Honey, I know exactly how you feel. When my cousin used to molest me... he never let me cried. Tears angered him. My whole life I connected tears with punishment as well. I RARELY let others see me cry, and when I do cry, it's by myself in my bedroom. I know how hard this is... to let it all out.

My therapist and I have talked about this too. She wants me to learn that it's okay to cry. She's trying to teach me that I'm allowed to cry.

Honey, I know it's hard, but you can cry. You can let it all out, even if it's by yourself. Find a place you feel safe, it can be as far away from everyone as you wish... and just let yourself cry.

I'm sorry that you went through that at such a young age. I'm here if you need anything.

These abusers make so fucking angry.
I hope they all rot in hell.

hugs..

I'm desperate to cry too - rivers of stuff, but until recently I couldn't for the same reasons as you. My father would either get angry and slap me to make me stop, or rape me again 'to make me happy'. Crying was really really dangerous. For years the fear would make me stop crying even before I started, then after a while I realised what was doing it, but still I couldn't cry, now the feeling of wanting to cry actually brings back the memories - I now know I won't be hit or raped, but I have to deal with the memories.

I see now I am slowly peeling back the layers. last week in my Art Therapy session I did cry a little. It is getting there - but only because I am beginning to feel safe enough to. You need to feel safe and at the moment you do not.

I suggest you concentrate all your efforts on getting yourself safe - after you've been physically safe for a while, then you have a chance of starting to feel emotionally safe and then the tears will be able to flow. I promise you.

You need to make yourself safe.

Emotional shut down is so very common with all of us. I think it may be a way of protecting ourselves, but in the end it makes us feel more and more removed from the world around us. Abusers count on that since it is all about power with them. Find yourself a "safe place" and let your feelings out. For me, it's my car where only God and the dashboard can hear me. Unfortunately punching walls will only add physical pain to your already deep emotional pain, so I hope you find a better outlet, but I sooooooooo get it and have definately felt that way myself. I'm guessing that like in my abuse and so many other's your abuser has never suffered any consequences for what they've done and that is tough to live with. Because of trust issues, it's hard to find someone to talk about your pain to begin with and add to that , so many people are ignorant and point the finger at the abused as though they are somehow at fault. If you feel as though you are breaking, you have every right to since you have already shouldered more pain than most people could ever handle. On the positive side, that makes you stronger than your abuser and a threat to them. As hard as it may seem, you need to start building a circle of people that get you and what you've gone through. It takes a leap of faith on your part, but the best way to strike back is to become a "survivor". The old saying go's..... It takes a thousand "att'a Girl's" to undo one demeaning blow to your self esteem and that is one true statement. If the people around you won't give you those "att'a girl's" Give them to yourself. I know that may sound silly but it needs to begin somewhere and too often we lose our self love without realizing it until one day we look in the mirror and see a stranger. Huggggggggggggs and prayers for you as well as an "ATT'A GIRL"............ Molly

Crying was dangerous for me also. I learned to dissociate from my feelings at a very young age. I'm starting to feel that inner child's pain now and it is so hard.

I too don't cry over anything not even the birth of my children. I don't know why I don't I remember I never did not once just dissociated like now when I remember it is like I was watching tv. Maybe I just not to cry for some reason. This post has me confused because I don't know why I never did.
Now I envy people that do because I don't for ME ( not anyone else ) it is a sign of weakness I don't like the feeling Of tears or the whole emotion feeling. Maybe it because my cries went unheard with my mom who knows. Great post