awol83, listen to your gut so you won't put your daughter in danger.

My gut says no. But it's your gut that counts.

xx
SuzA

I 100% agree with Reading. Would you let your daughter spend the night at her friends house if the friend said she was molested by her father but then later said no it was just a dream? No, right? Why do we try to overlook things or go against our better judgment just because they are "family". When it comes to our children we should follow the same rules and guidelines we do for strangers and non-family members.

What everyone else has already said. If in doubt, I suggest you err on the side of caution.

Yeah I definitely agree. What I'm really wondering is there anyone else who didnt believe it really happened when they were in denial? I want to show my wife and him that just because she doesn't think it happened anymore, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

@suzA66, yeah I looked up the Oedipus complex theory. Turns out that it was Freud's second theory on the matter of the dreams. His first one was that dads were touching there daughters but he felt it would go over well with his colleagues at the time.

Believe me when I say I do trust my gut on this and I know I'm right but now it's me vs my wife and her family and without my wife on my side, I don't have much except behavior patterns and characteristics. They're harder to stick.

I still have days (many actually) when I tell myself Norway did that happen. Then I start second guessing myself, then that leads to guilt for thinking that about my father. I will do that for hours sometimes days. That is very normal. Mabey you have to look at it like cause and effect.....when it rains outside the ground is wet. If you gently approach her and just ask questions of things that don't add up in her life, if she has those. For me my husband pointed out after 15 years of marriage I would tell the same 10 stories about my childhood and I never realized until that moment, that was all I remembered. I have tons of things like that, does she? I hope that helps. :)

awol83,

I walked away from my sister who wanted to talk about the abuse in our childhoods; I was 18 years old at the time and pushed that conversation as far down as I could. I could not deal with it and instead spent years living in my head.

It would not be until my father died that the memories began to return; I was 40 by that time. Denial kept the memories at bay and it also kept me from living a full, rich life for over 20 years.

I wish I could have talked to my sister about it when I was 18 but obviously could not deal with it at that time.

It may help to read The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis. There are stories that may support your position.

xx
SuzA

Sorry, autocorrect.....grrr. I ment nothing happened not Norway.

I agree with Suz, "The Courage to Heal", is an amazing tool. It really helped me.

I agree with everyone else, I would not let my child sleep there. I denied my abuse to myself for years.Making myself think it did not happen. It was not until my grandfather died that I accepted what he had done.

I would just say that you need to be careful with how you approach this with your wife - for the sake of your daughter you do not want to alienate her or make her think she has to choose between you and her family (in case she chooses her family).

You weren't there, you don't know for sure what did or didn't happen - however you can say that from what you observe you are not comfortable with your daughter being left with her step-father unsupervised (her mother is not qualified to supervise either - if it happened, it happened under her nose)

If your wife isn't ready to face any abuse that might have happened, forcing the issue won't help. I think it might be useful to talk to a professional on how best to navigate this one.

I did not have any memories of abuse until my father passed away. I also believe something happened in bed at 2 AM. I used to wake up screaming at that time. I remember Dreams of snakes and spiders and of out of body experiences. I also have had flashbacks of my fathers face right in front of me in bed. With all that A part of me dose not believe any thing happened at that time even tho I know things happened at other times.

Trust your gut on this one. I would think it is rare to say you were molested if you weren't. It is not rare to go in and out of denial about it. I said I thought my father molested me to my best friend when I was 21. It was upsetting for her to hear so I went back into denial for another 18 years. I still go back and forth because it is too difficult to deal with the truth all at once.

Better safe than sorry with your daughter even if you have to make up an excuse of why she can't stay overnight. I don't have kids of my own but I would want my child to know that if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable regardless who they are, that it's not okay and to tell you. That has to be a difficult discussion and part of the reason I never had kids. Good luck to you.

awol83, i am sorry you are faced with this. to answer the comment you made about needing help with your wife and her family, here is what I can contribute. First, my gut tells me your wife was molested and her stepdad is a pedophile. How he can justify the dreams as normal says it all to me. What if your daughter told you one day she had had dreams like that about you? Wouldn't you be "ewww" on the inside although on the outside you would not want to be unkind about how you expressed to your daughter that it was not normal? It is possible that your wife was molested by someone else and there have been dreams that featured her stepdad. But more likely she was having memories or flashbacks that she decided were just dreams. I had many nightmares as a child and resisted sleeping and all sleeping routines as a child because it was when I was sleeping that my grandfather had his opportunities. the sad thing is you won't be able to convince your wife until she is ready to be brave enough to get out of denial. think how hard that must be for her because telling the truth means she must defy and reject her mother too, or so it feels to her. I think instead of approaching this as "how do I convince them" since all of them are likely in denial and you can't fix that you have to approach this as a father who has a boundary that is going to be applied consistently (by the way are your parents living and are they nearby? how do your parents figure into your daughter's life?) In other words, I would just say, "there's no need to discuss it or argue about it anymore, she is not sleeping over by herself, we visit as a family period." This will protect your wife too and one day she will hopefully appreciate that. The conversation needs to end because it is just going to be destructive. Your wife should consider therapy about the dreams. Maybe a therapist could help her see what you can't - and don't feel bad about that. Right now your wife feels conflicted about loyalty to the authority figures of her life v. loyalty to her husband, and she is not ready to separate enough from her parents to just back you. that is what she needs to do though. maybe marriage counseling would be useful too because that is so important. for one person to undermine the other with children or with parents is a recipe for disaster. I can understand why your wife is making this error because she is afraid to admit what really happened. I was afraid too. It took me years and even now when I have flashbacks I doubt them. I think wow I am so sick to think that happened. No way did that happen. That is just me being sick. But I am not a sick person, never have been. It was my grandfather who was the sicko.

take care awol, and keep protecting your little girl. So many parents fail to protect their children - good for you for following your instincts on this.