Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html
From the article:
"Loved ones and friendssometimes even therapistswho urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns."
My mom has apologized, gotten therapy, and made amends, and she was only moderately abusive.
I love her, but I don't trust her.
Even if I were to be ABLE to forgive my father for the hell he unleashed on me, he's a craven and cowardly little man, disgusting and whining for pity. He's not worth having a relationship with.
I think most of us find we're better off without them.
From the article:
"Loved ones and friendssometimes even therapistswho urge reconnecting with a parent often speak as if forgiveness will be a psychic aloe vera, a balm that will heal the wounds of the past. They warn of the guilt that will dog the victim if the perpetrator dies estranged. What these people fail to take into account is the potential psychological cost of reconnecting, of dredging up painful memories and reviving destructive patterns."
My mom has apologized, gotten therapy, and made amends, and she was only moderately abusive.
I love her, but I don't trust her.
Even if I were to be ABLE to forgive my father for the hell he unleashed on me, he's a craven and cowardly little man, disgusting and whining for pity. He's not worth having a relationship with.
I think most of us find we're better off without them.
And therapists thay advocate for it...do NOT deserve their pay.
I understand that many people, particularly those of the "cloth", often think reconnection with, and forgiveness of, the perpetrator will make everything all right. We know that in the majority of cases it won't. But, as I said, I do understand--ignorance.
However, where therapists are concerned I do not feel as understanding. It is NOT the job of a therapist to tell a client what to do, period. And when it comes to forgiveness or reconnection with a perpetrator that is, and must remain, the sole decision of the survivor. Period.
Any therapist who tells me I might feel guilty for refusing to reconnect must surly have gotten their degree in basket weaving...and I'd run.
I believe a therapist has the potential to be a great guide--but never a leader.
I have not reconnected with any of my perpetrators and have no plans to. I've forgiven my dad but no one else, and I'm not working on forgiving the others. It is what it is.
xx
SuzA