Hello ohoolix...I appreciate your ability to express yourself about your wife's health. I feel like I could have written it too. While I don't know if I can advise, I was able to make a list of my wife's concerns and think about what I've said to her about each one. Most of my comments are met with scorn etc. She feels so frustrated that she has tried "everything " and generally feels really bad overall. Please keep commenting.

Well so far, what I've tried to do is be a calming influence. When she starts to stress about a headache or fatigue or a tightness in the throat or chest, I try to smile and tell her it's ok. Then I remind her that many of these symptoms can be caused by stress or anxiety. I ask her to make a daily effort to remind herself that life is good and she is in control of her own outlook. This is the approach that makes sense to me. The operative phrase being "to me."

The problem with this is that she interprets this as being patronizing and judgmental. Her defense is, "well I've tried that and it doesn't work so I don't know what you want me to do... I mean I don't like being stressed and worried all the time and I can't help how I feel." I'm not trying to tell her it's an easy fix - I just want her to work on it.

So keep in mind, she has not yet come to grips with her hypochondria. She is willing to admit that she has anxiety because it's an official medical problem that she can diagnose herself with, get medication for, and temporarily feel better about knowing why she's feeling badly. Hypochondria has a different stigma. You're delusional, dishonest, and a little crazy... Not that I believe this, understand. But that's the stigma. So I have to tread lightly. If she were like so many on this board, knowing that she is prone to hypochondria, then my approach would work better. But since she wholly believes that she's got serious problems, my approach isn't working.

My hope is that since anyone on this board has presumably already admitted that they have this disorder, and probably also once believed they didn't, that someone can walk me through how to tailor my approach to someone who's still in that denial stage.

By the way, I wonder what Dr. Oz would say if he knew that his show is essentially fanning the flame of hypochondria. I know you're trying to help, Doc. But the only people that watch your show are already health-conscious, perhaps overly so. Has this guy ever done an episode on hypochondria?... ;-/

It really comes across in your writing how much you care for your wife, that is always a good place to start. I a lot of what you have written about your wife my husband could have written about me. I have only now accepted that the fact that I tend to be a hypochondriac. I have been having this problem off and on since childhood, I had similar experiences where I saw a relative get misdiagnoised and by time they truly figured out what was wrong it was to late. And then I was misdiagnoised myself and that blew my faith in the medical system completely out of the water, even though it was another doctor who caught it and saved me, I tended to focus on the neagative. Mine tends to run in cycles alot of the time I am ok, but if I get some sort of weird symptom that doesn't go away within a few days that will trigger my anxiety which only makes the original symptom worse and gives me new ones to obsess over.

I was willing to admit to my anxiety but not being a hypochondriac, because I was afraid that if I did no one would believe me ever again when something could be wrong. I didn't want and still don't want people to assume that it is all in my head, because we are all going to die from something someday. No one wants to be labeled as crazy and untrustworthy or ignored when they are concerned. That is some of the reasons it took me so long to admit there might be a chance I could be one. During my more rational moments I saw the pattern and agreed with my husband at least in my head, but when I was in the grips of it at it's worst I couldn't see what my husband was saying. Everything that my husband said to me was heard through my anxiety filter, basically it felt like he didn't understand what I was going through.

So How did I finally admit to it. Like I said I did see a pattern and that helped but I also ended up taking the medication my doctor had been urging me to for awhile. I was so lost to my anxiety I could not think rationally anymore, I could with everyday problems but not about my illness. The medication helped me to escape being trapped in my head, because until I calmed down there was no way I was going to be able to listen to anyone. Also it help me get more sleep, which I don't know about your wife but sleep is the first thing that goes when my anxiety amps up. And who can thank rationally when your so tired. I also did the things that people on this board and on the anxiety one had recommened. I started exercising (trust me I thought this advice was full of it when I first heard it) and at first it really did nothing for me, but eventually it did help. I also cut out all caffiene and tried to eat better. I think these things work because it gives us something to control, when our lives seem so out of control. I tend to only take the medication for the shortest time possible and then my doctor and I wean myself off. And I don't always need to start it sometimes I can talk myself down without it, but when I really get going I need something outside my self to help me.

Another thing that has helped me this time around is I have stopped looking up my symptoms on the internet, because they give you every thing it could every possibly be from indigestion to ovraian cancer. How my mind works is I tend to ignore the more benign things and move on to the deadly, must take action now types of medical problems. I don't watch doctor Oz because I could tell from the comercials that it would suck me in and drive me crazy. I am not saying that I don't do what I should, if something is wrong I do still go to the doctor and tell them what is wrong. And if I am obsessing over something, I actually tell them what I am obessing over, that way they can ether test me for it or reassure me that I don't have because i don't have the correct symptoms.

I have to go and I am not sure how much this my have helped but in the end your wife is the one who needs to come to the realization, that she has an issue with this. If you have insurance maybe she could speak to someone about her anxiety since she admits to having that. I am glad you are so supportive, just keep trying to be there for her and find a support group for yourself so you can vent. Thank you for being willing to come on here to try to find help for your wife and yourself. I hope this helped at least a little. -Anne-

I have suffered for many years with panic/anxiety and hypochondria..
It took my years and a psychiatrist to help me understand that I was born this way.
I never wanted to use medication, but I decided I had no other option. My husband, like you, tried many different tactics on how to deal with me. He now knows not to fuel the fire. If I start panicking over symptoms, he talks me down. Reminds me how healthy I am, etc..
Now on to meds....it has broken the OCD aspect of hypochondria. I have read many books, and meds were my best option. I did yoga, exercise, therapy, etc...those were my band aids.
The worst part of hypochondria is that we obsess, we are convinced that we are dying and that something horrible is going to happen. Please get her to a psychiatrist, convince her with the best of your ability.

I am so glad you posted- I know exactly what you are going through, as my husband is a hypochondriac. Its the same thing with him, nothing I say is right. To make matters worse, I am a registered nurse. I say its worse, because he hounds me constantly with medical questions, but doesn't accept the answers I give him because they don't support his anxiety ie- feed into it. And it doesn't make him feel any better when I unravel the foundations of his anxiety with medically based logic.it all started for him when he turned thirty. He has always had anxiety problems, but the birthday set it off, as his mother was diagnosed with cancer at thirty and ultimately died because no one believed she could have breast cancer at thirty. So telling him the chances that he has cancer are really small holds no water. He knows he's a hypochondriac, and has been to the doctor last week, which is a start, being that because of his mother dying he generally distrusts medical people. The doctor started him on buspar, which seems to ha e little effect, which sucks because it has few side effects compared to other drugs like it. Klonopin seems to help, when he is willing to take it. It seems like this anxiety know that it would be vanquished by meds and in the interest of self preservation wont let him take the meds. As a rn, I hate the idea of him taking meds, but right now anything is preferable. He can't work, can't be a part of the family, can't do anything be wise he's constantly looking on the web, looking for the website that is going to say " chris here is no way you have cancer". And he gets angry and put out when I ask that he join the rest of the world because I am interfering with his research. And what I don't understand, as someone who has helped and cared for the dying, why if he is convinced he is dying, he doesn't spend more time with his family or do something rational like buy life insurance! Its so frustrating. He is upposed to go back to the doctor on monday, a doc whom I have worked with and have a good relationship with, I respect him very much.

Hello,

I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I myself suffer from hypochondriasis and I can tell you it is a miserable disease. It is great to see you seeking help for her. I am in a long term relationship that has had many ups and down over the years due to my anxiety. The best piece of advice I can give you is to be as patient with her as possible. People with the disease (including myself) are extremely sensitive to how other people perceive us, especially our loved ones. It is extremely important to support her and listen to her fears (no matter how silly they seem), and dont just dismiss her thoughts. As for treatment, cognitive behavior therapy has done WONDERS for people with the disease. Good luck and please feel free to contact me with any more questions.

I am just now realizing that my husband might have hypochondria, and a lot of the postings on this board are very similar to situations with my husband.

Several years ago before I met him, he had a real medical episode where his uvula swelled and he spent several days in the ICU. The doctors were not sure what caused it, but he recovered fine and he was given an Epi-pen prescription in case it was an obscure allergy. Since then, my husband has had 3 episodes of what I believe to be hypochondria and what he believes to be flare ups of whatever this allergy is. The problem is he has no symptoms during these last 3 times. The last two have been the most problematic and frustrating for me, which is what leads me to this board. This past time was after a destination wedding as we were traveling back home. He was seeming to fall asleep in line, constantly checking his lymph nodes for swelling, coughing. We ran into some people we knew during this time and he perked right up and was his normal self, then after they left he went right back to this behavior. He thought he was going to throw up, pass out, etc. He made sure that I knew where his epi-pen was and he wanted me to keep an eye on him in case something happened. I am going back and forth between panicking that something is seriously wrong, and anger at him for overexagerating what is probably just dehydration from travel and an open bar wedding. He was fine as soon as we got home and he got a good night's sleep. The time before was during our honeymoon, in which he was convinced his throat was swollen, refused to eat anything and had to rush to the emergency room. After that, he has seen various doctors, had numerous tests all of which come back with nothing. The common denominators I see are traveling and drinking. I think the original medical scare gave him anxiety and whenever he is out of his element/dehydrated, he immediately thinks he is having this issue again.

The whole time these episodes are happening, he feels awful and keeps apologizing. He has also admitted a few times that it might be in his head. Meanwhile, I am trying to be supportive but I still feel very angry (mostly because it happens at the end of a vacation and ruins that last few days). I also can't help but feel like this is attention-seeking behavior - every time I ignore it the symptoms and what he tells me gets more and more dramatic.

I am struggling because I am 99% sure it is hypochondria, but God forbid something happens and I didn't take it seriously enough.

My first step is for him/us to stop the drinking. We are in our late twenties and I think its time we abandon our college ways. The next step (and I don't know if he would agree to this) would be to talk to someone about it.

Not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this, but any advice or similar stories would be appreciated.

Wow, I could have written Ohoolix's message starting this string word-for-word. My wifes Hypochondria has been going on for years and doesnt really ever get better. Its such a drain to me because I have to constantly be sensitive her, listen to her new aches and pains, and its expected I should be validating her feelings, etc.
I am so beside myself feeling alone with dealing with this. The worst part is, there is no suggesting to her that maybe its anxiety driven- everything has some weird cause that she researched on the internet.
Her family recognises her condition and they sympathize with me, but I feel like I am on my own dealing with this. I feel like I dont have many friends anymore, possibly because of this. Her health problems and Other peoples health problems are constant topic with other family memebers and friends. To the point where it drives people away. She is just getting to the level of understanding that other people dont want to hear all about her "health problems" ad-nausem, and she is learning in social situations to not talk about it. However, I feel like I am taking the brunt of it and hope at some point she realizes that maybe its all anxiety....
Just venting. Dont know what else to do.

First off, I am glad to see that you guys care so much for your loved ones. They are very lucky to have you. I also know how hard this must be for you to approach a hypochondriac. Here is why: I am afflicted with severe health anxiety.

Up until about a year ago, I was a reasonably normal person, so, much like your family members, I am not really an idiot. What may be a bit different is that I am fully aware that its all in my head, at least the probability of that is extremely high. This doesnt stop me from having a really strong urge to get a head MRI with contrast right now, because Ive had a headache for several days. I am actually writing this post in part to get my mind off of it. I dont want to describe what its like to be a hypochondriac (there is a really hilarious and insightful book A Hypochondriacs Guide to Life. And Death by Gene Weingarten, which I totally recommend). I want to tell you what has worked on me, because my loved ones are at a loss, just like you. My shrink too had only marginal success, unfortunately.

So heres what works: I have a friend with a long history of severe depression. She gets the idea of this not being done on purpose, or because someone is being stupid. It is completely irrational and needs to be dealt with (at least in my case) by appealing to logic, generally, that same logic that leads to panic in the first place. She will spend hours with me just discussing and researching things online, looking up PubMed articles, finding statistics, symptom-to-disease correlations, pointing out my lack of common sense, appealing to the fact that Ive had those same symptoms many times before, etc, etc. All of this is done rather relentlessly, until I just give up. It works. I can only imagine the toll it takes on my friend, but it works. Sometimes oh, you are gonna be fine just doesnt work, you see. We dont do this, because we are attention whores. What works is someone secretly becoming a cognitive therapist of sorts. I know its extremely hard and way too much to ask, but it does work on me.

Any person prone to worry and panic tends to correlate. You read online that symptom X is one of the symptoms of some horrible disease. Never mind that it is also a symptom of many other things; the power of suggestion is incredibly high for us, crazy panicky people. I will go on WebMD, enter my symptoms, get a list of possible conditions, and, drumroll, scroll it down until I find some kind of cancer. Dr Oz stuff is even worse, that show uses the whole fear tactic by pedaling impending death in a way that may make a normal person buy useless crap and read mostly useless books, but is a nightmare for a hypochondriac. Try to convince your loved ones to at least stop watching that garbage, because, for one, it is not medical advice. You can find the show website with its legal disclaimer and just show it to your loved ones. If they feel that constant worry is making them more prudent, stopping to watch a show marketed as entertainment isnt prudent. I know this must be hard, because this Dr Oz fella is like the family doctor by now, but just try and pretend to actually buy this panic = prudency = control crap we unintentionally pull on you. Also, seeing a shrink is a very good idea, as long as you find a decent match. This last one doesnt sound like much of an advice, especially if your loved ones are convinced that their panic is warranted, but just try. You may try suggesting to your family doctor to mention this option next time theres a much needed visit to discuss deadly symptoms. I once asked my shrink if this pattern will ever result in missing a real health problem. She said: Given what I know about you? No way in hell.

Good luck!

Hi, what a clear and heartfelt plea for help. I'm afraid I'm not much use as I just joined this for pretty much the same reason you are. My wife too has this condition but wont accept it and it has been driving me crazy for 4 years now. I understand she suffers from anxiety and this has impacted on her life badly for many years, I knew it when I married her and it was manageable. However since the birth of our daughter she has started obsessing over health issues. It was bad to start with but she has now transferred the obsession to our dughter and to me. It isn't too bad just now with our daughter but she is now cutting herslf off from me because I wont take my health as seriously as she does. She says I am being selfish by not dealing with things. I really am at the end of my tether as we have no relationship at all now except when we are together with our daughter (keeping up appearances!) She will not accept she has the condition and becomes extremely upset when I suggest that these issues are anxiety related.

I love her dearly but can not carry on with being ignored every evening, or shouted at because I'm not seeing a doctor.