Hello all I am new here. I am having a really hard time. I truly feel thankful to be here and be alive after what happened to me and these feelings of sadness just seem to overcome me sometimes. I recently had my 3rd child a little girl. I was trying for a vba2c and I made it to 10 cm and was practice pushing when my old c section scar started to burn they told the dr and he said I needed to have a c section right away. I went in for surgery and they found my old scar was infected so it was good I did it. I went into recovery and I wouldn't stop bleeding my blood pressure was 23/15 they told me I was going back for emergency surgery to have my uterus removed. After they removed my uterus I was still bleeding uncontrollably they found my cervix was also bleeding and had to remove that as well and do a vaginal cuff. After 9 hours of surgery and 32 blood transfusions my family and husband was told that I was finally stable. 8 had no idea what happened that I had almost died until they came in to tell me when I finally woke up the next day.  Needless to say I am so blessed to still be here to be able to raise my 3 children and be with my husband. However I'm really starting to have everything that happened hit me I feel sad and empty I am still in pain from all the surgeries. I feel lost and don't know who I am anymore. I am so irritable and tired from not being able to sleep very well. I feel like no one understands. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way though because then I feel like I am being ungrateful to even be alive. Does anyone else feel this way? Just here to kind of talk.