Hi loum, I totally understand where you're coming from. I really dislike criticism also, any kind. I've recently just worked on my past of being molested by my older brother. I've come to terms with it, but realized for myself to truly start to heal, I had to delete him out of my life completely. It's a pretty rough process of working through your abuse, but just try to keep in mind that it's for the best and to help you live a better life FOR YOU. For the most part, I've out the abuse behind me, but I'm still dealing with PTSD from it and that can be rough also. Sorry this was kinda long. You can get through this process of working through the damage. I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. {{Hugs}}

Thank you. I do accept that this damage was done to me and that I'm the only one that can change myself and how I react to triggers from my childhood. It seems overwhelming and goes to my earliest memories. When I'm triggered I know where it comes from and I'm aware that I'm reacting to it from my child part, but I have not been able to change my reactions yet.

I wonder if you can remember the words that set you off as a child?
My response to criticism is to internalize it and if I could pick a phrase and my defeat that there was no fighting it, it would be my Dad's go to "You damn kids never do anything right." and with that example I had 6 older siblings who constantly criticized. And don't talk back!

I've had to learn to fight back against unwarranted criticism. You know how the boards can be.....on another one someone totally put me down and was trying for public humiliation. I got her post removed put her on ignore and I see she's more concerned with people who won't touch her posts than those supporting her.

That's is very good that you can remember what your triggers are from, that's something that I'm still learning for myself. I can fully empathize the overwhelming part also. I'm so sorry that someone was so rude to you on the boards pumpkin, the boards are here for support. But I like your idea with picking what the phrase is that's triggering & figure out where it comes from. Maybe I'll start doing that for myself also.

Jones,
Some people don't like me, I don't like some people. I feel no guilt about ignoring them. Let other people respond if they like.

Yes! I have trouble even defining what is damage from the past and what is my personality.

Do you get defensive with criticism, Loum50? Or do you shut-down?

I'm getting better at not becoming defensive, but if it's from a friend I feel betrayed. Either way I feel I'm the lowest scum on earth.

You feel betrayed and you feel like scum? I could be wrong, but it seems like you feel like it's your fault?

Relationships are tricky, even for those who don't have depression. If I'm triggered by something, I get confused and feel shame and guilt. I'm glad you are here and I'm glad you posted this.

What's making you feel betrayed?

Tha.k you for your reply. Of course I feel shame and guilt because I think I did something wrong. I leave myself open by letting myself trust them and when I believe they are criticizing me, I feel betrayed. It doesn't have to make sense, it's that little abused child.

Can you share what they criticized you about? Maybe you aren't the problem. Criticism is not really helpful unless it's true and carefully given.

With my father it was terrible. When I was very young I was not allowed to cry. I had to do everything perfect the first time I did it. I know it was all my father, but I cannot tolerate even thinking I made a mistake. I was brainwashed from a very young age.

Stick up for that child and his right to make mistakes and have a learning curve. Do that when you have a reaction to yourself making or fearing to make a mistake - go right into defending the child's rights!

YES! I'm with Donnawanda.

Let's tell that child that it's human to make mistakes. Let's celebrate mistakes that you've made! Can we do that with you, Loum50?

I was the youngest of 5 kids, by quite a bit. I got way, way too much criticism. I've been focusing on letting go of professional criticism and it's working. It even feels more normal, if that makes sense.

It's like you were brainwashed to be super-human, which is not such a bad thing when it comes to success! But it's bad for the mind to feel such pressure all the time. How about allowing yourself to feel more part of the human race and letting those mistakes just be part of the experience?

I was able to connect with my child part and go back in time with him to when that abuse started. The abuse was so horrific that it cannot be expressed in words. I was able to truly feel his pain. Now, I am able to feel a lot of compassion for him.

Great news and OUCH! That hurt unimaginably, I'll bet. I really, really hope and want for you to feel some freedom from the pain of the past. I think this might be a step towards that.