Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
My regular therapist told me what happened to me was covert sexual abuse. It felt like molestation to me. I called RAINN, and they said I was molested. A couple months ago, my EMDR therapist told me that she'd talk to therapists. And she told me that what happened to me wasn't sexual abuse. And I asked her if I should go back and tell my 3 siblings that I wasn't abused. She said ,"No, because you researched what happened to you." She said my mom was just getting me ready for bed. And I was just looking for an excuse as to why my life turned out as it has. But later she said that she didn't want to label what happened to me. She said she touched you in your private parts. We even did work on the bath episode I'll be explaining. Why would she say something so contradictory? Maybe she was looking for me stand up for myself and tell her she was wrong? idk. It's really bothering me.
I feel like I was sexually abused by my mom. There was also physical and verbal abuse. It felt like molestation. The last time she gave me a bath, I was 9. I told her I was too old to be getting a bath from her. She did it anyway. She gave an excuse as to why she was still doing it. And right at the end I knew where she was going to dry me off. Right between my butt and then my penis. So, I know this wasn't the first time, but it was the last. There felt like there was sexual energy there too.
Another time when I was 16, she walked in on me when I was changing. She stood there and watched while I had no clothes on. I hurried up and got dressed. Afterwards, she said, "She's seen worse."
These are the 2 most damaging things that happened to me. There were other verbal and physical encounters as well. She would hit me on the top of the head with her knuckle. And say verbally things she shouldn't have said. She was never supportive.
What's bothering me the most is what my EMDR therapist told me. Why would she say that? I have OCD, and I can't get it out of my mind. I don't see her anymore. Does anybody have any thoughts as to why she would tell me I wasn't sexually abused? And then later do work on it? It keeps making me second - guess myself. It sure felt like abuse. Or maybe I wasn't abused? I keep going back and forth. My regular therapist calls what happened to me covert sexual abuse. It felt like molestation to me.
I feel like I was sexually abused by my mom. There was also physical and verbal abuse. It felt like molestation. The last time she gave me a bath, I was 9. I told her I was too old to be getting a bath from her. She did it anyway. She gave an excuse as to why she was still doing it. And right at the end I knew where she was going to dry me off. Right between my butt and then my penis. So, I know this wasn't the first time, but it was the last. There felt like there was sexual energy there too.
Another time when I was 16, she walked in on me when I was changing. She stood there and watched while I had no clothes on. I hurried up and got dressed. Afterwards, she said, "She's seen worse."
These are the 2 most damaging things that happened to me. There were other verbal and physical encounters as well. She would hit me on the top of the head with her knuckle. And say verbally things she shouldn't have said. She was never supportive.
What's bothering me the most is what my EMDR therapist told me. Why would she say that? I have OCD, and I can't get it out of my mind. I don't see her anymore. Does anybody have any thoughts as to why she would tell me I wasn't sexually abused? And then later do work on it? It keeps making me second - guess myself. It sure felt like abuse. Or maybe I wasn't abused? I keep going back and forth. My regular therapist calls what happened to me covert sexual abuse. It felt like molestation to me.
As far as her ONE comment, it may have made you uncomfortable, and it may not have been completely appropriate for a mom to say- but it was only one comment. If you had said she was stalking you trying to see you naked and making catcalls, I would be more likely to think you were abused.
Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean here, but it sounds a lot like you ARE looking for a reason to be upset with your mom or someone to blame for things.
I am from the south and if the worse you got was a knuckle upside the head occasionally, then you were doing pretty good in my opinion. Where I am from, old fashioned butt busting's are the norm. I spanked my kids and so far- 3 out of 4 are doing just fine. My husbands parents used to rap him on top of his head when he was a boy, but that's as far as it really went. Just a couple of raps to make him pay attention. now if your mom was punching you, that is different.
Maybe someone else has a different opinion, but I do think perhaps you are looking for something that wasn't really there, unless there is more to the story?
I based my opinion off of your story and your statement that those were the two most damaging things that happened to you.
I do hope you get it sorted out though. Best of luck.
I have to disagree with the term "covert" incest. I don't see that at all in your story. Actually, as a mom- not even a little bit. I cold be missing something but I really don't think so.
I know it is hard to have a problem and not be able to "blame" it on something but sometimes there just is nothing and no one to place the blame on.
Look at it like this: say you are driving down a country road at the very legal speed being very careful and all of a sudden out of nowhere jumps a deer and you cant avoid it and you hit it.
Does that mean its your fault? Gods? the deers? No, nature just happens and theres no one to blame. That is just how it is.
Actually, I have a better scenario. I have a nephew who was diagnosed with stage 4 nephroblastoma when he was 5 months old. They had to remove a kidney and go back in and do another surgery since then. He has also been on 5 different types of Chemotherapy since then and now he isn't quite two yet. That is well over a year of nothing but hospital stays and chemo and illness. It is not his moms fault, or his dads fault. It isn't in his genes. It isn't HIS fault. It isn't the way he was taken care of or what kind of formula he got. It is just something that happens that we have to take care of. He has fought for his life this whole time, but its not his fault that he has been sick. It is what it is.
No one just CHOOSES to be depressed or to have OCD. My stepbrother didn't CHOOSE to be schizophrenic, nor did his parents make him that way. My nephews parents didn't give him cancer. It just happened. No one is to blame for it.
One of the things that we have done to handle things is to of course give my nephew his meds. We made sure my stepbrother had his meds. We followed the doctors advice and adjusted meds until they were right.
Are you on meds and under a doctors care? That would be your first step. If you have a good therapist, then great. But a full medical eval may help you figure out what all the issues are.
But when you are dealing with Mental Health and Depression and things that you cant actually see physically or things that have no actual appearance, then they CAN be harder to accept AND a lot harder to deal with.
...I think you belong here.
I think therapists should not define whether you "qualify" as a sexually abused person...
...If it's bothering you, it was traumatic, IMO.