Incest Survivors Support Group
Incest refers to any sexual activity between closely related persons that is illegal or socially taboo. Consensual adult incest is very rare. Incest between adults and prepubescent or adolescent children is a form of child sexual abuse that has been shown to be one of the most extreme forms of childhood trauma. If you or a loved one is a survivor of incest, join the group...
Hello all! I'm new to this group, but have read several posts and want to say--what a great group of supporters!! I just wanted to share a little of my story and get advice on what to do.
My younger sister and I were abused by my older brother for about 2 years when I was 4-6 years old. We ended up telling our parents who had no idea, and he was sent away to a boys jail for eight years. He never came back to live with us, but did move back to the area where we lived. Before he was released from his time at the jail, he was required to make an apology to us. He did, but looking back on it (inwas maybe 13-14 at the time) I know he didn't mean it. He was just doing what he had to to get out. My mother has forgiven him and is able to love him still. My father has a pretty negative relationship with him because my brother treats him with no respect etc and I think my dad blames himself for what happened. Since he got out about ten years ago he has continued to make bad choices including stealing my dads identity ( they have the same name- he is a II) and many counts of fraud. I used to see him some when I was finishing ip high school which was ok with me at the time as I had yet to deal with the affects of the abuse on my life. Once I started college about six years ago, I began to deal with all my problems. I had a fantastic counselor who helped me deal with OCD, anorexia, anxiety, depression and my bitterness. At the end of our two year therapy I had chosen to forgive him. I didn't tell him, or anyone really except for her. However since then I have met and married the love of my life. He is accepting of me- broken as I am. He never pushes me to do things I don't want and is hopeful for a full life of happiness for us. We have been married a year and are really happy. We were both virgins when we got married (aside from my rape/incest as a child). However since we've been married I have been unable to feel sexual pleasure except on a few rare occasions. It sickens me that he and I worked hard to remain pure during the time we were dating and that we "did everything by the book" but yet things have to be like that for us. It makes him sooooo sad to not be able to please me. He feels like a failure and I think he is beginning to get depressed about it. I didn't know if anyone had similar problems with their partners? Also, I just gave birth to our first child- a beautifully precious innocent little girl :) I have been honking about what to say to her regarding my brother. How to word what happened etc when she gets old enough to understand. Also I think I do not want him to have any contact with her. I think he still has to many problems, it isn't healthy for me to be around him and I'm tired of him continuing to hurt me. ( forgot to mention that he has repeatedly done things to let me down over the years one being ignoring my invitation to my wedding. I felt like hat was him saying he didn't care that I was happy with my husband and he didn't want to share one of the most important days of my life with m or my family. It was terrible to be standing there wig the photographer asking where my brother was, and knowing my sister had called him the nigh before begging him to come and on top of it all the week of the wedding I got a sick letter from his gf cussing me out for no reason.) basically I just feel like it's time for me to all he way put my foot down and say enough! I've had enough of your emotional abuse as well! You will not be apart of my life! My husband is supportive of these things however, my mom isn't. She thinks he should see the baby. She has talked to him about her and showed him pictures of her which I'm not really comfortable with. Then out of the blue he called me the other day and left me a vm "just checking in"!!! I hadn't even talked to him in over a year and a half!! I just dont know how to go about "ending my relationship with him and exPlaining that o my mom. I'm super close to my mom and hate to disappoint her, but this is what I want. Anywa sorry if this is scattered, I just wanted to ask about a few of those things. Z any advice would be appreciated!
My younger sister and I were abused by my older brother for about 2 years when I was 4-6 years old. We ended up telling our parents who had no idea, and he was sent away to a boys jail for eight years. He never came back to live with us, but did move back to the area where we lived. Before he was released from his time at the jail, he was required to make an apology to us. He did, but looking back on it (inwas maybe 13-14 at the time) I know he didn't mean it. He was just doing what he had to to get out. My mother has forgiven him and is able to love him still. My father has a pretty negative relationship with him because my brother treats him with no respect etc and I think my dad blames himself for what happened. Since he got out about ten years ago he has continued to make bad choices including stealing my dads identity ( they have the same name- he is a II) and many counts of fraud. I used to see him some when I was finishing ip high school which was ok with me at the time as I had yet to deal with the affects of the abuse on my life. Once I started college about six years ago, I began to deal with all my problems. I had a fantastic counselor who helped me deal with OCD, anorexia, anxiety, depression and my bitterness. At the end of our two year therapy I had chosen to forgive him. I didn't tell him, or anyone really except for her. However since then I have met and married the love of my life. He is accepting of me- broken as I am. He never pushes me to do things I don't want and is hopeful for a full life of happiness for us. We have been married a year and are really happy. We were both virgins when we got married (aside from my rape/incest as a child). However since we've been married I have been unable to feel sexual pleasure except on a few rare occasions. It sickens me that he and I worked hard to remain pure during the time we were dating and that we "did everything by the book" but yet things have to be like that for us. It makes him sooooo sad to not be able to please me. He feels like a failure and I think he is beginning to get depressed about it. I didn't know if anyone had similar problems with their partners? Also, I just gave birth to our first child- a beautifully precious innocent little girl :) I have been honking about what to say to her regarding my brother. How to word what happened etc when she gets old enough to understand. Also I think I do not want him to have any contact with her. I think he still has to many problems, it isn't healthy for me to be around him and I'm tired of him continuing to hurt me. ( forgot to mention that he has repeatedly done things to let me down over the years one being ignoring my invitation to my wedding. I felt like hat was him saying he didn't care that I was happy with my husband and he didn't want to share one of the most important days of my life with m or my family. It was terrible to be standing there wig the photographer asking where my brother was, and knowing my sister had called him the nigh before begging him to come and on top of it all the week of the wedding I got a sick letter from his gf cussing me out for no reason.) basically I just feel like it's time for me to all he way put my foot down and say enough! I've had enough of your emotional abuse as well! You will not be apart of my life! My husband is supportive of these things however, my mom isn't. She thinks he should see the baby. She has talked to him about her and showed him pictures of her which I'm not really comfortable with. Then out of the blue he called me the other day and left me a vm "just checking in"!!! I hadn't even talked to him in over a year and a half!! I just dont know how to go about "ending my relationship with him and exPlaining that o my mom. I'm super close to my mom and hate to disappoint her, but this is what I want. Anywa sorry if this is scattered, I just wanted to ask about a few of those things. Z any advice would be appreciated!
homeogenic
Sorry for the typos I wrote this all on my phone and I was auto correcting words :) lol
deleted_user
I am so sorry for what your brother did to you. I am so proud of your parents for sending him away. I am a parent. My son abused our daughter. I didn't find out until it had been stopped for 2 years. How old was your brother when he abused you? We didn't send our son away. I am amazed that you still want a relationship with him. My daughter does not. I respect her feelings. It's very hard. He doesn't sound remorseful to me. I would recommend distance. Your mother will just have to understand what he stole from you. My prayers are with you. My prayers are with you and your family. xoxox
deleted_user
When I finally broke free of the blind loyalty to my family on behalf of my brother I was just done. No contact with my children and no contact with anyone who supports him. There is no such thing in my eyes called remorse from abusers. Once an abuser always in my mind. I refuse to have the garbage in my life. He could apologize and cry (like he always does when he is trying to win sympathy) and I would most likely spit in his face. That's just me. Abusers are pathological in many ways and tend to be narcissistic. They only care about themselves and how they are perceived by people. You have to do what is best for you and your husband. That's it. I wish you the best in whatever you decide and I am sorry if I am a bit harsh in my desription of my feelings. I hope you will find the support you need here and welcome. Take Care.
deleted_user
there was a post here a few weeks ago called Sex , it's on page five. Women here talked about their sexual experiences now we are adults, but who were abused in the past. It may offer you the sympathy and shared feelings you need. And it might give you hope for the future with your husband. If your husband is getting depressed from not being able to please you then maybe he could read this post I refer to also. Some on there, myself included, write that the right partner makes a big difference. Since you love your husband he probably is the "right" partner, but lots and lots of communication about how your injuries from abuse are having an affect is a way for him to understand that this is not about him. The best of luck and progress in your healing.
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