I'm pretty sure I need professional help. My anxiety, which is generalized throughout every aspect of my life, but in the past year or so has really centered on health issues, is truly getting out of control. 

I have always been a very anxious person and when anything out of the ordinary happens, I assume the worst. It's been manageable for the most part until I had my first child 15 months ago.

What should have been a joyous pregnancy was marred by reading stories of miscarriage, generic abnormalities and stillbirth and convinced one of these things would happen to me.  

"Miraculously" I had a healthy living baby, but since then I've been plagued by her health issues, both real and imagined/feared. 

She was diagnosed with hemangiomas at 2 months old. I catastrophized after researching Google that these were certainly growing inside her as well and all of the horrible outcomes that would happen to her.  I watched them and measured them multiple times a day, convinced they were growing despite the medication. It was only when the growth period for them was statistically over and they began to fade that I stopped worrying daily, but more obsessions took its place.

I convinced myself that she had a lazy eye and set up an eye appointment to confirm she doesn't. 

I noticed she had a fat roll on one ankle and not the other, so I convinced myself she had a tumor or blood clot. Pediatrician was unconcerned.

She itched her neck while on an antibiotic and so I immediately thought she had a life threatening allergic reaction. Then it happened again and as a result, two common classes of medications are now flagged in her medical history because I reported itching and rashes. Was I right to do so or did I just screw her for life?

I convinced myself she had a dairy allergy bc she got eczema around the time we introduced dairy so I demanded blood testing. Turns out she doesn't, but she does have an egg allergy. I fear every day she will never outgrow it and somehow she will accidentally eat eggs and die.

Around this time she developed a dark patch of skin on her neck and it was originally thought to be a cafe au lait spot of which she already had another. I googled and found this was potentially linked to neurofibromatosis and lost my mind and took her in to a dermatologist to see if she had it. I was later told the spot was actually a congenital melanocytic nevi, which originally made me happy it wasn't NF1 until I googled again and found those nevi are linked with an increased risk of melanoma. Now I obsessively watch it for change and photograph it constantly, convinced she has or will get this deadly cancer. 

She was sick over Christmas and I was certain she was dying of the flu because I had read stories of kids dying of the flu and I thought it was "a sign." When she was sick, she lost weight.  I then felt a lymph node in her neck and thought this coupled with the weight loss and hives she had experienced a few times must mean she has leukemia or lymphoma for sure. The pediatrician felt it and said it was pea sized and normal. I question whether he felt the right spot.

As I type half of this, it sounds so irrational and half the time I am embarrassed to go to these doctors with my issues. My family convinces me that she is healthy and then I feel guilty for not enjoying my healthy amazing little girl. 

But I can't stop worrying.

I want to see someone, but I don't want medication because, get this, I actually want to try for a second child soon. I feel like an undeserving idiot for even attempting to be a normal person and have a second kid, knowing my behavior thus far with the first.

I guess I just wanted someone other than my family who doesn't get it to hear my story.