Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
My dad was not only a perpetrator but he was an alcoholic and womanizer as well; I swore I'd never marry a man like him.
And though I made good my oath I was, nonetheless, ever vigilant wanting to make sure my husband didn't cheat on me. We've been together for over 30 years and I've never had cause for concern, yet when he told me he was having coffee with a past co-worker and that he'd been in touch with her via phone and email--without my knowledge--for the past two years, I found myself in a space of fear so great it actually caused me physical pain.
The night he told me I gave up trying to sleep. My insides felt like they were filled with acid and that feeling consumed me.
For six days I found myself in and out of fear and anger. He bent over backwards trying to ease me. He offered to transfer all his cell phone calls to my phone, to have me read all his emails, to bring her to the house so I could meet her, etc., etc.
And on my part, I pressed into service the behaviors I've learned along this healing journey to help me through what I was experiencing as betrayal.
I practiced breathing, I journaled, I meditated longer, I looked for solutions that would ease my mind, I called my last therapist and scheduled an appointment to talk with her, and I kept asking myself what this fear-pain was about.
I understood how his "clandestine friendship" had triggered old stuff but what exactly I couldn't put my finer on. I kept thinking back to the time my step-mother was in the hospital giving birth to my dad's child while he was sitting on the front porch with one of their "mutual friends" having hand sex. The next day he tossed his tee-shirt to me and told me to wash it--he, obviously didn't want to leave the evidence for my step-mother to discover. Clandestine betrayal.
But, that wasn't it and the harder I searched, the more put-out I became. What was this horrible, mind-twisting fear-to-body pain about? And did my reaction mean I wasn't really healed? I couldn't find the answer.
Though I was in and out of despair I continued my daily routine of meditation, journal writing and reading a chapter of an uplifting book. It was my practice that finally brought the answer.
I was feeling these fear-to-pain feelings because my husband's behaviors had transported me back to my childhood where my very existence depended on me being loved; I feared that I wasn't enough then and not being enough I would surely die for lack of love.
This was about allowing my husband's behavior to define me and my worth. It was about me forgetting who I AM. And it was a reminder to love myself--no matter what. I can better bear the pains life brings when I remind myself to give unconditional love to all of me.
It was a hard and needed reminder to love myself first, the rest follows from there.
xx
SuzA
And though I made good my oath I was, nonetheless, ever vigilant wanting to make sure my husband didn't cheat on me. We've been together for over 30 years and I've never had cause for concern, yet when he told me he was having coffee with a past co-worker and that he'd been in touch with her via phone and email--without my knowledge--for the past two years, I found myself in a space of fear so great it actually caused me physical pain.
The night he told me I gave up trying to sleep. My insides felt like they were filled with acid and that feeling consumed me.
For six days I found myself in and out of fear and anger. He bent over backwards trying to ease me. He offered to transfer all his cell phone calls to my phone, to have me read all his emails, to bring her to the house so I could meet her, etc., etc.
And on my part, I pressed into service the behaviors I've learned along this healing journey to help me through what I was experiencing as betrayal.
I practiced breathing, I journaled, I meditated longer, I looked for solutions that would ease my mind, I called my last therapist and scheduled an appointment to talk with her, and I kept asking myself what this fear-pain was about.
I understood how his "clandestine friendship" had triggered old stuff but what exactly I couldn't put my finer on. I kept thinking back to the time my step-mother was in the hospital giving birth to my dad's child while he was sitting on the front porch with one of their "mutual friends" having hand sex. The next day he tossed his tee-shirt to me and told me to wash it--he, obviously didn't want to leave the evidence for my step-mother to discover. Clandestine betrayal.
But, that wasn't it and the harder I searched, the more put-out I became. What was this horrible, mind-twisting fear-to-body pain about? And did my reaction mean I wasn't really healed? I couldn't find the answer.
Though I was in and out of despair I continued my daily routine of meditation, journal writing and reading a chapter of an uplifting book. It was my practice that finally brought the answer.
I was feeling these fear-to-pain feelings because my husband's behaviors had transported me back to my childhood where my very existence depended on me being loved; I feared that I wasn't enough then and not being enough I would surely die for lack of love.
This was about allowing my husband's behavior to define me and my worth. It was about me forgetting who I AM. And it was a reminder to love myself--no matter what. I can better bear the pains life brings when I remind myself to give unconditional love to all of me.
It was a hard and needed reminder to love myself first, the rest follows from there.
xx
SuzA
It is also a reminder that when something throws us like this it is worth taking the time and effort to get to the bottom of it if you can.
loum50, thank you for a male point of view. i wasn't suspicious because I had no idea--that's what bothered me a lot. His behavior felt sneaky to me since it was all done behind my back for two years.
It's not his having female friends that concerns me--I just want to know them as well. Think that's a reasonable request?