Chapter 9 whole again

Recovery: Denial

I have struggled with the concept of denial for a long time. In reality what is denial? From my point of view I was consciously aware I was severely abused as a kid. I knew it was not something I wanted to talk about, hell it was all over. Right? What the hell had to be talked about? I believed I had dealt with it in my early twenties and therefore I didnt have to talk about it. True, I was oblivious to the damage done regardless of the symptoms which were overly abundant. I completely understood the abuse was wrong and I equally understood I had been wronged. And yet I claim I was in denial. So what was I in denial about?

Through recovery I have learned there are different forms of Denial and in many circumstances there are stages of Denial. All of this was surprising to me. So far everything I have dealt with in recovery has neither been straight forward or simple. It seems everything is always in layers. I have found there is rarely a yes or no answer or a simple explanation. So rationally there was no denial, emotional denial was alive and well. I knew all that had happened and I knew I was completely shamed by it. Rationally that is where the logic ends. For me the denial was in two parts. First, I knew, but I did not want to admit it to anyone or myself. And secondly I was very ignorant of what can happen to the emotional mind of a child who has been abused. I believed for many years I had disconnected myself from the abuse and therefore had nothing to deal with, all the while struggling with anxiety, depression, and PSTD.


Denial was an incredible personal deception on my part. Maybe if I kept ignoring it, it would go away or people would forget and everything would be ok. So knowing something happened but consciously refusing to acknowledge it is a form of denial. Pretending is part of it but not the core issue, at least for me. Denial is the great pirate of lost and innocent lives. A deeper denial had become the part of my psyche. Subconsciously I had to protect myself at levels I could not possibly understand or be aware of. When a person and in particular a child, is so profoundly traumatized for an extended periods of time their mind and personality are in a steady state of survival. There is very little rational thinking about what is happening, only all the emotions that are triggered. It is like trying to tell someone who is on fire to stop and think about what you are doing. It is not possible. They are reacting on pure instinct. It was the same for me.

My core denial was not realizing or wanting to realize anything was really wrong or that there was very real damage done. But this conscience decision was always in conflict with my instincts. Instinctively I have always known I was carrying some very serious emotional trauma, I just never considered it damage. However my subconscious mind always had the last word. It will find ways to keep tapping you on the shoulder, trying to bring you in touch with the truth. It never stops trying, it never sleeps and it never lets go. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Well as long as something is always trying to make you aware; I guess it should be considered a good thing. The trick is to learn to talk to your subconscious mind as a partner, so to speak, rather than a threat to be feared. I suppose this would be part of the awareness stage of recovery.

Denial was a formidable barrier to break through. It is said you only break through the denial when you have hit rock bottom and there is nowhere to go except up or six foot under. I guess I reached that point in the cemetery but it sure would have been easier to accept if I didn't have to wait so long. This bothers me from a different perspective. I dont want to see any person go through this crap any longer than they have to. The thought of the years I had wasted by not stepping out of the denial is painful to conceive of. And it is more inconceivable to know there are so many out there right now on the same track that I was on. I dont think a person needs to hit bottom before they step out of denial. They just need to be educated and made aware.

The differences in me from when I was walking in denial all the time and now are extraordinary. I have a stronger sense of being a real person not someone struggling with a sense of shame, guilt and duality. I feel more whole and complete. If some one asked me how to break through the denial I would simple say I don't know, because it is different for everyone. I would suggest them to compare your life, both emotional and physical, as they are and how they compare to what you see as healthy traits. I would say don't trust your head and look to your instincts. I would say stay focused and constantly question everything about yourself; ask yourself how and why are you feeling the way you are. I would say start writing a diary everyday and explore your feelings and thoughts in it. Always have an attitude of seeking truth with yourself. These are simple but effective tools that helped me well beyond the denial. It is true, in my mind I was one of those who had to hit rock bottom but these methods and a truthful attitude about myself proved invaluable through out my recovery. Always seek the revealing truth and it will show itself to you.

I dont want to minimize denial; in fact it cant be because it is a matter of degree, that is relative to each of us. And that makes it different for everyone with different effects for each of us. Its only common denominator is, it keeps the prevailing truth from you. It is not prejudice, and it doesnt care who it infects. And when denial attacks, it becomes systemic very quickly.

I can now see denial as a "David and Goliath" situation. That damned giant looked huge and unbeatable. But a very brave and very intelligent young soldier, a kid by today's standards, understood the giants are really not very big at all. David understood he could not defeat Goliath in a traditional fight, he knew he had to be smarter. So with courage and a well thought out plan, a kid brought an entire army to defeat with a small, we1l placed, stone. The only real trap we have to be aware of is how clever denial can be. It can be invisible if we dont take care to be aware of its cleverness. In hind-sight, stepping out of denial was the easy part but the only first step that opened the door to recovery and a new life. Nothing is possible with denial and everything is possible without it.