Hey there- first of all, it's very natural, in fact extremely common for survivors to suffer depression. I suffer from depression and PTSD, and I know a number of others in this group that battle the same thing. I fully understand how it can seem that the depression is taking over your life, but it's essential that you take the steps toward taking your life back. Are you in therapy? I have been for four years, and I would highly recommend it. Therapy isn't easy, but it's essential in dealing with all of the horrible things that come with the "aftermath" of abuse. Also, maybe meds? I never wanted to be on meds, but I finally gave in and am now on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Now, not everyone takes the medication route, so I'm not telling you, you NEED to be on meds, but may be something to consider?

Just know that you're not alone. Just about every single one of us in this group are dealing with depression as related to our abuse. It's tough, it really can control your life, but if you are willing to make the effort to try and make things better, I can promise it CAN get better.

Hang in there!

Hi. I do have a long history of depression and I have been treating it along with many other things.

There's definitely a relationship between traumatic events and depression, but in my case I deal with way too many hings for me to be able to say which caused my depression. I have ocd, ptsd and I am a survivor of a lot of different forms of abuse.

I do not take meds for depression, but I do address it. I recognize the signs and make sure I take care of myself. I try to push myself to take walks and exercise some, I take care of myself and try not to obsess about it, I make a phone call to friends or family, and I try to stay away from things, situations or people that might be harmful to my overall mental well being.

I'm not 100% successful, but I get to have days when I feel fine.

Like AimeeD said, you're definitely not alone in this.

I seem to suffer from pretty severe chemical depression. I take happy pills. They establish the chemical preconditions for happiness. I still have to work at it.

Note this is not a proven concept I'm linking to
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/05/100504102124.htm

I've had depression on and off all my life. it has got better since I've been facing the abuse and dealing with it.

One thing I have learned to do is to look after myself when I have it. I don't criticise myself and say I should not be depressed, I allow it and I try to remember to do something nice for myself to make me feel better. (OK, sometimes this works better than others)

It's not nice but it is OK to be depressed. You have a lot to be depressed about. You need care and affection. If there is no one else around who will give it to you, then give it to yourself.

Hugs.

I've had chronic depression for most of my life. When I started remembering the sexual abuse I went into very severe depression. I also have PTSD and DID. All related to the abuse. When I was in severe depression I took a much higher dose of antidepressant than I am taking now, but the small dose I take now helps. I also take medication for sleep and night terrors. It all helps and the only side affect I'm noticing is some dry mouth. I also see a therapist. That helps also.

As far as severe depression goes, believe that you can get through it. I know how hard it is, but I also believe that once these issues come up the best rout is through. In my case it took a lot of help, a therapist and support groups. I wish you well and try to believe that you can get through the depression.

Pippilotta, in her book for partners, Laura Davis (co-author of The Courage to Heal), said, (I'm paraphrasing), "For a full year, all I did was eat, sleep and talk incest until one day, I went to lunch with a friend and she said to me, 'Do you realize you haven't said a word about incest?'"

I believe it's hard to NOT focus on it - especially when we're going through the healing process. I have the intrusive thoughts, the horrible flashbacks. What's not to be depressed about? It's depressing to realize the reality of what's happened to you. It's depressing to come to terms with the gravity of the consequences which are different for everyone, yet often the same.

I recently saw a psychiatrist for the umpteenth time in a state program (I was placed in PHP) and he is the only psychiatrist I've ever grown to respect. He said to me:

You have a big mountain to climb. What is the easiest part of climbing a mountain? The bottom and the top. When you're at the bottom, you're just starting, you're determined. When you get to the top, you can see the end in sight and you can almost sprint there. But in the middle, is where you want to fall back, fall back down to the bottom. Don't do it, he said. Sit down and rest, but don't fall back.

I think this is a fabulous analogy for what we experience. We're climbing a HUGE mountain and when it gets overwhelming, sit down. Breathe. Don't fall back. Keep moving. You'll get past the middle.

((hugs))

That's a great metaphore paige. When the going gets hard then its time to keep going but maybe by taking just one step at a time. I sometimes allow myself to look back down the mountain to see just how far I have come. That can feel good and it reminds me I just do not want to go back down there.

Yes Pip, Depression is the skeleton which grows as we do it supports our fears our insecurities about what we have had to endure. I fight with it daily sometimes and others not so much. If you feel stuck in quicksand from depression I will give you the practical advice I learned. Stop fighting it and reach out your hand and ask, yell, let someone know where you are and that you need help. The thoughts will be there but you can realize what they are even though they may sway your emotions you can realize they are emotions that will come and go. Reach out your hand now that you realize the depression is confining you. Reach out and you will get the help you need, here or elsewhere. Everyone here knows the struggle and can identify with it, reach out... and think well. Best wishes. :)

oh yes I can really relate...i have been depressed my whole life because of the incest i suffered and sometimes it's harder to cope with than at others, i do take an antidepressant and i do believe there is no shame in asking for a little chemical assistance when the going really gets too tough to handle...i love the analogy of the mountain and i will echo what my psychiatrist told me, which is to keep moving...even if it's backwards...or sideays...as long as you keep moving and dont stay stuck in your negative emotions...reaching out for help is probably one of the toughest things we have to do as survivors because too many of us have literally had to go it alone for most if not all of our lives...again i say there is no shame in admitting we are human too and we need love and care and affection and are ENTITLED to it just as much as anyone else on this planet...

keep on keeping on Pip...

love manda xxx

I also struggle with severe depression. It is a totally normal reaction to being violated in just about the worst, if not the worst, way imaginable. If you weren't depressed, that would be worrisome. How you feel is not only a normal reaction, but a very healthy one. One thing I can say though is DO NOT TURN YOUR SADNESS AGAINST YOURSELF. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just very sad about what has happened. Many people would have offed themselves by now and the fact that you are still here proves incredible strength and resilience. You are amazing just for surviving. If it is something you think about a lot, maybe your brain is trying to tell you it's time to work through your feelings. I can only speak for myself on this and don't want it to seem like I'm telling you what to do at all. But as soon as I decided it was ok that I was very sad and mad, I stopped feeling bad inside myself. I still feel bad, a lot, but its not stuck inside me anymore, which does feel better, even though its a different kind of bad. I always felt this pressure that things had to be good and ok and I had to feel ok, but I don't have to and I don't feel that way. Maybe I'll never be less angry or sad about it, but I can see now that I am incredible for having lived through such intense feelings and mistreatment. And you are so amazing too. As for medicine, whatever feels right for you. I was put on medicine because I was acting out, but it did not work for me. Some people want it though. Whatever makes you feel right inside is what you should do and there is nothing wrong with whatever that is. Hope sharing some of my story helped, hope i'm not like, telling you what to do.

Pip, I'm right there with you too. The intrusive thoughts are hard on me too but I finally just accepted they were going to be there and that I didn't have to be ashamed of them. I keep reminding myself I am safe from my abuser and whatever will help me get in touch with my emotions is worth the exploration.

I too could not get by without 'mommy's little helper.' I used to take trazadone, clonipin and lexapro when I was going through my divorce and the custody battle. I needed every single dose too. my ex was sexually abusive and enjoyed psychologically torturing me. He still tries. Just tonight he tried one of his little tricks and I totally took the bait.

one thing that helps is giving myself permission to feel rage. I read a book once that said the antidote to depression was uncapping the rage bottle. I admit it feels good to fantasize about holding my abusers accountable with a healthy dose of righteous rage.

now I am on some natural remedies, supplements that are good for anxiety and depression and help me sleep. I also see a therapist and tried EMDR, which I found very helpful. The depression is still with me, but I am functioning pretty well considering.

I hope this helped a little - reaching out to others and remembering you are not alone is half the battle.

Wow! Thank you so much. I was so worried about posting this post...but so exhausted I didn't know what else to do. But, all of guys have helped me so much. I love the mountain analogy....that is just what it is like. Maybe I am in the middle of the mountain feeling too tired to go on to the top and wanting to slide back down to the bottom...but I don't want to be there either. I think I have been just as ashamed of my depression...thinking it was weak...not normal to admit to it...but it is time to reach out. I think I am ready to do that because I am so tired of fighting this quicksand...

I love that sentence..."depression is the skeleton that grows..." And it has been growing because I have turned my sadness against myself. And, because of trust issues I have been too afraid to ask for help.

I am in therapy and in a support group, but had not fully divulged this depression. I don't know why, but felt the need to hide this depression from everybody...including my therapist.

I was on an antidepressant but stopped taking it. I convinced myself that it was just making me too groggy in the morning. But I think the real reason I stopped taking it was because...it meant that I was depressed. And I again...I've been ashamed of that depression. I think I am going to start looking at going back on some sort of antidepressant...and I am willing to accept that I may need to be on it for a good long while. I don't know why, but only gave myself like six months to deal with this and be done. Why did I give myself such a short time limit to heal from something that I have been walking around with for over 40 years???

Sorry, for the rambling...but every post has helped me to look at and understand what I am dealing with. Thank you so much! I appreciate all of you!

I also consider my meds a mobility assistance device, you know, like a walker, scooter or cane...

Without that assistance I have trouble getting my assist out of bed...

Lol Hylierandom! I appreciate your sense of humor!

good on you pip, and please ramble away, just reaching out and writing down your thoughts helps by putting it out there, I have depression on and off, more on lately and have my meds which just take the edge off for me and help me know i don't have to go it alone. Be gentle on yourself and don't give yourself unrealistic time lines. Look at how far you have come.... you are no longer at the bottom of the mountain thinking about going up.... Deciding to move out of your comfort zone is huge! Asking for help is huge! Just remember we are here for you when things are great and not so great. All my love