Supposed to say Can't STOP thinking of suicide

I hope you don't kill yourself. I know that pain. I've been there.

loum50 how did you get yourself out of the black hole? If you don't mind sharing?

Just in case:

http://suicidehotlines.com/

There are people to talk to. You're not alone, and it may not seem possible, but some people do stop thinking about suicide and move on. Please keep posting here.

There was a time when suicide took up probably 80 percent of my thinking - suicide, how to do it, when to do it, who would miss me, etc. I did have family that I loved very much and could not stand the thought of bringing such pain to them. And then I had a friend kill himself and I thought "how selfish - I needed him and he stopped being there for me". I was young and, needless to say, very self-centered at the time. But it made me realize that others may view me the same. So I finally said - I will NOT let my abuser win this. He took my childhood I WILL BE DAMNED if I give him my future. It became personal then. I went to everyone that would talk to me and sought help. I read everything I could about depression, abuse, etc. Then I started talking to others about their abuse and I started feeling more needed. I started to understand that if we all just clock out when it gets tough, there will be no one left to help those who are going through rough spots themselves. And so I started helping. I know that sounds really simplistic, but I started befriending people no one else would, I started helping my relatives that were lonely or mourning. And I found I started loving myself enough that suicide was no longer even optional.
Now when I get down on myself, I put that aside and start looking for someone to help. It improves my self image, and it helps someone else in the meantime. And yes, I do take anti-depressant, because even though I am not suicidal, I am still left with a lot of anxiety and issues that my daily pill takes care of.
Again, I know this sounds simplistic and I may be the only one who sees this as a strength and reason to live, but that is what worked for me. Was it easy - HELL NO. There were SOOOO many days I would rather have crawled back in bed and pulled the covers up and not interacted with others, but in the end, with perseverance, clawing and dragging myself along at times, it helped. And I still have "dark days" but suicide is not the answer for me. I cannot talk for anyone else, but having worked as a suicide prevention counselor for many years, I can say that few that live through their 'shadow valley" regret their decision once they got something in their life to look forward to, even if it is just handing out groceries at a food pantry.
All my best - please stay with us and with those "distant relatives' that you spoke of - they may need you more than they let on.
Refuse2quit

Proudaunt,

It is hard when the thoughts of suicide plague our mind, but one thing that I have learned in life is that thoughts come to us for one reason or another. Whether it's bad thoughts, good thoughts or what ever thoughts. When I was young I use to always have thoughts of turning 18 so I can leave home! Or I use to think of traveling and flying. I use to think of suicide as well. But then I knew deep down that wasn't a good plan. I knew that Death was not the answer. So I use to come up with alternatives -- Day dreaming, and making plans. Soon I was able to leave home not the way I should have but I left home :)
I grow up roughing it on the streets for a few years, but somewhere along my journey I gained strength, hope and soon I was with a career and home. I had made it, but still something was wrong, I was still sad, depressed and suicide was always lurking around my thoughts.
I went back to childhood tactics, day dream and plan. So that's my way out of the plaguing thoughts of suicide and art therapy is good. Be creative and let your childhood dreams come to life. Dare to dream again :) if you've never dreamed then start!
lots of hugs, D