Impotence & Erectile Dysfunction Support Group
Erectile dysfunction or impotence is a sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis for satisfactory sexual intercourse regardless of the capability of ejaculation. There are various underlying causes, such as diabetes, many of which are medically reversible. The causes may be physiological or psychological.
I'm sure you all know why I'm here. I've been with my fiance for almost three years.
When our relationship started, we were in bed ALL the time. Shortly into our relationship, I was diagnosed with a kidney problem which causes chronic pain, which caused lots of problems and slowed our sex life a lot. He stood by me the whole time and took incredible care of me.
Over the last few years though, our sex life has gotten slower and slower, and most of the last year we had sex just a handful of times. It slowly became clear to me that my fiance was having more and more trouble keeping an erection and finishing... and it just got worse and worse. I didn't want to draw attention to it and make him feel even worse, but I'd talk about it if he started the discussion.
He says work is really stressing him, which is certainly a believable reason. And he's trying to get out of the job. He's tried a few herbal remedies, but nothing has helped, and in fact, it seems worse than ever.
He does still get morning wood, so it seems like the problem is psychological. So I try not to let him know how much it bothers me, because I don't want him to feel even more pressure. He's not dumb, he knows it bothers me, but I don't want to add to whatever psych problems are fueling the issue.
But the thing is, I feel so unloved, unwanted, undesired... I feeling like the grossest, fattest, ugliest girl in the world if my man can't keep it up with me. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I'm not sexy enough. Every time we attempt to ahve sex, which happens infrequently now, and we have to stop in the middle, I want to burst into tears. I never do, but it kills me inside.
I also feel like an incredible selfish, unloving, uncaring bitch for being upset about this. This is creating such an awful chaos inside me, but the last thing I want to do is make my fiance feel even worse than I know he already does.
I don't know if anyone has any advice, but I thought some sympathy and commiseration would at least help me deal with what I'm feeling.
When our relationship started, we were in bed ALL the time. Shortly into our relationship, I was diagnosed with a kidney problem which causes chronic pain, which caused lots of problems and slowed our sex life a lot. He stood by me the whole time and took incredible care of me.
Over the last few years though, our sex life has gotten slower and slower, and most of the last year we had sex just a handful of times. It slowly became clear to me that my fiance was having more and more trouble keeping an erection and finishing... and it just got worse and worse. I didn't want to draw attention to it and make him feel even worse, but I'd talk about it if he started the discussion.
He says work is really stressing him, which is certainly a believable reason. And he's trying to get out of the job. He's tried a few herbal remedies, but nothing has helped, and in fact, it seems worse than ever.
He does still get morning wood, so it seems like the problem is psychological. So I try not to let him know how much it bothers me, because I don't want him to feel even more pressure. He's not dumb, he knows it bothers me, but I don't want to add to whatever psych problems are fueling the issue.
But the thing is, I feel so unloved, unwanted, undesired... I feeling like the grossest, fattest, ugliest girl in the world if my man can't keep it up with me. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, I'm not sexy enough. Every time we attempt to ahve sex, which happens infrequently now, and we have to stop in the middle, I want to burst into tears. I never do, but it kills me inside.
I also feel like an incredible selfish, unloving, uncaring bitch for being upset about this. This is creating such an awful chaos inside me, but the last thing I want to do is make my fiance feel even worse than I know he already does.
I don't know if anyone has any advice, but I thought some sympathy and commiseration would at least help me deal with what I'm feeling.
Look, if someone was going blind, and there was a medicine that could help, you wouldn't send him to a psychologist, would you?
This said, still getting morning wood doesn't necessarily mean the problem is psychological. Morning wood doesn't mean a man is aroused. It means he has to pee.
Medical problems should be ruled out first. After that, then look at the possibility that it's stress. In the meantime, I know exactly how you feel, thinking you're undesirable. No matter how many times my husband tells me the problem is his, not mine, my subconscious never quite believes him. Especially since it is true that I am overweight. (So is he.) Sure, weight loss would be good for me, which is exactly why I'm working on it, but my body size and my husband's ED have nothing to do with each other. As has been pointed out, if it's a man complaining about his wife's lack of sex drive, neither he nor anyone else is going to automatically wonder whether or not HE is attractive.
You are not selfish, unloving, uncaring, or a bitch. You are simply frustrated. Until a cause is found and corrected, I recommend a lot of use of the hands. Best wishes.
And remember, men are more visual than are women. I am sorry, but in some ways, looks do count to a lot of men, even when they don't like to admit it. I know men who claim they had ED with their long time wives, but after they separated or divorced these same men had no ED problems with their new partners who were not always younger than their wives.
Same with some wives who say sex was no fun with their hubby, but after a separation or divorce, they say they enjoyed sex a lot with the new guy.
I am talking about people mostly over 60 years of age, not about everyone.
When we were dating my H couldn't get a full-blown erection and I really thought we'd never make it as a couple. I just felt so.... awkward. I felt really kinda unattractive and like all of the time and energy I had spent being sexy was just going to waste. I knew the problem wasn't me... but I still internalized it.
I guess taht is when I realized that I had taken the sex WAY out of context, I had made it much too much important. Here was this great guy who loved me, was warm and affectionate, and was attracted to me... but he had this problem. I couldn't get on and ride like I was used to and becasue of THAT reason alone I was thinking we'd be short lived as a couple?
I felt like I needed my values and priorities straightened out.
At what point did I start to value the sex as foremost in a relationship? And at what point did I associate my man's sexuality with my own self esteem?
I still can't answer that. I can only say that to have my self esteem tied up in being sexually desired by my man is a BUNK sort of self esteem to have.
It's got to come from within.
And it's not like he didn't desire me.
So, I said Goodbye to sex the way I had had it before, and opened myself up to this man, as he is, and I've not looked back. This is the best relationship I've ever had, and sometimes, very rarely, some of the greatest sex too! Problems and all.
There is hope. Love with your heart, love with all you've got. Be open to what might come out of this. Chances are it won't be a waste of your time.
It isn't easy. But rarely in life are the best things the things that come easily, hey?
Woops
M