Hello everyone,

I'm feeling depressed and ashamed this afternoon. I'll try and make my background quick. I'm 42 and was married 17 years and split about 2 years ago. I've had a few partners since the split but was diagnosed with high risk HPV a few months ago. The doctor thought that I probably contracted HPV many years ago. My coloscopy came back only slightly irregular in August and my GYN felt confident that my HPV would probably be absorbed back into my system. She told me not to worry but continue with regular paps and HPV screening to keep on top of. She also didn't feel it was the 16 or 18 strain based on the results seen, though they didn't check strain. She also said that it was my choice to tell or not to tell any potential partners, but almost everyone had it at one time or another, so it wasn't a huge deal.

Well, I have been seeing a guy a few weeks when we don't have our kids and have developed a real connection. We talk for hours at a time each night and never seem to run out of things to say and have many commonalities. We've also shared one kiss and agreed to take things slow. The other night the talk of whether or not we may become intiment came up and we each were honest and direct. He shared an experience with yeast he caught from a woman a short time back and me always trying to be honest and direct, shared my HPV diagnosis. I explained to him that the risk for cancer in men was extreemly low, but it was there. I also referred him to several websites that had reliable information. I even called my doctor (who's nurse wasn't the most helpful and said she couldn't tell me much more to make me feel better). He understandably told me he would need to think very carefully about it yesterday. Well, today he called me from work and said that he was very grateful I told him and it wasn't anything to be ashamed of. He felt that I would be just fine but he just couldn't expose himself to potential cancer causing virus even if it was an extreemly low risk. I mean I do understand, but at the same time I just want to scream, that your wife cheated on you with multiple men and you've had relationships with other women that have had multiple partners. You could even give me a strain that I don't have. Just because they weren't ever diagnosed or never told you that you had it, doesn't mean that you don't!! Instead when he said that he'd like to still be in touch and be friends, I just could hardly speak without crying and told him I didn't think I could do that. I needed to go and digest things. I could tell he felt awful and really likes me but, I feel so awful and damaged too! This is the first time that I've ever had to tell a potential partner about my HPV and it makes me want to stop dating all together to avoid potential future hurt! I'm just so honest, and I can't imagine not telling someone but this is so hard!! 

I texted him a bit later and asked that he call his doctor and get his advice versus continuously searching on Google for answers. He said he'd like to do that. So I left it at that. I just once again am so incredibly hurt right now and don't know if I should just let this whole potential relationship go or even date again at all. 

I'm sorry if this sounds so selfish or petty compared to many of you that have stories that are much more serious and life threatening. I just didn't have anyone to talk to on this and felt like I needed to get things out. 

Thank you for reading!