It's really hard to say what might be going on for you without knowing you. I hope that in sharing some of my experience, you find some comfort.

I had a total nervous breakdown at 36 years old. I took comfort in finding out that I was not abnormal. There is research that shows it is common to have a breakthrough in the 30s when having survived abuse/terror.

It's very challening to process those feelings, so perhaps you are dissasociating? The brain is amazing at helping us to survive. What kind of support system do you have in place? I had none and quickly tried to put one together. This place was invaluable. I met someone who was in the same place as me and we supported each other - and both are in better places now.

JournalReader, The only support I have is from this one friend. She is the one who thought I might be disassociating. I will not be getting until therapy until sometime in Dec or Jan after we move. Hubby tries to be supportive, but does not understand.

Hi KonaNyota. It sounds like you're dissociating. It's a coping skill we develop to handle the extreme feelings around the abuse. No, you're not going crazy. It can be upseting, though. For me, talking to a safe person, the child can come "out" and express alot of feelings, but with people that don't understand, the hurt child stays inside.

I hope that helps. You're not alone. There's a website called sidran.org that can educate you about dissociation.

Hi! I agree with Annie. You did dissociate. I do it a lot. It is difficult to say what triggers it. It can be a situation, something someone said or a scene on TV. I often get them after I have had a flashback. It is a strange feeling I know but you might have to get use to them. Even when I have figured out what triggered they still happen.

There is a theory that it is what happened at the time of the abuse. Your mind shuts off from what is happening, it is a survival instinct, the fight or flight thing. When you were a child you probably could not do the 'fight thing' so your mind did the 'flight' for you. It will not harm you. It is almost like being in a dream.

Just an update. My friend suggested I write a letter to my husband and tell him how I felt. He actually read a rough draft of it. Then while I had my friend of the phone, I read him the final version. I talked a little bit about losing time. Then my friend asked me if I actually wanted her to tell him what had happened twice on the phone with her. I said if she felt like it. So she talked to him and explained what happened. And he surprised me. He actually took it very well. I was really worried about what his reaction was going to be. He said that he had heard about it before. My friend gave him some things to ask and do if I do not respond to him right away. He said he would try them. And he is also willing to work together on reading a book especially for those who are in love with someone who has survived sexual abuse. The reason I said work together on reading a book is because he struggles with reading. So I truly have found a gem of a man in my husband.

I have a big smile on my face - I am so happy your husband is coming through for you!

Oh good...my ex could not compute the kids that came out.

FWIW they don't like her either. :p I just heard a voice in my head say: "She's a jerk."

I had a total breakdown when I reached the age of thirty. It took me many years to recover...I had no help at all.

It sounds like what you went through is similar to what I've experienced at times...it's probably dissociation based on what I've learned here on DS. I sometimes change into a person who defends with threats of violence, so that's disturbing to me. I don't normally resort to violence in ordinary circumstances.

When it happens I feel like someone else is controlling my voice and my movements. I even pulled out a pocketknife and waved it around once when something triggered me. I couldn't control it, it just happened. After it stopped, I was very embarrassed and the people I was with at the time were baffled I'm sure.

When you suffer extreme trauma, damage is bound to occur. I don't worry about it, nothing bad ever came of dissociating. It certainly did upset some people in my life at the time, I'm sure. That's their problem to work out, I've got enough of my own.

Having things wrong after trauma is not mental illness, I've been told. It's normal to get wounds when we're attacked...and they may not heal like physical wounds do.

I know I'm "damaged goods", but I really don't care...take it or leave it is my motto now. If I upset people or make them uncomfortable, it doesn't matter to me anymore.

Don't live your life to please others, do what's right for you and be a good person. The rest will work itself out.

That's wonderful. What courage you had taking a risk and including your husband. And a great result.