I can't say that I see "fault" anywhere in that equation. You were both adults. Unless it was forced or cooerced I don't think either one of you should take all the blame. You shouldn't beat yourself up over your indiscretions.

I see your point and that helps. But I feel like I hurt my family because I think they knew then, and I told an aunt a couple of weeks ago. I feel especially bad because I think my grandmother knew and now she's gone. I didn't know any of them, including my mother, until I was 18. I feel like I sort of brought shame onto them.

Then again, I know I was manipulated to a certain degree because it sort of came out that he was only using me and I had really fallen in love with him, until I realized I was being used.

Thank you though, I does help seeing it as being two adults.

S.

To some degree, the abuse we endured becomes a pattern we may try to repeat, usually hoping for a different outcome. Part of what makes childhood abuse so damaging is that it 's coersion mixed with pleasure. I'm not the least nit surprised that you would seek out a much older partner as an adult. Many victims look for a protective father figure, and some just need to repeat the pattern of a much older partner. It is interesting that you ended up with another uncle. There's no way I would assign or apportion blame, but do recognize that you're following a pattern, and try to choose a non-relative partner (the uncle may have just been a safe choice to you). With a much older non-relative, you won't have the guilt or shame, and you can still follow the pattern most comfortable to you. Some will suggest that you get extensive therapy and yeah yourself to feel sage and comfortable with a like age partner, and that would be great in an ideal world. Personally I'm not sure it's possible to reprogram what pushes our buttons, and I have come to accept that the things that work for me just do. Good luck

Yeah should be teach, and sage should be safe.

Sorry about that

Sunny,

What your 1st uncle did to you was not only sexually abuse you, but he messed up your thinking. He made you think at an early age that it was "okay" to have sex with an uncle. So, later in life those wires are still crossed and you thought it was okay again. They mix up our thinking. They make us think we wanted it, that it is okay and our bodies let us down and it feels good. It is nature for it to feel good, but again we don't know this at that age and our wires are crossed.

In a lot cases we are promiscuous early and when we find a mate things go well for a while. The "honeymoon" stage where we are in control of the sex and want it all the time. Then when we have "won" that mate over we find it boring, the intimacy scares us, and caught the prey ( just like our offenders ) Then we want to find something new to conquer. They really messed us up.

So, as for fault. I do not blame you at all. Your wires of thinking is not correctly thinking. Get counseling to help the wires connect the right way.

Good luck

I agree there is no blame at all to be assigned to you, when things like that happen to us at an early age it rewires our brains differently, i was told by my psychiatrist that our brains get frozen at that point and our developement is delayed, he also said that even though we were traumatized by the events that took place we sometimes find comfort in them in a strange sort of way, which is i think what dave is trying to say, you are not to blame you are a victim from the start of it all at 12, i only have one quick ?? how do you know your grandmother knew and if she did, dont you think she would have been more hurt by what happened to you at 12

First Uncle = no fault of yours - Zero blame on you.

Second Uncle = no fault of yours - Zero blame on you.

In my opinion the first uncle created a connection in your brain about sex. In this case Older/younger, Uncle/Nephew, or something along those lines. It became familiar to your brain.

When the second uncle came along - your brain had this connection that was created before. It is kind of like - It was what you knew.

A familiarity if you will. There is no conscious thought about it. It is more of an internal feeling. A guidance system that runs on autopilot.

When the situation with the second uncle came up, your internal autopilot took over. I imagine you were along for the ride, but did not feel in control. Almost like someone or something was creating and/or controlling your actions.

After - then the process of thinking about it starts. You look back and think about how "wrong" it all was.

Guilt comes from feeling that you did something wrong.

Refer back to my opening statements. Not your fault. You did nothing wrong. In either case.

Read some books on brain function and how Programming creates how we operate at an unconscious level and how we do things we do not want to do all because we are running on an unaware autopilot level. We are truly not in control at a conscious level.

All my best to you and your journey to understand and resolve this.

I think you should accept that your previous abuse affected you in the second relationship. I was much younger, but I experienced a similar situation. Your perception of love and sex is skewed when you have had sex with a family member. I don't think you should take too much blame because as PAM said, you were both adults. But don't deny the shame. You have to come to a point where you accept what happened, your role in it, and move on.

Thank you all. I believe you are right, I did feel like I was like a puppet controlled by a desire as strong as the need to eat, sleep and breathe. Isteresa, about your question, I was speaking about my maternal grandmother, the mother of the second uncle, whom I did not meet until I was 18, along with the rest of that side of my family, including my mother. I don't think she ever knew about the abuse when I was 12. I think she knew that I was messing around with her son, John, because he was taking care of her, and living in her home at the time the relationship took place. Thank you all again, you have really helped me feel better about the situation. I will take your advice in seeking counsel and reading on the subject of what child abuse does to brain functioning.