Ever since I was young I was taught that crying will get you killed. I was taught to avoid emotion and I hardly ever cried because if I did my dad would beat me til I stopped or my cousin would slap me.. I wanted to cry so much and even now I've hardly ever cried because I fear punishment. I get so scared when I tear up, what if someone sees? What if they attack me? So I held it in for all these years. But now my therapist is telling me to let it out. I can't do that! I have to hide it, keep it from people or they'll hurt me. But I want to cry, I want to let everything out. But it's so hard... I wish I could permanently lose all emotion so I wouldn't feel, I already feel numb and dead. But I wish I could cry for once without being hurt. I want to scream, to destroy and break things. I want to scream at my father and I want to slap him!! I want to punch a hole in the wall, to get mad to get sad. I want to feel emotion!
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