Being sexually abused really messes up our sexuality. Some people lose all sense of boundaries, some people become driven by hyper-sexuality, some people lose their sexuality and go numb, and some people become terrified of sex. What happened to you is "normal" for an abuse survivor. I'm glad you're aware enough to realize what you were doing and why, and make conscious choices.

It is a cruel truth that the abuse we suffered as kids continues to hurt us throughout our lives until we get through the painful healing process.

Thanks for the reply

That's what happened to me after my assault as a teen and then losing my virginity to his friend. Was really having sex with anyone anywhere for about a while. I didn't respect my body or myself. I've been in therapy and have been working on boundaries and healing.

Same thing with me. A lot of people talk about losing trust after being sexually assaulted, but you don't often hear about the opposite end of that dysfunction.

We may not feel good enough to protect, and can trust too easily w/o thinking of consequences. No boundaries. After all, our families didn't keep us safe or respect us, so why should we care about ourselves?

Yes it does kinda feel like a step up from incest, doesn't it? Like we're the ones in control so now it's our choice.

For me, it was validating to know that I was still a sexual human being that people were attracted to, instead of the disgusting mess I felt like. Sex was the only thing I got validation for, and it felt safe not having any emotional ties to anyone. So I just compartmentalized sex with a person I hardly knew into a separate area of my consciousness, where I couldn't feel anything. Put myself in physical danger to feel emotionally safe. How messed up is that?

I've been on both sides of that coin...hypersexual and asexual...and got criticized by people for both behaviors. But I suppose it's just the one coin with two faces.

Maybe normal will never be in our vocabulary. I think being sexually assaulted during childhood changes us for life. I try to accept that I'm different and reach an accommodation with it. I especially like the new social movement that says that any sexuality that doesn't involve children is OK, including asexuality.

It would be nice to have people just accept me for what I am, instead of trying to force me into the mold of what they think people should be. After all, people do have reasons for the way they are sometimes. Last thing I want to do is share those reasons with meddling strangers...incest is not something I want to chat about with them.

I am just so sick of people trying to "fix" my sex life.

Sex was the only way I got love as a teen.

Found out that sexual feelings can hurt and sex isn't love.... I learn from failure and humiliation... I guess I would pick guys who I knew would reject me to have crushes on as a way to explore the fear feelings, but I'm married and a bit more attractive since I've lost weight, so I need to stop that forever.

The more I read in the discussion boards the more I learn about why I did things when I was younger. I can relate to this topic. Sex is just an act and it is not love so why not. I was up front and honest when AI met my hubby. He was not like the other guys I had sex with, he made me feel something. I felt he needed to know about my "conquest" but, did not tell him about the abuse as a child which seemed to be worse than being the town whore. He said what happened before we met did not matter.

I had a chance to start over and lucky for me 31 years later he is still by my side even after telling him about my abuse just a few years ago. Seems strange that sleeping with dozens of men was less shameful than being molested by my own father.