Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
HI, I am 54, and have had a lot of therapy since a young woman. I've been stable in recent years, and thought I was over the shame.
This week, I started work as an assistant nurse, in a nursing home. They really like me there, I was employed there earlier this year through an agency.
Well, trying to be a people pleaser, I said I was available for all shifts. So they asked me to come in on Thursday at 6.30am. I got really worked up about it on Wednesday, because I can't get enough sleep if I get up that early - in fact, I suffer insomnia due to the anxiety of having to get up early.
So - at 8pm on Wednesday night, I rang in sick for the next morning.
Then - I had a big shame attack. Wanted to cut myself up.
I felt so terrible, I had to be punished. The next day, Thursday, I was a real mess. Still loads of shame, and urges to self harm. And anxious and disturbed.
I rang the boss on Friday, and apologised and asked to come in for a chat.
So, I told him I'm very sorry but I find early morning shifts extremely difficult. No worries, he'll give me evenings and nights. It took 2 minutes to sort it out!
My sense of shame has eased up again, but I realise I carry shame as an undercurrent. I'm looking old - and this taps into my core shame. I'm ugly and unacceptable, in my own mindset. I think about expensive treatments to make me 'look better'.
I only realised on Thursday that this is shame stuff too.
I have this sense of myself as degraded. I have an obsession to act out sexually in a very self destructive manner, because that's 'home' for me.
anyway, I just wanted to put this out there. I'm doing a lot better today, Saturday. I guess with self awareness can come change. And I need a dose of self compassion. And to be prepared to let this flow through me, and out. I have good friends who support me, plus a good therapist.
Just wondered if others can relate to the way shame manifests in their lives.
This week, I started work as an assistant nurse, in a nursing home. They really like me there, I was employed there earlier this year through an agency.
Well, trying to be a people pleaser, I said I was available for all shifts. So they asked me to come in on Thursday at 6.30am. I got really worked up about it on Wednesday, because I can't get enough sleep if I get up that early - in fact, I suffer insomnia due to the anxiety of having to get up early.
So - at 8pm on Wednesday night, I rang in sick for the next morning.
Then - I had a big shame attack. Wanted to cut myself up.
I felt so terrible, I had to be punished. The next day, Thursday, I was a real mess. Still loads of shame, and urges to self harm. And anxious and disturbed.
I rang the boss on Friday, and apologised and asked to come in for a chat.
So, I told him I'm very sorry but I find early morning shifts extremely difficult. No worries, he'll give me evenings and nights. It took 2 minutes to sort it out!
My sense of shame has eased up again, but I realise I carry shame as an undercurrent. I'm looking old - and this taps into my core shame. I'm ugly and unacceptable, in my own mindset. I think about expensive treatments to make me 'look better'.
I only realised on Thursday that this is shame stuff too.
I have this sense of myself as degraded. I have an obsession to act out sexually in a very self destructive manner, because that's 'home' for me.
anyway, I just wanted to put this out there. I'm doing a lot better today, Saturday. I guess with self awareness can come change. And I need a dose of self compassion. And to be prepared to let this flow through me, and out. I have good friends who support me, plus a good therapist.
Just wondered if others can relate to the way shame manifests in their lives.
And then you panic, feeling like you can't (or that you literally can't) live up to these expectations you have built into yourself, and have to abruptly smash them and feel awful and guilty afterwards for trying to take care of yourself. So instead of doing that, you punish yourself.
The only thing that has helped me is talking these things through with my therapist, and trying to create my own boundaries. I always rush into action when I have anxious feelings to do something NOW, like pleasing a new employer, and that's when I make mistakes - like not taking the time to consider something before committing to it.
It just takes practice. You said you've spent a lot of time in therapy, which is great. And you're now able to reflect on what has happened, which is also great. So good on you.
You were born whole and good. It was the way you were treated that made you think you were lacking in some way.
Keep picking at this lie you were led to believe, scrape at it each and every time you become aware of it.
Keep telling yourself you are complete, you are whole, you are good, because it's true.