What's so weird about that? Sounds like mild S&M... It's rape issues, too. I used to get these scary attraction/fear feelings, which I thought were "crushes" but I realized there were fear undercurrents. Because my first experiences were sexual assaults, did part of me think rape or incest was sex? I was kicked in the butt and groin by a male dance teacher, but did part of me think his anger at me seeming sexual during dance class was hot? That's how bad my issues are.

There's nothing wrong with you; there's something wrong with your mom, and it wasn't your fault.

Trauma re-enactment comes in many different forms.

weather,

I agree with bluedragon44 that it's trauma re-enactment. You were conditioned/programmed for this behavior. You can change it. But, you have to want to. A behavioral psychologist may be able to help you.

Question: if you've kept this hidden from your wife how do you know she'd never do anything like that? And are you being fair to her by acting "...these out with someone else who understands?"

You're not a freak. Rather, it sounds like you're early conditioning is running your life. You have a decision to make; continue to let it or get some help reprogramming yourself.

SuzA

I have similar sexual preferences. Are these directly connected to the abuse? Are they inherently bad? My therapist says no and no, but I still wonder and often feel like bad for enjoying rough, kinky sex.

Thanks for posing the question. I felt alone in this quandary.

Yes..I've hinted to her about it..she made the statement. ."that's sick".. so that was that. So I've continued to keep it secluded. I used to see a domme years ago..but no longer do..can't afford it. I've looked at different sites..trying to find a female who has similar interests in roleplay. .but can't find anybody who Is trustworthy..or somebody who likes..kinky things like myself..all these sites they want money..I don't want that. I get so much happiness in just helping somebody else live out their fantasys..or desires. Guess I feel trapped..

weather,

Trapped? By your preferences?

You may find the book by Norman Doidge, M.D., helpful. It's called The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science.

Chapter 4 talks about Acquiring Tastes and Loves: what neuroplasticity teaches us about sexual attraction and love

Chapter 6 talks about "Using Plasticity to stop worries, obsessions, compulsions, and bad habits.

Feeling trapped can be changed, IMO, unless you don't want to change.

SuzA

I guess I've just accepted my desires..if i have to act on them once in awhile just to help me be cslmer..then so be it. I've found out I'm not the only one like this.