LouM, you survived horror and severe illness.

Someone with less guts and strength than yourself would be dead or insane.
Your dad was wrong about you.

Lou with the mental and physical hardships you have faced in your life being a wimp couldn't be farther from the truth in your case.As for the other questions you have posed here.With what you have said concerning your therapy and therapist I am sure you are aware that there is part of yourself that has the courage and answers you seek.Only that part of yourself can give you those answers.Every question you pose has a logical answer that leads to this not being your fault in any way.For example your supposed sexuality.Many victims of childhood abuse develope psychosexual disorders due to their abuse.This is not their true sexuality but the result of programming left over from abuse and the proof of this is if it was your true sexuality you would not feel shame over it.A human beings true healthy sexuality does not involve shame.Shame is the result of abuse. As for waking at 2 am I have had many times like this and almost everytime it has lead to a memory of someone abusing me at those times.So it is logical that I would wake at those times panic ridden.It is also logical for you to fear authority figures because your biggest authority figure in your formative years was a tyrant.It is completely understandable that you would have fears of authority figures having suffered so much abuse from your father.Learned helplessness and hopelessness are major hurdles for abuse survivors to overcome but when we do overcome these hurdles sometimes the answer is a simple as realizing the we do and have always had the power to heal ourselves.Believe in yourself Lou.You do have the courage and power to heal yourself.

So do mine.My whole life has been a product of the trauma from my childhood and i did not know it until the last 4 years......

You seem to me to already have the courage..
"wimp" is what your father wanted you to think you were NOT you.

Is those mrssages that reply like a broken ipod in our psyche from THEM...its THEIR messages not our real SELFS.

I meant replay on our psyche due to the abuse.THEIR messages not the truth.

I have found out in the last few years all issues have stemed from sexual, mental and physical from my mother and father. My mother shamed me about any of my girl parts, telling me how nasty and smelly they are. She even did things to those areas that really hurt. She called me horrible names all the time (slut, whore...) Then there was my dad, "loved"me. Tell me different feelings were good and well I cant go into detail. Anyway, what Im trying to say is it has caused alot of issues now as an adult. Thank God for spell check because I found out my brain is still stuck as a child when it comes to spelling. I can't stand being in a room alone with a man besides my husband. I had to ride to the airport with my husbands father alone one time and i thought i was going to hyperventilate. Oh man, and people hugging me.... My husbands family is very huggie. I would almost be in tears having to go thru hello's and goodbyes at family functions. Then there is the overwhelming shame and disgust for myself I swallowed down everytime I had sex with my husband. That is just a few. I still have problems overcoming them, I struggle with it every day. And you know what, that makes me a strong person and you too. You "are" overcoming them just by being here and talking to all of us. I try to find even the smallest thing about myself I like and build on that. Now it is my children, they are beautiful and I helped make them. That chips away at the shame. I have a pretty singing voice and I make pretty things with clay and beads. You are a strong and beautiful person inside and out and I hope your work goes well. I still have so many blank years so I understand the frustration. Today I read your post on a good day for me, tomorrow it may be a different story. lol Maby tomorrow or the next day I or someone else will need the support and you will be there for us. Sorry this reply was so long. I will pray for you and hope this helped in some way. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more. Take care.

I thank everyone for their replies. I can feel the caring. I know my issues are very common for an incest survivor and no matter how hard I try I can't deny it. As a very young child I had to depend on my parents and they couldn't be wrong or bad so it must have been me. I know that is wrong, but it is very hard to change. By receiving and neglect I never learned nurturing, so it is also hard to nurture myself and to have compassion for myself. As a child I just wanted to disappear and not be noticed and worked very hard to be invisible. Very normal for an incest survivor. I can't spell either, good thing there are spell checkers now.

Loum:

I can spell..... unless I'm typing. lol
All of our symptoms stem from the same source. Keep going to counseling and be honest with your therapist. Each thing has to be overcome 1 at a time.

I am dissociative because of the abuse, which is the thing I have been working on the most. I am becoming more present and can keep a train of thought longer. I am also becoming more aware when I switch parts. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar 2, which complicates things. My pdoc made some medication changes recently, which seem to be helping. When I get a little manic or very depressed it is hard to work on anything else. Other than those things and my many physical illness I'm a ball of health. LOL.