Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
I am trying to stop all my addictions. I was abused from a very young age and I need to be honest about what I did to survive. I need and want to stop all my addictions. My first addiction was food. Most people scoff at food being an addiction. For me certain foods are mind altering and addictive drugs. My second addiction was SI, I don't remember when I started hurting myself. My third addiction ws alcohol. I started drinking from an early age. My father never hid his alcohol and I never got in trouble for drinking, I did with food. My next addiction was smoking. I started smoking in junior high school. My parents encouraged me to drink and smoke. When I was in high school my mother bought me booze, not beer, alcohol. I did a lot of drinking. Then came drugs, cocaine and prescription pain killers. I never abused drugs without also using alcohol. I stopped abusing drugs a long time ago. Cocaine made me feel really good. I had cravings for it for about 7 years. I stopped drinking and smoking almost 10 years ago. I can't say I've stopped eating, but I stopped using it as a drug 6 months ago. I struggle every day with eating and not giving in to the addiction. The last and hardest is SI. I am trying again to stop hurting myself. When I'm feeling all that self hate, I want to destroy myself. Not using any of these addictions makes the emotions raw and the anxiety feel unbearable. This takes strength for which I need to give myself credit. It takes me a lot of courage to talk about this because I feel tremendous shame about this and I worry about what my friends here will think of me.
Smoking - I started stealing cigarettes when I was about 8 and carried on having the odd one whenever I could. Once Mum caught the smell on my breath and told me not to use exams as an excuse to smoke. I carried on but was always conscious of this and I so wanted her approval. Eventually I kicked it in my 20's after a bought of flu and bronchitis that brought home to me the damage it was doing to me (and, if I'm honest, it tasted really really foul).
Drink - my father was a (un-admitted) functioning alcoholic, and I was brought up to despise people who could not hold their drink, they were weak and I didn't want to think of myself as weak. Drink was OK, becoming drunk wasn't and I wanted my parents approval. Having said that I have gone though many stages in my life after leaving home, when I have used alcohol as a crutch or to numb the pain or the emotions.
Drugs - I only tried cannabis but hated it because I lost control too easily. I daren't lose control.
SI - that urge has only come to me recently since I've been in therapy and opening up what happened on the past, thankfully at a time when I have the support I need. I might have gone the anorexia way and can remember thinking about it - I got such a thrill from being in control of my eating and weight. But I knew mum would think badly of me for it, I would be seen as weak and therefore despised, so I didn't.
Food - I have always used food as a drug, but our family also had high standards regarding weight. Being fat was also seen as a sign of weakness and to be despised, and anyway I always saw myself as fat even when I wasn't. For years I carefully trod the wire between anorexia and over eating, the threat of my family's disapproval acting like a balance pole.
From what I can tell, where my parents cut off every avenue for my self medication, yours actively encouraged you to use anything and everything. Despite being raised in a stiflingly judgemental atmosphere, I think I was lucky in this respect, I don't know if I could have done what you are doing. You're right - it takes enormous strength.
There is no shame in what you have done - in fact I think there is much for you to be proud of.
Big hugs.