my husband and i are in our 30's.
When i was 33, i had 3 kids and the world's greatest best friend. we had been best friends for over 3 years. one night i suddenly realized i was completely in love with him. I confessed 3 days later. He felt the same way and right then we decided to move in together with plans on getting married. yes, it really happened that fast and we had never even kissed until that day. and yes, i know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie.
My kids were in the room down the hall so when he didn't come on to me right away I was not particularly surprised. But after 2 weeks of living together it was just weird and i was tired of waiting. I got mad and asked him what the problem was. He said it was that he wasn't sure what to do so he had done nothing. That's right, he was a virgin.
WTF . 35 years old, smart, Handsome, 6'2" (he looks like Thor, long blonde hair and all ) 3 college degrees, great job and 3 long term ex-girlfriends ... Turns out he is a hopeless romantic and was waiting for the woman he wants to marry. Not religious or anything, just this romantic notion. OK fine, it was kinda cute.
So the next time my kids went to their dad's, we gave it a go. We got undressed and He got super nervous when nothing happened. that's fine, i get it. we will work up to it. Next day, tried again. Nothing happened on his end. Played around for a while, nothing happened. Again, WTF. Next day, same. next day, same. This went on for 2 weeks. Now the first few times i had really believed he was just nervous. Then I of course did the girl thing and thought it was me for a week or so but I am a nurse and this was something else. It took 6 weeks to get him to admit there was that kind of a problem and go to the doctor. Got cialis. Worked great. Made him a little queasy sometimes but he said it was worth it. he took some pepto. problem solved. And by some kind of bizarre miracle the best sex i have ever had.
the Cialis stopped working consistently within the first month but the Thing was it worked sometimes. Some days it happened right away, some days we could mess around for an hour trying to get there and it would just not happen. He starting getting anxiety about coming on to me b/c we never knew if it was going to work today. So he stopped coming on to me. So i starting coming on to him more but It started to feel like i had to beg for it. We started fighting about it. I would say it was better to try and fail because at least then i knew he wanted to, he said it was to hard on him to fail because it made it worse the next time. OK fine. So we went back to the doctor. The doctor said to double the dosage. medically an ok thing to try but financially that was over $600 per month on a government salary. It was really a stretch but we gave it a shot. We tried at that dosage for quite a while. It still worked about 1/3 of the times we would try but the other 2/3 were really hard on him emotionally... but even worse on me. I had gotten to my upper 30's by then, not a great age for a woman and had undergone an emergency hysterectomy that took all my hormones away and so i had gained like 50 lbs in a few months. bad timing, real bad. i felt just unattractive which is crazy b/c i look 25. we needed to fix this, so back to the doctors.
story pause--- tangent---The biggest problem is, even now, that when he gets upset or frustrated about it, i do my best to tell him it's ok and help him feel better. when i get frustrated about it, he gets angry (which is just weird b/c he is the calmest, happiest guy ever) and reminds me that it's not like he chose this blah blah. DUH, but i am allowed to get frustrated too right? apparently not. the doc says i have to "be supportive" but why am i not allowed to be frustrated? it effects me just as much.
(we have never had a fight about anything other than sex, ever, in 7 years.)
the doctors use your past sexual history to determine what kind of problem you may be having, but without a sexual history they are having an impossible time finding a cause because there is no basis for comparison. and he is pretty young (38), healthy, no smoking, hardly ever drinks, eats ok, no other medical problems etc. so the doc gave him something for the anxiety. no change. next year. doc said to go to taking 4 pills 2x per week instead of 2 per day because they last 36 hours so there would only be one day a week we couldn't try. didn't work any better. fighting is getting worse, but still only ever about sex. i finally convince him to go to a different doctor. this doc switches him from cialis to viagra. he gave him 2 trial doses. first one has zero effect, even less than the cialis. second dose, same. so when he goes back to the doctor for the follow up he is devastated and convinced that nothing will ever work for him. doc says to try in on an empty stomach, no food for 3 hours before. AHHHHHHHHH. it worked great!! yeah, we had finally found the solution. Or so we thought.
we realized pretty quickly that to have to plan your sex 4 hours before it can actually happen (3 hours after food, 1/3 hour to an hour to kick in) just does not work. Not only was he often having to choose between food and sex but how do you know if you will even want to in 4 hours? there were a few times he took it hoping to go for it but then he would be too tired or i wouldn't feel good or just whatever. he was wasting expensive pills taking them i hadn't felt like it in the first place so we decided that we would always talk about it before he would take them. this made it even more awkward. after a few weeks we realized it's hard to commit to sex before you are even in the mood for it. or of you are in the mood for it who knows if you will still be in another 4 hours. or if you want to but are out and want to grab a bite, you now know you are not getting to have sex. or the worst is you to decide to use the pills and in that hour get tired or your stomach acts up or whatever and then it feels like an obligation because you already took the expensive pills.
turns out we should have just had awkward sex then because now the viagra doesn't work either. it only works at all about 1/3 of the time now. he was already taking the max dose and he had even taken more than you are supposed to a few times without much change. the doctor says that at 39 his next course of action is SHOTS right into his penis right before sex. romantic huh? at that point it would be so forced, clinical and unnatural i don't even see the point.
I would never leave him or cheat because of this and he knows it but it’s still super frustrating. We have never had the intimacy issues associated with ED like a lot of couples. We are super close and do not avoid kissing or physicality or anything, Maybe that makes it worse, I don’t know.
it sucks, a lot. and it's not fair to any of us. I am in a relationship with my husband that was never normal and never will be even with all the meds out there. And as we get older it will only get worse.
I need help. My husband had thyroid cancer 3 years ago. Has to take synthetic hormones for the rest of his life. We have always had a good sex life, chemistry. We got married 2 months ago and he doesnt always feel good, tired. I need to know more about ED because I just found out he got a RX for generic viagra and I am totally feeling self conscious and unattractive
weve been married 6 months. I had thought because he was a religious man our sex life had been slow because we were unmarried...vacation in mexico no sex...time alone no sex....but he wants to touch ALL THE TIMEi told him its uncomfortable to me since touch for me = arousal.this has gotten so bad ive had to disassociate from him sexually and categorize him almost as family rather than a husband.i...