yes I have self-medicated for years off and on, especially in my 20s. What keeps me honest is that I don't withdraw from my support group. Plus I am much healthier now because I am no longer in an abusive relationship. So, I would say it is normal to be apprehensive but you have been doing outpatient for a long time and you know all the tools that will keep you strong. Write down your plan and review it every day. You can do it.

about the death, sounds like you are not really letting yourself feel anything about it. Is that distancing what you need right now?

one day at a time - or as one of my favorite AA folks says, "one minute at a time." He says there are days he needs to look at it like that.

take care

Yes, I used to self medicate with alcohol - until getting drunk became worse than anything I could go through sober. Also, I was high risk of attempting suicide when in drunken despair. Good luck on your journey. Not feeling confident that you can stay sober is apparently a healthy position.
Don't worry about not caring for your aunt. It's early days for you.

First - as I say, welcome to the site, sorry you have to be here, but glad you found it!
Yep - alcohol, pot, drugs - you name it I've tried it for the most part. And sobriety is not only a one-day-at -a time issue, sometimes it is one-hour-at-a-time, one- minute-at-a-time, one-second-at-a-time process. But with each day, with each hour, minute or second you just remember that you really can't escape, just delay, the pain. And then it can become one-month-at-a- time and one-year-at-a-time, etc.
As far as the pall bearer - if it feels right to you, then it is right for you. You know your relationship with the deceased and your family, so this is your choice. If you are close to your Dad, he may see it as an honor to have you as a "part of the service" sort of thing, but again you always have the choice to decline. I have been a bearer several times, but refused to be one at my first abuser's funeral. No explanations, just said I would rather not and they found someone else. Whereas I know many would LOVE to take their abuser to the grave, it just wasn't for me - I doubt a smiling pall bearer would have been appreciated anyway!!
Refuse2quit

Oh yeah - and it would be hard to carry the coffin while doing a little jig (tongue in cheek here!).
Sorry, not trying to be too disrespectful, but that was a choice which, for me, was just too easy to make - No, I'd rather not!
But again, you need to do what make you most comfortable. And stick in there, you can make it!!
All my best
Refuse2quit

From the age of 11 to 23, I could probably count on one hand the days that I wasn't drunk or stoned. But there was a 7-9 month lull do to a nervous breakdown. Yes there are days that I think of getting totally sh__ faced, but I always replace those thoughts with the reasons of why I quite in the first place. One thought at a time, is what I live by. We can't control those first thoughts, but we can sure control the ones after them.
As for the funeral, you need to look after you, what's best for you and no one else. Hang in there and keep moving forward to the freedom that waiting ahead. Congratulations on the 5 months! My best to you, Blaine

we all do self medicate , we must choose itf it is a good or bad medicator or good or bad choice is it longterm does it have negatives associated with it or is it a keeper ,,,, peace bmw the most empowering thing I ever did was confront abusers and put their ass in jail quit smoking next day , shame and low self esteem and depression was my constant companion before I got the power to do it, and it changed my life cost me dearly but worth it