Hello there, 

I just wanted to talk about this problem and now that I know what it's called, I realized when it first started. I didn't realize it at the time, but I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was around 4 or 5. My older brother (who's 10 years older than I) used to treat me (can I swear?) like trash. I had my first full-blown panic attack when I was 6 and my brother made me think that the toy that I'd gotten at the fair was gone (he had it in his pocket and gave it to me when the scene I created was cleared). 

My second older brother (5 years older than I) and I used to watch a lot of discovery channel and animal planet throughout our whole childhood. One night when our family ate dinner in front of the TV, the channel was on Discovery Health or something and they were doing an episode on a disorder called "FFI" and the more the program went on, the more scared I got (from this point on, whenever I learned about a new disease, I was afraid of getting it.) So basically FFI was a sleeping disorder where you COULDN'T SLEEP EVER. So you guys can Imagine how scared I got when I had a restless night or didn't feel tired at night, I already don't take naps like a normal person, because I feel anxious if I do nap in the daylight. 

 Now, about my current problem. 

I'd never been to a hospital or seen a doctor for anything more than a cold until I was 14 years old. I started having trouble breathing while being driven to school and later that day, had weird feelings in my chest. This was after a close family member died of a heart-related disorder at 16 years old, so I was FREAKING OUT. I even went to my school nurse and told her about my issues. She checked my heart rate and said it was beating fast, but only because of the walk to get to her office. Later that day when I got home, I told my mother what the nurse said and she  (without me knowing) made a doctor's appointment. Then it all went downhill because you know what I did? I googled my symptoms for the first time and saw "Heart Attack" "Cancer" "DEATH" jk about the death part, but the results might as well have had it plastered all over the screen. I went into full panic attack mode (I've only had about 7 in my 20 years on this earth so I'll pat myself on the back) My mother was a bit upset that I was freaking out when she'd made the appointment and knew that I would have gotten better help at the private doctor. So we went to the emergency room where I had yet another panic attack (because I was there a few months ago when that family member died). I waited hours just to get in because the place was a bit crowded, sat in a room waiting for a doctor for another hour and went through just a few minutes of tests just for the doctor to say THAT NOTHING WAS WRONG. I felt so stupid because the tests they did would cost a lot and I spent all that time waiting when I could have gone to my private doctor and take only a few minutes to see him.  Turns out that I drank 2 energy drinks that day because I forgot I drank the first one.

Ever since that day, my hypochondria went full sail. The more diseases I learned about, the more added to my list of faux diseases for my brain to give me. If it's a headache, brain cancer, stroke, blood clot, aneurism. If I had the tiniest pain in my chest, it's a heart attack or I'm dying. If I have trouble breathing, I pray it's anxiety or depression or asthma rather than lung cancer, pneumonia, or lung failure (my lungs work fine, I checked that too recently). I went to the emergency room recently (I have a harmless ovarian cyst that I assumed was cancer when they told me) the doctor checked my blood test results and said everything was fine. My white blood cell count was a tiny bit over (omg cancer) but was still normal (phew). 

My doctor put me on some hormone pill that was supposed to regulate my periods and it had a ton of side effects, but I still took them. This was a month ago and there were only 10 pills (one a day) and after that, I started having these weird feelings (pains in my arm and hands) and now my breathing problems returned, I'm sure it's inactivity and that I should exercise, but I can't yet until my cyst is completely gone (just did my second ultrasound today to see) but until then I think my body is deteriorating because I read somewhere that too much sitting can kill. My arm pain is probably from not lifting stuff anymore (I help my mother with her business and I used to lift up 50+ pounds of meat.  But in the back of my head, there's that voice saying that I'm dying of heart attack or something. I'm getting better at brushing some things off or thinking of other things. I find that playing video games or putting my mind on other things like Netflix and typing this long thing out. I feel like I'm a bit calmer when I'm distracted.

and finally, a random question for whoever decides to read this: Is anyone else a bit too aware of their heartbeat?

like sometimes I'll be doing something and remember my heart "Is it beating?" then I'd stop doing whatever to check. I'm annoying myself lol. I wish we all find some solutions and help for our problems and I'm glad that there's a support group for this. And remember, Google is the enemy.