My brothers molested me at various times of my childhood. My oldest brother, when I was about 8 or 9, said he wanted to play a game that his high school friends played. He said we had to take off our pants. I ran away and hid in my room the rest of the night. Not too long after that, my twin brothers would come into my room and educate me on my lady parts. They would touch me and put things in me. When I was 11, we moved into a new house. One of the twins frequently would come into my room at night. He’d bring handcuffs, and condoms, and thongs for me to wear. He’d put in porn on my dvd player and make me watch. I would scream for him to stop, but nobody ever came. They must have heard me, but they never came. This occurred regularly. He would cum into the thongs he made me wear and hide them under my dresser or in my closet. 

Because of this exposure to sexual acts, I started masturbating under the age of 10 and did it regularly. My whole family knew about it and they would catch me. When I moved into the new house at 11, I would steal my parent’s vibrators and hide them in my room, but someone would always come in when I wasn’t home and take it back. I never knew how they would find it. I felt like I was always being watched or something. 

These experiences have fucked me up big time and the flashbacks are getting really bad lately. I recently started going back to therapy but I don’t know how I could ever possibly tell her about it. I’ve barely scraped the surface of my fucked up childhood and she called some of my other experiences “traumatic” and I don’t know how she’d respond to actual trauma. This stuff is absolutely eating me up inside. How am I ever going to heal?