Hello reisen55. I am so sorry that your mom sexually abused you. No parent should ever do that to their child. It's no wonder that you are angry and frustrated because you have suppressed those memories and emotions for so long. It seems like even if your mind tires to block out what happened. Your body still knows. And maybe your anger is a defense mechanism and makes you feel safe because if you are angry and people are scared of you then no one will mess with you. I think it is great that you and your wife have sought out therapy. I think it will be be very beneficial for your healing process. I know talking about such deep thoughts and feelings are very difficult and the memories hurt and can upset you all over again but talking about what happened and acknowledging what happened will help you heal. You are very brave for sharing your story. Hugs

I thank you very much for your reply, it not so hard to discuss as after years of dealing with an unknown source of anger I have to know if this is the proverbial black hole of the issue, so damaging has it been to my life and relationships over the many years. There is no path to recovery expect to bring it into the light of memory, deal with it, knock down a few dozen dead trees in a forest and move on as best as possible. Brave? It is the last think left to do to solve this puzzle.

Did your mom also sexually abuse your sister? I wonder why your grandma didn't take you kids out of that situation. Well it seems like your mom really messed up your life and you have a right to be angry about that. I hope some day you can be happy again. Hang in there fella.

I do not know about my sister, but she was and is screwed up enough. She has had contact with both my father and mother, they passed a long time ago, as well as my grandmother. Go figure. I am finding good therapist and hypnosis if that works as well as some skilled in possible afterlife communication, which I do believe in. More to come. And, as it says below, I promise to be nice.

Hi Reisen, I am really pulling for you and your puzzle solving. I have been down what sounds like a very similar journey. I am 54 years old and just recently started to think that my emotional issues are due to sexual abuse by my dad at age 4 or so.

I can relate to your puzzle analogy because that is the same analogy I used to myself. Why was I so angry and confused before age 10? Why did I make a conscious decision at age 7 to hate my mom on the inside and just hang on till I could leave? Why does no one in my family say what they are really feeling? Why do I feel I grew up on the set of a play with lines I had to recite?

I kept trying to answer these questions and others, and I felt like I feel at the end of a crossword puzzle and there is one corner I just cannot get. I can't get a good clue in any direction that will help me fill it in. Then my dad started showing signs of sexual aggression with his dementia, and it fell into place. As they say, the penny dropped, and I was convinced.

I still don't have any memories of sexual abuse that I can call up; I just have memories of my mom being just subtly nasty to me, teasing, calling me names, preventing me from dressing pretty. I have had a couple of flashbacks of palpable darkness, choking sensations, fear of a certain room. But I'm convinced it did happen because it explains so many things: nightmares, bedwetting, thumb-sucking, depression, suicidal thoughts, running away, lack of confidence, not knowing what I want, frozen feelings, seeping negative feelings, wishing I had never been born, lack of ability to love.

I'm convinced that it happened to you by your story. I think if you keep reading other people's stories and reactions, you will find yourself in their comments. Good luck to you.

I thank you for your kind reply, it is a puzzle. My own memories are rather like quick snapshots of things and events just not quite right, for example she would clean my ears and I remember it as a very suggestive act instead just mother doing something basic for son. In discussions with my wife, my mother in later years could be brazenly frank about, oh, a hot cop she saw in town. From what I know, my father had a low sex drive. It is possible she had a high one, god knows I dated a few of those too.

I understand. My black hole of anger has been terrible and has hurt people i love. I finally received some portions of memory that fit with what I have always carried around and understand now that my grandfather molested me when I was a toddler. Once I accessed some of the key memories, my rage became even more intense, so intense I could not sleep and I really felt I was going to explode. So let me just suggest that you take it easy on remembering. Remember small bits at a time, don't be in any rush. Your instincts are right, I am sure, so no need to prove it to yourself, your wife or your therapist with a detailed story. What is important, in my experience, is to identify the triggers that cause you to shut down from intimacy or feel out of control and dominated. Then you will find the path to resolving the anger, I believe. take care and be gentle with yourself -

On this board we all have so many things in common. But this thread in particular really resonates with me. I have shared your feelings reisen55. I'm 57. My memories of abuse just came back to me this year. But I have been seriously angry for more than a year. I was hospitalized for homicidal ideation about seven years ago. Long before I had memories of why I had such intense rage. All last year while retrieving a decade of abuse I was angry with friends. I'm still apologizing now. But this idea that the anger covers up a more vulnerable hurt is a big issue for me. The rage feels absolutely right and righteous. And yet my friends tell me they can tell that underneath they see the hurt I'm defending. Friends who don't know each other tell me this. Anger has strength and safety connected to it. But just plain lay down and die hurt leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless. So rage is easier to feel, to carry, to express. The real pain in the background is terrible. You and readingtreasure are my age right before I remembered. I feel greatly for both of you for being so close to my very same experience of not knowing but carrying pain without specific knowledge. I once described it at carrying a darkness about me that was folded into the muscles of my back and into my bones. Grief and darkness and no goddamn specifics to explain and the pain. Then at 56 I remembered. Then a new reality begins. A new self, or an old self comes to light with truth. It's a relief to know in one sense but massive confusion about who I am and who I should be remains. It's a long healing journey. I think the only way to survive with goodness in life is to share with each other and be clear that we do understand and accept each other. Take good care, all of you.

Thank you all, had an appt with a cog therapist today, and set out a plan of action. I have to go back many years and most of the people are, well,. sort of dead. That makes it hard but I have a few avenues of approach to follow. The thing to be careful of is PROJECTING what can be true as opposed ot what is true. I am walking on eggshells.

BTW just so you all know, I have survived worse in one sense, one day in September about 11 years ago I walked out of the South Tower from the 101st floor. Yeah, been there, done that too.

wow your message just gave me chills. You made it, Bob. I still cry remembering that day and what happened afterwards as NYC recovered. so many stories of barely missed death - one of my friend's fathers worked in the Pentagon at the time. He would have likely died that day because of where his office was situated, but so very unlike him - he overslept that day and was late.

glad to see you have a plan that gives you feel good about. good luck.