When I'm done hurting myself, I'm going to take enough pills to knock myself out.

Big hug, and please don't hurt yourself. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Hello Loum,
I hope you feel better today.Maybe there could be an arrangment with somebody else in case your daughter in law is not available.
What about friends in AlAnon.I have turned to them many times in the past, as I developped trust with them.
In France, we have State helpers for poeple with invalidity;my husband is entitled to cheap taxi fares to go to his psychotherapy.I find relying on the family is awkward.

Handicap transportation is terrible where I live. They have handicap transportation but it does not run at night or on weekends. The bus that goes by where I live also does not run at night or on weekends. I work during the day. I use an electric wheelchair because I have carpel tunnel in both wrists from pushing a manual wheelchair, therefore I need a car or truck equipped with a lift or carrier. If I lived closer to Boston I could take the subway or the trains. It's about 5 miles to the nearest subway station, but that doesn't help me to get around out here. I'm not trying to be negative, but that is just the way it is.

I'm really sorry to hear this Ioum.

It sounds like you are retreating hurt, which I can totally relate to, but which won't solve the situation. Can you have an honest and open discussion with your son and daughter-in-law about it because it sounds as if maybe they didn't understand that the timing was critical?

Is there someone else you could get to drive you in your vehicle so you do not always have to ask them to do it?

Big hugs and don't hurt yourself any more. Your body needs the love just like you do.

I'm OK now. A self destructive part was triggered. I'm learning to be aware when I'm triggered even though I can't change that yet. The trigger was not being able to go where I needed to go. I was feeling angry and helpless which brought out a self destructive part. This is what I will discuss with my therapist tomorrow. Being aware of what is going on within is how we are working on things in therapy and getting in touch with those parts. I don't know how to explain it. Rather than dissociating it's staying present and aware.

"I was feeling angry and helpless which brought out a self destructive part."

Feeling angry and helpless is my biggest trigger - and my habitual response is to get ill (being ill was the acceptable self destructive/attention seeking habit of my family).

Writing this makes me realise that the way to deal with it is not to attack myself for getting ill, but to recognise and accept the anger, ideally at the time (hard), and (even harder) address the helplessness. It can be done. I am no longer the helpless child, I have a voice, I have rights - I just need to believe it.

i have to learn to stay present too and channel my anger another way than breaking things and yelling at somebody(usually my husband!)
I am getting more aware of the times I"switch" and ,in fact, go into reactivation of the abuse.
I am still very scared of some of my parts.I am scared they are going to manifest at night and hurt me.Totally irrational!Until it is dark, i am ok but with the dark comes that PTSD and intense fear of my parts, which I was not aware of until recently, through psychotherapy.
Hugs.