Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
(I meant to post it here, put it over in sexual abuse instead...sowwee)
My mom was not sexually abusive.
She left me alone with my dad to go to work every night...and I was screaming in terror as she was walking out the door for 2 weeks straight. She finally told me I could not keep doing that, that it would make her lose her job.
My mom was physically and emotionally abusive.
During the day she wanted me to do chores.
To her standard. And just as fast as she could. Which is a bit much for a 6 year old.
I had to make perfect tucks and hospital corners while making up her bed. To do that right you have to lift the mattress, it was a queen mattress and the whole bed was chest high to me.
She made me do it over and over and over until I did it right.
I had to stand on a stool to do dishes, and I had to get them clean, when I was done, she'd inspect them.
If there was ANY dirt on any dish, she'd put ALL the dishes back in the sink and make me do them over.
If I ran the vacuum, I had to do it twice-once one way, once crosswise. and the lines had to show in the carpet or she'd make me do it again.
When I folded towels I had to do it just her way, or she'd yell at me, slap me, and make me do it over. Eventually she'd start asking things like "What is the MATTER with you?" and calling me a lazy, worthless little brat and so forth...and eventually she'd wind up slapping me and telling me "I can't even stand to look at you, get out of my sight!"
Part of me thought if I did everything just right, she'd love me again.
It took a couple of years to realize she was just looking for an excuse to yell at me and smack me...when that happened I gave her as hard a time as possible about doing the chores.
It really hurt my heart to realize she was going to hit me and scream at me anyway.
But that was the truth, that's really what she wanted. She was angry at having married her loser husband, she took it out on me (and he was generally angry at having to deal with me at all during the daytime)
So I might as well provoke her as fast as I possibly could because then she'd send me to my room, where I could play and generally not provoke an adult into slapping me.
I've mostly forgiven her for all that. But I don't trust her.
My heart, especially at this time of year...it's torn.
I want to go see her...because she's really changed a lot, and been way more generous with me as an adult than she had to be.
But I can't ever truly believe she's not capable of turning on me...I can't forget, I can't trust.
I find this very sad.
My mom was not sexually abusive.
She left me alone with my dad to go to work every night...and I was screaming in terror as she was walking out the door for 2 weeks straight. She finally told me I could not keep doing that, that it would make her lose her job.
My mom was physically and emotionally abusive.
During the day she wanted me to do chores.
To her standard. And just as fast as she could. Which is a bit much for a 6 year old.
I had to make perfect tucks and hospital corners while making up her bed. To do that right you have to lift the mattress, it was a queen mattress and the whole bed was chest high to me.
She made me do it over and over and over until I did it right.
I had to stand on a stool to do dishes, and I had to get them clean, when I was done, she'd inspect them.
If there was ANY dirt on any dish, she'd put ALL the dishes back in the sink and make me do them over.
If I ran the vacuum, I had to do it twice-once one way, once crosswise. and the lines had to show in the carpet or she'd make me do it again.
When I folded towels I had to do it just her way, or she'd yell at me, slap me, and make me do it over. Eventually she'd start asking things like "What is the MATTER with you?" and calling me a lazy, worthless little brat and so forth...and eventually she'd wind up slapping me and telling me "I can't even stand to look at you, get out of my sight!"
Part of me thought if I did everything just right, she'd love me again.
It took a couple of years to realize she was just looking for an excuse to yell at me and smack me...when that happened I gave her as hard a time as possible about doing the chores.
It really hurt my heart to realize she was going to hit me and scream at me anyway.
But that was the truth, that's really what she wanted. She was angry at having married her loser husband, she took it out on me (and he was generally angry at having to deal with me at all during the daytime)
So I might as well provoke her as fast as I possibly could because then she'd send me to my room, where I could play and generally not provoke an adult into slapping me.
I've mostly forgiven her for all that. But I don't trust her.
My heart, especially at this time of year...it's torn.
I want to go see her...because she's really changed a lot, and been way more generous with me as an adult than she had to be.
But I can't ever truly believe she's not capable of turning on me...I can't forget, I can't trust.
I find this very sad.
Ack!
She threw my dad out and transformed into a much happier, healthier person...I just wish she'd done it a lot sooner.
I also see forgiveness as a decision, not an emotion. That makes life a lot easier since I can forgive and still acknowledge other feelings such as resentments and anger.
I'm glad that you had the opportunity to get an apology from your mom, and that at some point both her and your lives improved (even though there might be scars).
It is still healthy to remain within certain boundaries; we're not mandated to trust our family member 100%. I think it's ok to remain cautious.