Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Didn't realize SA and Incest groups were not connected to each other. Have copied the original post and put it here.
Years ago in talking with a friend who was not a survivor I learned that everyone carries shame, not just survivors. That was news to me.
Today, while reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, I heard again that "...shame is the UNIVERSAL fear of being unworthy of love and belonging...."
She devoted 17 pages to explaining shame. Everything in quotes is from her work.
She summarizes a few paragraphs by saying, "If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way--especially shame, fear and vulnerability."
We all know that shame, fear and being vulnerable get in the way of our healing. What are you telling yourself that keep you from feeling worthy?
From the list of seven that Brown wrote down my own biggest putdown was, "Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?" (this just brought tears to my eyes) for all the loss it represents.
She goes on to define shame as "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
I knew I felt flawed for years but didn't know why because I didn't remember the abuse. Lacking the memories I believed there was just something terribly wrong with me that could not be fixed. I thought it was some sort of internal defect I was born with.
But, I was wrong. It was the shame of abuse that my body remembered though my mind had buried it. Brown says there are three things that shame needs in order to live: "Secrecy, Silence, Judgment."
My shame thrived for I kept it a secret--even from myself--for 40 years. Silence was palpable. Judgement obvious in my poor choices.
She says and I quote again, "Shame happens between people, and it heals between people. If we can find someone who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken."
But before you start telling your story you need to cultivate what she calls, "shame resilience". She lists the four elements of this resilience which are based on years of research. She found that people with high levels of shame resilience share these elements.
People with high levels of shame resilience:
1) "...understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them."
And message that suggests I'm not enough triggers shame for me. Perceived slights also trigger shame.
2) "They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate."
I have found that Katie Byron's questions go a long way in helping me do this kind of reality checking. You can Google the questions, but my favorite of the questions is, 'Who would I be without this?'
3) "They reach out and share their stories with people they TRUST."
I was fortunate in this regard finding myself in the middle of survivors almost immediately once the memories returned. I recall telling only one person, who was not a survivor, about my childhood.
She was incensed and her behavior taught me that I had a right to be angry. Before that anger was not even a possibility.
4) "They speak shame--they use the word shame, they talk about how they're feeling, and they ask for what they need."
Oh, brother! This was my greatest challenge. I didn't know how I felt because in burying the memories I had also buried my feelings about things. I would only experience them vaguely and would then immediately bury them. It was too risky to feel because it might bring up the memories.
As for talking about what I needed, I was so needy it consumed and defined me. Though I do recall being filled with shame when my therapist said something about me being needy. I hated that word for years.
So the short-hand for shame resilience is:
"Name it."
"Talk about it"
"Own your story."
"Tell the story."
Brown says that, "Resilience is often a slow unfolding of understanding." And this means figuring out the real story.
When my therapist said I was needy what I heard that I was not enough. That I was this pathetic thing who had not been enough as a child to warrant loving care. And I felt shame for this flaw.
She says that "We also have to learn how we protect ourselves from shame if we want to develop worthiness." She goes on to quote Dr. Linda Hartling who explains that we either move away, move toward, or move against things to protect ourselves.
I almost always moved away from shame to protect myself by withdrawing, hiding, silencing myself and keeping secrets.
Those who move toward "seek to appease and please."
And those who move against do it by "trying to gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame."
"We have to respond to shame in a way that" doesn't make it worse, Brown says. And in order to do that we have to recognize when we're feeling shame.
According to her, "The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame symptoms." Her awareness includes "that warm wash of inadequacy..., heart races, face feels hot, mouth gets dry, armpits tingle and time slows down."
For me it feels as if someone fills my body with boiling water. That boiling water starts at the top of my head and quickly moves toward my feet.
My body feels the pain of the boiling water and makes it hard for me to breathe. My brain stops working and I can't escape fast enough. Then I must hide long enough for me to lick those wounds and dig a deep hole to bury myself in.
Knowing your "personal symptoms" of shame lets you get "deliberate" in your response to shame.
Brene Brown offers four questions that she says "Figuring out the answers can change your life:"
1) Who do you become when you're backe3d into that shame corner?
2) How do you protect yourself?
3) Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?"
4) What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
Finally, she says "Our Stories Are Not Meant for Everyone.
Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: 'Who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear my story?' "
If I could underline and highlight that complete sentence I would because it is critical to our safety, well-being and healing.
I hope I have done justice to Brene Brown's 17 pages on shame.
xx
SuzA
P.S.
Brown gives a concise definition of guilt vs shame.
"Guilt = I did something bad."
"Shame = I am bad."
Posted on 05/05/13, 01:09 pm
Years ago in talking with a friend who was not a survivor I learned that everyone carries shame, not just survivors. That was news to me.
Today, while reading Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, I heard again that "...shame is the UNIVERSAL fear of being unworthy of love and belonging...."
She devoted 17 pages to explaining shame. Everything in quotes is from her work.
She summarizes a few paragraphs by saying, "If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way--especially shame, fear and vulnerability."
We all know that shame, fear and being vulnerable get in the way of our healing. What are you telling yourself that keep you from feeling worthy?
From the list of seven that Brown wrote down my own biggest putdown was, "Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?" (this just brought tears to my eyes) for all the loss it represents.
She goes on to define shame as "...the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."
I knew I felt flawed for years but didn't know why because I didn't remember the abuse. Lacking the memories I believed there was just something terribly wrong with me that could not be fixed. I thought it was some sort of internal defect I was born with.
But, I was wrong. It was the shame of abuse that my body remembered though my mind had buried it. Brown says there are three things that shame needs in order to live: "Secrecy, Silence, Judgment."
My shame thrived for I kept it a secret--even from myself--for 40 years. Silence was palpable. Judgement obvious in my poor choices.
She says and I quote again, "Shame happens between people, and it heals between people. If we can find someone who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken."
But before you start telling your story you need to cultivate what she calls, "shame resilience". She lists the four elements of this resilience which are based on years of research. She found that people with high levels of shame resilience share these elements.
People with high levels of shame resilience:
1) "...understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them."
And message that suggests I'm not enough triggers shame for me. Perceived slights also trigger shame.
2) "They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate."
I have found that Katie Byron's questions go a long way in helping me do this kind of reality checking. You can Google the questions, but my favorite of the questions is, 'Who would I be without this?'
3) "They reach out and share their stories with people they TRUST."
I was fortunate in this regard finding myself in the middle of survivors almost immediately once the memories returned. I recall telling only one person, who was not a survivor, about my childhood.
She was incensed and her behavior taught me that I had a right to be angry. Before that anger was not even a possibility.
4) "They speak shame--they use the word shame, they talk about how they're feeling, and they ask for what they need."
Oh, brother! This was my greatest challenge. I didn't know how I felt because in burying the memories I had also buried my feelings about things. I would only experience them vaguely and would then immediately bury them. It was too risky to feel because it might bring up the memories.
As for talking about what I needed, I was so needy it consumed and defined me. Though I do recall being filled with shame when my therapist said something about me being needy. I hated that word for years.
So the short-hand for shame resilience is:
"Name it."
"Talk about it"
"Own your story."
"Tell the story."
Brown says that, "Resilience is often a slow unfolding of understanding." And this means figuring out the real story.
When my therapist said I was needy what I heard that I was not enough. That I was this pathetic thing who had not been enough as a child to warrant loving care. And I felt shame for this flaw.
She says that "We also have to learn how we protect ourselves from shame if we want to develop worthiness." She goes on to quote Dr. Linda Hartling who explains that we either move away, move toward, or move against things to protect ourselves.
I almost always moved away from shame to protect myself by withdrawing, hiding, silencing myself and keeping secrets.
Those who move toward "seek to appease and please."
And those who move against do it by "trying to gain power over others by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame."
"We have to respond to shame in a way that" doesn't make it worse, Brown says. And in order to do that we have to recognize when we're feeling shame.
According to her, "The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame symptoms." Her awareness includes "that warm wash of inadequacy..., heart races, face feels hot, mouth gets dry, armpits tingle and time slows down."
For me it feels as if someone fills my body with boiling water. That boiling water starts at the top of my head and quickly moves toward my feet.
My body feels the pain of the boiling water and makes it hard for me to breathe. My brain stops working and I can't escape fast enough. Then I must hide long enough for me to lick those wounds and dig a deep hole to bury myself in.
Knowing your "personal symptoms" of shame lets you get "deliberate" in your response to shame.
Brene Brown offers four questions that she says "Figuring out the answers can change your life:"
1) Who do you become when you're backe3d into that shame corner?
2) How do you protect yourself?
3) Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing?"
4) What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
Finally, she says "Our Stories Are Not Meant for Everyone.
Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: 'Who has EARNED THE RIGHT to hear my story?' "
If I could underline and highlight that complete sentence I would because it is critical to our safety, well-being and healing.
I hope I have done justice to Brene Brown's 17 pages on shame.
xx
SuzA
P.S.
Brown gives a concise definition of guilt vs shame.
"Guilt = I did something bad."
"Shame = I am bad."
Posted on 05/05/13, 01:09 pm
xx
SuzA
I wish that this was not brushed off as "too long to read" - It is SO important to just about anyone. This is a great post - and it is worth reading and rereading. I also want to purchase the book now - I'll most likely "kindle" it as it sounds like a keeper!.
Thank you so much for posting this! I hope others take time to read it and apply the lessons. We can all use good material for support at times when we are looking for growth and healing and this post is well worth the time!.
Thanks again - words to live with and by!
Refuse2quit
In our interaction with people often peoplea asks question that if you answer truthfully will tell a little or part of your story...If its not a "happy" story people percieve you as negative for having bring the conversation to a gloom....
They do not see the positiveness in your honesty, your courage, and just being a survivor...wha do we do with that??
They can shame for your own story as in victim blaming.Sorry i thought it was the link only....and i am asking honestly how do you think we should handle this kind of response??
Non-survivor privilege and silence
by Jennifer Kesler on May 12, 2008
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While it shouldnt be a privilege to escape abuse in this life, there are trappings of privilege for those who have been so lucky. I know its an odd thing to say, and its a realization Ive been slowly moving toward since childhood, but it works like this:
Once you survive abuse or violation, you have a knowledge of the human capacity for nastiness that others around you dont share.
It is your duty to keep them blissfully ignorant at the expense of your own soul.
When they chatter on about how disgraceful it is for a child not to be on speaking terms with his family, you are a rude asshole if you remind them that the abuse rate in the US and most countries is staggering, so maybe the child had good reason.
When youre the child theyre complaining about, no one will take your side if you try to explain to them six ways from Sunday why its much, much better for everyone that you have no contact with your parent/family/ex-husband, or eventually give up and tell the person to mind its own business.
If you try to tell your friends that their latest crush shows signs of being violent or abusive, theyll hate you. If you turn out to be right, theyll hate you more.
And so on, and so forth. Honestly, if I go through every example, Ill get too depressed to finish the article. Most of them come from personal experience.
And this more than anything is why I hate human beings. Because out of those of you whove had the good fortune not to be abused or violated in your lifetime, maybe 1 in 1,000 can be bothered to muster sympathy for those who have. Oh, if you see an abused child on Oprah you cry your heart out, sure. But Im talking about putting the feelings of a survivor ahead of your own when theyre right there in your face.
When theyre someone you know; someone very much like you. When you get that crumpled feeling in the gut that its only random chance it was them and not you, and your first instinct is to explain away why it happened to them (and could therefore never happen to you). Or deny that it happened at all. Or have the awkward sympathetic moment you find yourself trapped in, but immediately pull back to superficiality with this person you once called friend.
When you make some ignorant comment about abuse and someone corrects you with a story from her own experience and your first instinct is to prove her wrong, maybe the greenest thing you could do for the environment is become part of it already. Yeah, Im so gosh darn mean, but goddamnit, this needs to be said.
Those of us whove experienced abuse, rape and other violations dont keep it quiet because were ashamed. Or because its intensely personal. The main reason we keep it quiet is because we know how youll treat us if we tell you. We know you have a culturally-granted privilege to remain ignorant. To not know, and therefore not to be responsible. Not to bother. Not to think about it.
And certainly not to do anything that might help stop or at least curtail it somewhat in the future.
But you are responsible. If youre not aware that statistically a certain percentage of the people you know must have experienced physical, emotional or sexual abuse at some point in their lives, you are helping the perpetrators of those crimes keep working in the shadows. Because as long as you imagine the problem doesnt really touch anyone you know, the problem stays hidden.
I saw on a forum the other day some people discrediting a study about rape statistics. If this study is true, one poster said, then about a fourth of the women I know must have been raped at some point, and thats just not true. How can anyone think that because a fourth of the women he knows havent told him, Oh, by the way, Ive been raped before they must not have been? The answer is: they cant. Theyre beating the knowledge to the punch. Theyre shouting in every way they can, You will not drag me kicking and screaming to the realization that life isnt fair and Im one lucky shit not to have suffered worse than I have!
He might as well help round up victims for abusers. Hes perpetuating the unfairness by perpetuating the silence.
As long as youre more concerned about your right to be in la-la land denial than someone elses right not to go through hell, you are fighting on the abusers side.
The fact that this is a privilege you are granted through the culture which dictates that abuse victims should lie rather than tell Nice People an uncomfortable truth says something odious about the culture. We are a culture of abuse. We believe strongly in the rights of the best-funded 5% to rule over the less-funded and harder-working 95%. We convince ourselves its only natural if certain people, defined by such superficialities as gender and skin color rather than important traits like capability or good judgment, should rule. We convince ourselves that cleaning lady who works two jobs just to make ends meet couldnt possibly have had the cure for cancer locked in her brain behind a lack of education, so no big loss of potential there!
Its all part of the same thing. As soon as you decide its okay for some people to carry double and triple burdens so that others may carry nothing at all, you have decided abuse is pretty neat and youre all for it. And if thats the case, all Im asking is that you shuck off your privilege and take responsibility for the decision youve made and the side youve taken.
Ignorance is not nice. Its not good people. Its not I was just trying to have a nice dinner party, whyd she go and bring up a thing like that when all we were doing was saying how gosh awful wonderful the person who abused her is and how much wed all like to see him elected God. Ignorance is the hammer in the hand of oppression
How do you tell it? This depends on where YOU are at the time you are telling it. I tell it very matter-of-factly, as if I were victimized, because that what occurred; I was a victim, not a perpetrator. I tell it no differently than if I were telling of other childhood things that occurred, good or bad. Then if someone tells me I am "glooming" things up, I correct them. I no longer see this as "doom and gloom" in my life as my past experiences have given me a unique experience and perspective to use to help others, to bring light to a subject that is too often hidden in shame and guilt and to enable others to find the strength to tell their own stories, thus start on their own recovery; I know myself inside and out in a way that most people do not, I know my weakness and am constantly finding new strengths and I refuse to allow my abusers and what they did to continue to mar my life. This is my perspective now, but it took all these years to get here - I put too much energy into recovery to allow those years to just go to waste. And by helping others and sharing my story, I feel I am doing what I can to stop the cycles of abuse that are still turning in other peoples lives.
I have had times in my past when telling my story depressed other people - then I had to re-evaluate HOW I was telling it. I started to gain the ability to talk about it as something that happened to me, not something that ruined me - I am not ruined, but through perseverance and work, I have emerged stronger and more understanding than otherwise possible.
Do not allow others to shame you - shame is a personal experience, you have control over it, whether you realize it or not. Stand up for your survival - stand up for the victim you once were and stand up TO the abuse. It is (hopefully) over now and you survived. Many do not. So take pride in the strength you have and look for every opportunity to gain more power over your abuse. You have the ability, you just have to "re-think" how you perceive it.
Do I wish it had not happened ? What good does that do? IT DID HAPPEN. It's like wishing I were born French or Blond - wasted energy! Now it is up to me to utilize my ability to use what happened or allow it to use me.
All my best, all the time -
Refuse2quit
As far as I'm concerned there are two keys to sharing.
1) As Brown said, Has the person EARNED the right to hear your story.
2) Are you ready to tell your story to non-survivors.
I remember in the late 70s when a therapist went public saying survivors should tell their stories because it would help them heal. What that therapist didn't say, and what really needed to be said, was that survivors need to tell their stories to SAFE people.
SAFE people do not shame you.
I also remember feeling anger when I heard the stories of survivors who had suffered the backlash of telling their stories to everyone and anyone who would listen because they thought getting the story out would help them.
It did not. It created more pain and hurt for them because they had not been given that critical piece of information--tell your story to SAFE people and to people who have EARNED the right to hear your story.
How do you know who is safe and who has earned the right? You know by observing their behaviors, both to you and to others in varying circumstances.
Do they keep their word. Do they treat those with less education and status with respect. Do they listen without interruptions, except to ask for clarification. Can you count on them. Are they kind, etc., etc.
I was not ready to tell my story to non-survivors (except for one person who demonstrated all those things I mentioned above about safe people) for years. It took me that long to build a foundation of self-trust.
It took me that long to realize the shame was not mine. And it took me that long to know I could bounce back no matter what.
So, yes, it's important to speak out, but only when you have enough healing to support your continued movement forward.
Speak out when you have spoken to enough SAFE people to know you cannot be shamed by the ignorance of others.
unomas, you tugged at my heart when you said, "They do not see the positiveness in your honesty, your courage and just being a survivor...what do you do with that?"
I, too, wanted people to acknowledge and admire my honesty, courage and strength for having survived and it took me a long time (I'm such a slow learner, LOL) to realize I was seeking approval and self-worth in some form...any form, and it confused me when people did not value me for that.
I'm not saying that's what you're doing. It's only in retrospect that I see how much I was wanting to be validated for my honesty, courage and strength but was not. Instead, people gave me negative stuff back. I finally learned I could not control people's behavior. They do and say what they will.
My job is to take care of my self--emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And when I have healed enough to discern who is safe and who has earned the right to hear my story I will tell it, but only if I want to, feel the need to, or think it will help educate an ignorant population.
Please, please stop telling your story to people who are unsafe and to those who have not earned the right--they can't hear it anyway and their ignorant responses and judgments only hurt you.
Safety and readiness are key, dear one, so don't give up. Practice awareness and listen to your gut and you'll know who is safe and who can hear your story with compassion.
xx
SuzA
It is important to tell your story--but only to safe people who can hear you.
And once you have that inner resilience that comes with self-love you can tell your story to the world.
I love you georgewaynekirk for moving through the confusion and pain of your inner world.
Don't stop. Don't give up.
xx
Suza
I think there maybe a little of wanting validation when i tell my story....And now i'm very scared to tell it because few understand it.Mostly because there is not a lot of physical abuse unless is from myself out of desperation....
Yeah i agree with you guys...I did go as far as to write my story in a self-advocating way...And that was a huge step but i have not showed to anyone yet...
I want to do it when i'm able to work with a therapist.Only a couple of survivors have read it.
I totally agree ONLY to safe people and in a assertive way because that is the way it is once you've have some recovery.
Otherwise people can tear you appart...We got to leave no loopholes. :)
I have become for careful now about who i tell.....Although sometimes day to day activities that i can not do due to my PTSD require that i do mention not my story but that i have severe insomnia and then of course the questions "why?"......it get tricky.....that is why is easier for me to be alone.
"So the short-hand for shame resilience is:
"Name it."
"Talk about it"
"Own your story."
"Tell the story."
And i agree but yeah good point to remember Suz..thanks
The short-hand for shame resilience is FIRST based on telling our story to safe people--as you know.
I felt compelled to say this again because there are times when I focus on just a part of the healing process at a cost to myself. I don't want that to happen to you.
xx
Suz
xx
Suz