Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi. I'm new to this site. I'm a 40 year old male. I'm a victim (hope to be a survivor) of covert sexual abuse from my mom. It felt like molestation, but my therapist calls what happened covert sexual abuse. I guess it doesn't really matter what you call it. All I know is that it had a huge negative impact on my life.
I repressed the memory until I was 39 years old. So, I've been dealing with it for about a year now. I'm going to therapy, EMDR, and outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I would have had 5 years sobriety in February, but I got drunk 2 times. I wouldn't be sober if I wasn't in treatment. I suffer from depression, OCD, and I think PTSD.
The last time I was physically sexually abused by my mom was when I was 9. I told her I was too old to be getting a bath from her. She did it anyway. I know it wasn't the first time, because I knew where she was going to dry me off next: right between my but and then my penis. I call what happened molestation, because that's what it felt like. I think I was getting sexual energy from my mom when she dried me off. Then, when I was about 16, she walked in on me when I was changing. I had no clothes on. She just stood there and watched me with a little smile on her face. I hurried up and got dressed. Afterwards, she said, "I've seen worse". After she quit bathing me, I've learned through therapy, that she never really touched me in any way again(like a hug) or was supportive in anything I did. I also realized that whenever she would verbally abuse me, or physically abuse me, there was noone else around. The physical abuse wasn't too severe. A rap on the head with her knuckle. It was enough to make me feel like 1 foot tall though. The verbal abuse hurt worse than the physical.
So, here I am 40 years old. Never been married, no kids. I look back at what could have been if I didn't have such a controlling mother. Some people might say I'm making an excuse, but I don't think I am. I mean who wants to admit they were abused by their mom? A lot of my behaviors make sense to me now. It's kind of nice to know, but I'm still really struggling with the "how it could have been part". I feel like she stole my life from me. Covert incest is another term my therapist has used. I always felt like I couldn't have a relationship. And now I think I know why. My mom was holding me back.
I'm the youngest of 8. I've told 3 of my siblings of the abuse. They believed me right away. 1 of the 3 I think was abused too, but I think he's in denial. I thought they would be more supportive. Like ask me questions, but they haven't. I guess there's nothing they can do.
I had 1 suicide attempt when I was 21. I don't want to die, but some days I don't want to live either. I think I'm making a little progress. I've been unemployed for 17 months. Sometimes I'm scared to go back to work. I'm afraid I'll fail and have to live in a group home or something. I just had my meds changed a couple days ago. I hope it works. Any advice and input on my post would be appreciated.
Peace
I repressed the memory until I was 39 years old. So, I've been dealing with it for about a year now. I'm going to therapy, EMDR, and outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I would have had 5 years sobriety in February, but I got drunk 2 times. I wouldn't be sober if I wasn't in treatment. I suffer from depression, OCD, and I think PTSD.
The last time I was physically sexually abused by my mom was when I was 9. I told her I was too old to be getting a bath from her. She did it anyway. I know it wasn't the first time, because I knew where she was going to dry me off next: right between my but and then my penis. I call what happened molestation, because that's what it felt like. I think I was getting sexual energy from my mom when she dried me off. Then, when I was about 16, she walked in on me when I was changing. I had no clothes on. She just stood there and watched me with a little smile on her face. I hurried up and got dressed. Afterwards, she said, "I've seen worse". After she quit bathing me, I've learned through therapy, that she never really touched me in any way again(like a hug) or was supportive in anything I did. I also realized that whenever she would verbally abuse me, or physically abuse me, there was noone else around. The physical abuse wasn't too severe. A rap on the head with her knuckle. It was enough to make me feel like 1 foot tall though. The verbal abuse hurt worse than the physical.
So, here I am 40 years old. Never been married, no kids. I look back at what could have been if I didn't have such a controlling mother. Some people might say I'm making an excuse, but I don't think I am. I mean who wants to admit they were abused by their mom? A lot of my behaviors make sense to me now. It's kind of nice to know, but I'm still really struggling with the "how it could have been part". I feel like she stole my life from me. Covert incest is another term my therapist has used. I always felt like I couldn't have a relationship. And now I think I know why. My mom was holding me back.
I'm the youngest of 8. I've told 3 of my siblings of the abuse. They believed me right away. 1 of the 3 I think was abused too, but I think he's in denial. I thought they would be more supportive. Like ask me questions, but they haven't. I guess there's nothing they can do.
I had 1 suicide attempt when I was 21. I don't want to die, but some days I don't want to live either. I think I'm making a little progress. I've been unemployed for 17 months. Sometimes I'm scared to go back to work. I'm afraid I'll fail and have to live in a group home or something. I just had my meds changed a couple days ago. I hope it works. Any advice and input on my post would be appreciated.
Peace
It seems to have gone on for some time, too.
Women do sexually abuse kids. It happens. There's more collective denial about it than with male perpetrators, and that's a problem.
I hope the med change helps that anxiety.
Unfortunately, women are very rarely categorized as abusers.
My older brother was abused by a neighbor of ours (Who abused several boys including her own)
A lot of people simply believe a woman physically is unable to do so! but it isn't at all the truth.
Our local support group has a few men who were abused by mothers or female baby sitters. The issues that arise for them are different than for women. There is confusion, misunderstanding, accusation and almost a "Well you must have enjoyed it" attitude~
Nothing could be further from the truth... abuse is abuse.. plain and simple. One website that was suggested in our group is
http://malesurvivor.org/ which specializes in abused men and boys and the unique damages they suffer. I'm sure there are a lot of places like it.
I hope the meds help , and feel free to stay and ask for advice, despite the differences of male and female abuse, we are also all very much alike. We are strong people deserving of love, respect and understanding.
Remaining single and childless is a big red flag, it is I think some kind of mechanism which protects you from recalling stuff and letting it continue in your bloodline.
Women do abuse. I think this information is gaining ground.
I remember in one of the healing retreats I went to, Mike Lew, author of Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse, came to share just such information. And one of his clients had also come along to tell us how being abused by the babysitter when he was younger had impacted his life.
The biggest impact he had on me though was when this grown man broke down and cried like a baby saying he wished she had just left him alone.
This retreat was almost 20 years ago and I've never forgotten that man's pain. It's hard for me not to imagine that that sort of pain goes even deeper when it's "mommy" who abuses.
Although Mike Lew's is the classic, and one of the first books out on men healing from incest and sexual abuse, I know there are many more out there now.
And you are right, it doesn't really matter if that abuse is called covert sexual abuse or molestation IMO, except to note that there are many different forms of abuse.
xx
SuzA
You might also see IMHO ; in my humble opinion.