Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hi, my name is Ellie and I am an incest survivor. The man who abused me I call my father. I was only 4 y/o when I was first molested by him. All I remember today, is the couch and a jar of vaseline. I was taken away from my parents and put into a foster home for 2 years, but was allowed to return home. My parents only stayed together for 2 years after that. When I became a teenager, I rebelled (sp?) I jumped back and forth between my parents. When I was 12, while living with my father, the incest began again. It continued, on and off for 3 years. I say on and off because when things got really bad, or too hard to handle, I'd run away, but always got sent back. At 15, I moved out. At 16, I had a tragic ATV accident that put me into the ICU. After I was released from the hospital, I was forced to return to my father, my custodial parent. I wasn't there for long before leaving yet again.This was when I began "experimenting" with drugs, to numb myself of the emotional pain that I was going through. I had reported the abuse a few times, but my father always contacted me, asking me to please recant my statement, because I'd ruin any possibility of him having a relationship with his other children. I always felt guilty and therefore recanted. Progressively, my drug abuse got worse and worse. Anyway, a few years ago, I went to visit my father and for the first time, he apologized to me for what he did. I just stayed quiet, I was thinking, what am I supposed to say? It's okay? IT'S NOT!!!!! However, that day, I made a conscious decision to Forgive, Not Forget! Since then, my relationship with my father has been very conditional. He doesn't support me, sets up restrictions to his "love" for me... He has tried to buy my love over the years, but now refuses to help me in any way, because I made what he considers to be the "wrong" decision. That's a whole different story, though. My "relationship" with him today is very distant. He only calls or texts me once in a while. Rarely answers my calls/texts. When I do talk to him, it's usually spent Critisizing me, belittling me, or blaming me. I also forgot to mention that whenever he began to "feel bad" about the sexual abuse, he blamed me and then turned very violent towards me. I guess my reasoning for posting my story here tonight, is because I am seeking support of other's who may have been in a similar situation....
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
Just because you have forgiven him does not mean you should forget what he did. It does not mean he is genuinely sorry ( he's not really acting like he is ), it does not mean he's made amends, it does not mean he has done the hard work of changing out of the sort of person who could be so selfish as to sexually abuse their own child.
In short, it does not mean he is worth having a relationship with.
He sounds like he " loves " you as a manipulation tactic, and contacts you when he needs to put someone down to feel better about himself.
Meaning he's still using you, just not sexually?
Does that sound correct?
IMHO i feel dad is probably more worried about a prison sentence then a relationship with his children. I would recommend thinking about cutting ties with him since he only feeds you negativity as he attempts to keep control over you.
Lean on us here as much as you need. It's like a family here...a real one...one without secrets, and a family that truly cares for each other.
I wish you well,
Blaine
I agree with what BlueDragon and Blaine said. Take care of you - he never did and never will.
Ellie, he's playing you so you become part of the problem and will lose sight of what's true and right. Don't let him do it. Think of how you'd feel if he molested those children, if he didn't already. He's telling you to shut up so he can do what he wants, and you know how risky that is. Your father is toxic, and you may be the one person they can turn to if they need help, so please try to keep your head above water for yourself first, and later for them if need be.
He doesn't want anything to do with you except to manipulate you into silence. That "apology" was an insult to your intelligence. If possible, I think you should cut off all ties with him because he means you harm, and you can't heal while under the influence of his abuse.
You have nothing to be guilty about, but he'll try to guilt you into feeling all the wrong things. Stand your ground and listen to people like Jon, and those of us here who know what's going on and want the best for you. Many people do care :-)
I'm sorry he's continuing to hurt you so badly.
I have a friend whose mother was very sadistic and neglectful her whole childhood. My friend couldn't let go of wanting a mother, and it was only in therapy as a middle aged person, that she found the perspective to cut contact.
If i can help in any way, I will try to keep an eye out for your posts.