Maybe HE isn't happy with his performance. Make sure he knows you are. Let him relax for 5 or 10 minutes after sex. Play with his foreskin, glans and testicles. You could try to feel his prostate by poking your finger up his bum. Masturbate him. Good luck.

I agree that perhaps HE isn't happy with the situation. I have been there. It is difficult to put into words to describe how a man's sexual performance is so closely linked to his emotional well-being. Not being able to perform sexually is one of our biggest fears, so he is trying with all his might in hopes that he can still be "a man". I suggest going to a Dr to get help with either testosterone for low libido or with pills to aid in erections.

I understand. I got tired of helping him. Then i got sick will a vestibular disease. He was not helpful. It ended in divorce. I am much happier now. Wish you luck. Maybe counseling. They feel so insecure and the arguments are so exhausting.

my husband and i are in our 30's. i just want you to know you are not alone...and it could be way worse.


When i was 33, i had 3 kids and the world's greatest best friend. we had been best friends for over 3 years. one night i suddenly realized i was completely in love with him. I confessed 3 days later. He felt the same way and right then we decided to move in together with plans on getting married. yes, it really happened that fast and we had never even kissed until that day. and yes, i know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie.

My kids were in the room down the hall so when he didn't come on to me right away I was not particularly surprised. But after 2 weeks of living together it was just weird and i was tired of waiting. I got mad and asked him what the problem was. He said it was that he wasn't sure what to do so he had done nothing. That's right, he was a virgin.

WTF . 35 years old, smart, Handsome, 6'2" (he looks like Thor, long blonde hair and all ) 3 college degrees, great job and 3 long term ex-girlfriends ... Turns out he is a hopeless romantic and was waiting for the woman he wants to marry. Not religious or anything, just this romantic notion. OK fine, it was kinda cute.

So the next time my kids went to their dad's, we gave it a go. We got undressed and He got super nervous when nothing happened. that's fine, i get it. we will work up to it. Next day, tried again. Nothing happened on his end. Played around for a while, nothing happened. Again, WTF. Next day, same. next day, same. This went on for 2 weeks. Now the first few times i had really believed he was just nervous. Then I of course did the girl thing and thought it was me for a week or so but I am a nurse and this was something else. It took 6 weeks to get him to admit there was that kind of a problem and go to the doctor. Got cialis. Worked great. Made him a little queasy sometimes but he said it was worth it. he took some pepto. problem solved. And by some kind of bizarre miracle the best sex i have ever had.

the Cialis stopped working consistently within the first month but the Thing was it worked sometimes. Some days it happened right away, some days we could mess around for an hour trying to get there and it would just not happen. He starting getting anxiety about coming on to me b/c we never knew if it was going to work today. So he stopped coming on to me. So i starting coming on to him more but It started to feel like i had to beg for it. We started fighting about it. I would say it was better to try and fail because at least then i knew he wanted to, he said it was to hard on him to fail because it made it worse the next time. OK fine. So we went back to the doctor. The doctor said to double the dosage. medically an ok thing to try but financially that was over $600 per month on a government salary. It was really a stretch but we gave it a shot. We tried at that dosage for quite a while. It still worked about 1/3 of the times we would try but the other 2/3 were really hard on him emotionally... but even worse on me. I had gotten to my upper 30's by then, not a great age for a woman and had undergone an emergency hysterectomy that took all my hormones away and so i had gained like 50 lbs in a few months. bad timing, real bad. i felt just unattractive which is crazy b/c i look 25. we needed to fix this, so back to the doctors.


story pause--- tangent---The biggest problem is, even now, that when he gets upset or frustrated about it, i do my best to tell him it's ok and help him feel better. when i get frustrated about it, he gets angry (which is just weird b/c he is the calmest, happiest guy ever) and reminds me that it's not like he chose this blah blah. DUH, but i am allowed to get frustrated too right? apparently not. the doc says i have to "be supportive" but why am i not allowed to be frustrated? it effects me just as much.
(we have never had a fight about anything other than sex, ever, in 7 years.)
---end tangent---

the doctors use your past sexual history to determine what kind of problem you may be having, but without a sexual history they are having an impossible time finding a cause because there is no basis for comparison. and he is pretty young (38), healthy, no smoking, hardly ever drinks, eats ok, no other medical problems etc. so the doc gave him something for the anxiety. no change. next year. doc said to go to taking 4 pills 2x per week instead of 2 per day because they last 36 hours so there would only be one day a week we couldn't try. didn't work any better. fighting is getting worse, but still only ever about sex. i finally convince him to go to a different doctor. this doc switches him from cialis to viagra. he gave him 2 trial doses. first one has zero effect, even less than the cialis. second dose, same. so when he goes back to the doctor for the follow up he is devastated and convinced that nothing will ever work for him. doc says to try in on an empty stomach, no food for 3 hours before. AHHHHHHHHH. it worked great!! yeah, we had finally found the solution. Or so we thought.

we realized pretty quickly that to have to plan your sex 4 hours before it can actually happen (3 hours after food, 1/3 hour to an hour to kick in) just does not work. Not only was he often having to choose between food and sex but how do you know if you will even want to in 4 hours? there were a few times he took it hoping to go for it but then he would be too tired or i wouldn't feel good or just whatever. he was wasting expensive pills taking them i hadn't felt like it in the first place so we decided that we would always talk about it before he would take them. this made it even more awkward. after a few weeks we realized it's hard to commit to sex before you are even in the mood for it. or of you are in the mood for it who knows if you will still be in another 4 hours. or if you want to but are out and want to grab a bite, you now know you are not getting to have sex. or the worst is you to decide to use the pills and in that hour get tired or your stomach acts up or whatever and then it feels like an obligation because you already took the expensive pills.

turns out we should have just had awkward sex then because now the viagra doesn't work either. it only works at all about 1/3 of the time now. he was already taking the max dose and he had even taken more than you are supposed to a few times without much change. the doctor says that at 39 his next course of action is SHOTS right into his penis right before sex. romantic huh? at that point it would be so forced, clinical and unnatural i don't even see the point.

I would never leave him or cheat because of this and he knows it but it’s still super frustrating. We have never had the intimacy issues associated with ED like a lot of couples. We are super close and do not avoid kissing or physicality or anything, Maybe that makes it worse, I don’t know.

I guess my point is you are right that you should not have this problem. I know how you feel. it sucks, a lot. and it's not fair to any of us. I am in a relationship with my husband that was never normal and never will be even with all the meds out there. And as we get older it will only get worse. But we will always keep tyring.

My advise is try anything you can to get it to work. Don’t give up!!

The Bad
I am 62 and I have a form of ED and it came on gradually over a three year period. One day I noticed that I felt like my penis wasn’t there of course I played with it got an erection all was well. But each day I felt as though it was losing feeling. So eventual it got to where an erection was difficult, then to the point where it was nowhere near the 7/8”. I finally went to the doctor took the ultrasound test, got testosterone shot, tried the pills and nothing worked. I concluded that no one knows what causes ED they tend to blame it on everything. But as for me every couple of months I am good to go maybe not as large but certainly rock hard. I have concluded my problem is more a lack of feeling because on occasions I have very little feeling except in the head of my penis only.

How long has he had ED. The onset of ED is very traumatizing for a man. I liken it to a woman who has to have her breasts removed or can't have children. That feeling of being less than male/female. There is a period of time where he will go through metal anguish, self pity, feeling less of a man, and worst yet unable to please his partner. Oral sex, sex toys, sex in general if it never includes penetration it simply doesn’t satisfy. He will need some psychological help if he continues in that pitiful state for too long. He will need help in coming to grips with his condition and sad to say there isn’t much you the ’wife’ really can do except be supportive. It falls squarely on him to accept his condition and find ways to get and give satisfaction.

The good
It is possible to have penetration sex maybe not as often or as long and without the wait for the pill to work. It can happen it has for me. He’ll have to discover for himself what will arouse him enough. A discovery I found was when I caress my wife’s breasts and squeeze her nipples she gets very wet. The problem with her being very wet is when I penetrate by her being so wet I couldn’t feel anything so what erection I had would die. One night I did something very interesting what I did was with two fingers I took the juices from her and rubbed it on my penis and for some reason I got a rock hard erection and it is less wet inside. So I do this every time she gets too wet. It doesn’t work all the time but it helps. What I am saying is he has to find an alternative that will work for him.

1. Stop fighting it that only makes it worst
2. He has to accept his condition
3. He has to find what will make him get an erection
4. He has to accept the fact that he may not ever get the size of erection he is use to
5. He really has to learn to enjoy the new kind of sex ED gives him

If he can get an erection at all there is hope. I started with just enough erection and lasts 1 or 2 minutes to a bit larger erection and lasts a little longer. Believe or not my wife complained once I took too long. LOL