Incest Survivors Support Group

Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...

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Acting Out

dsf95
dsf95
Part of me feels badly about how I acted out after my uncle attacked and during my second breakdown in 2006, but I also feel that I was harshly punished in both cases. It's confusing.

I think I started bothering a jerk, popular guy because I wanted to leave the school... I knew I was having a breakdown and probably couldn't finish the year. I really hated the school. I felt I had been labeled early and had never been able to shake that. I was so angry at how crappy my life was and my grandmothers dying and my uncle just tipped the balance. It's hard to feel guilty towards that guy because I was forced to leave the school after my mom came home from a teacher's meeting where she was told that I probably had a hormone problem. I left the school didn't I? it's not like anybody looked into what was wrong with me. I guess I feel like my family feels like it wasn't as big a deal. sometimes it's like I can't be mad at my uncle because he's retarded, but then who can I be mad at? I wasn't raped, but I thought that's what he was going to do. I know I need to get over it now, but I'm scared I will have a third breakdown someday. It really has affected my whole life.

sometimes I just obsessively analyze my breakdowns. maybe that's a way of rewriting the past? cause my past is bad. I don't feel ashamed anymore, but sometimes I feel pissed. it just feels like worst case scenarios punctuated my childhood..........

has anyone else acted out and dealt with consequences?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Acting out is a normal reaction to trauma. Unfortunately, people seeing the acting out and reacting to that instead of asking questions is also pretty normal. So is feeling mad at your Uncle and everyone else who is ignoring your pain and confusion.

Please - do whatever you have to do to find a therapist who you can work with. Don't wait to have a third breakdown. There are no credits in this world for suffering.
Dragonfly2810
Dragonfly2810
I am so sorry you have not received the support you need from school or family. I agree with all Breaking has said. My experience of acting out caused me some losses, and the people I lost do not know the truth about who I really am. sometimes i have struggled with whether to justify myself to these people I have lost by telling them the truth about my past and how it impacted me and related to my acting out. But instead I focus on doing the best I can with the day in front of me.

Any boundary violation, whether rape or not, is going to injure our sense of security and safety. I think analyzing or obsessing on what happens and how we react to those things can help us get in touch with feelings we have pushed down, and I spend a lot of time on that too.

The other day I surprised myself by getting totally angry about something that I thought I had dealt with. I realized that I had decided I should not be upset about this thing so I never really felt the feelings - but while obsessing etc the feelings I had ignored and not even realized ever had existed regarding this one incident that "was not such a big deal" just swept over me.

So I think a therapist who is good would help you process your feelings so you don't ignore them - i do think we act out more and have worse consequences when we ignore our feelings.

take care of yourself -
ReadingTreasure
ReadingTreasure
Hi dsf, I haven't had this exact issue, because my acting out has been mostly against myself, like overeating and other escapist behaviors. But, my thought about breakdowns is they are about finding your voice and wanting to be heard. Like you said, "who can I be mad at?" There's no one to listen, no one to judge in your favor, no one to provide a safe place for you. Yet everyone's telling you and expecting you to function and even make a contribution. It's just maddening. Also like you said, "the worst case scenarios punctuated my childhood". I feel like I was sucker punched when I was vulnerable. Is that any way to start a life? Why am I not being compensated in some way for this sucky situation? And the universe doesn't feel sorry for me, just asks me to accept it. What kind of a set up is this anyway? Then people say, "life is beautiful". I want to say, "stuff your life up your butt, life is not beautiful to me". No one gets it except you guys.
dsf95
dsf95
Haven't had much luck with therapists or psychiatric drugs, which seem to make everything worse. I think I I am oversensitive, but therapists say things that upset me. Like, "you're not a real stay at home mom because you don't drive" was one that bothered me from one therapist, but that did inspire me to start biking, so that was good. I got counseling last year and the counselor really upset me because she said I reminded her of her daughter, "who's also heavy," and that my real problem was that I'm upset about my weight. I am a size 14/16, and she made me feel awful... I'm working on my weight.... sometimes I feel like talking to a bartender would be just as helpful....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Not good comments from therapists. I'm sorry you haven't found one you can trust because a good one is like gold dust.

You are not 'over sensitive' - how you feel is how you feel. It is quite possible that these comments were not intended as criticisms, but instead were clumsy attempts to get you to look at something in a different way (eg. her daughter is also heavy, but she loves her anyway so it doesn't matter). However Incest survivors are extremely sensitive (note: not 'over' sensitive) because our survival has depended on it and can ferret out a criticism from the most expansive compliment (I can anyway). The therapist should know this and take it into account in any comments they make. If they don't then trust just isn't going to grow.

A book that I've found really helpful is 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron (?). It helped me to see that being sensitive wasn't wrong, but also showed me ways to help cope in a largely insensitive world.