Where do i even begin?

It all started when i was 16 and i made the biggest mistake of my life. There was this guy i was speaking too and he invited me over. We had spoken several times and i explained to him how i didnt wanna have sex and someone i trusted him. I went to his house and we started to kiss and stuff, normal right? Then he started to get touchy but i didnt mind because i never been touched by a guy before. Then he started to go too far and i told him i was a virign and wasnt ready to have sex, next thing you know i was pinned down and crying and screaming for him to stop and that i wasnt ready and begging him to please stop. I thought that when it was over that was the worst part, except he went ghost on me after i told him i could tell the cops he raped me. That wasnt even the worst part, two days later i started to get this weird discharge kinda green and yellowish. I thought it was weird and i was too scared to tell my mom so i began to google ways to get rid of it. Then i came across douching so i decided to try doing that with apple cidar vinegar, but that didnt help much because the discharge went from green to cream with weird spell and i began to get warts on my vagina. I cried for months and months and i kept thinking i had Trick. The warts finally went away and i thought i was better, so i started seeing someone.

         We were together for about a year but i kept getting this discharge so i went to the doctor and she just told me that i had an infection and prescribed some medz for me. Which did nothing at all. At this time i had told my bf that i had an infection and he probably had it too, but instead of leaving he stayed with me. Well unfortunately he cheated on me and we had to break up, but everytime he messaged me asking for sex i felt the need to give him because i felt so guilty for giving him the std in the first place that it made me feel like i had to have sex with him everytime he asked. So into the second year since i realised i had an std, i kept having sex with him on and off anytime he asked until i got fed up and just blanked him out although i still feel guilty about it.

       Then January of this year i realised that i had these lumps under my tongue (my ex and i performed lots of oral sex). I thought they would eventually go away just like my GW, only they didnt. Then about three months later my gums started growing over my teeth a little, i thought that was because of plague or something. And recently my lymph nodes below my chin started swelling (theyve been swollen for about two months now) and i started getting a pain in my chest constantly. I went to the hospital and did an xray but the doctor told me it was probably juust anxiety. So i went along with it but it still hurts on and off and im worried. Could it be that im getting anxiety from my fear of having oral cancer or salivary gland cancer? I get so scared sometimes that i cant sleep at night, which causes my chest to hurt even more.

     On top of all that, Im alone and im too scared to tell anyone close to me. I know if i do tht theyll judge me and look at me differently. Thats why i decided to keep this three year secret, even if i have to go to the grave with it. I get so lonely sometimes and i have to brush off any guy that comes at me because i dont want give them what i have or put them through what i went through to feel how i felt. Not to metion i havent had sex in over a year because im too scared that ill give it to someone else. I even moved to another country so that i culd start my life over because i was scared that my secret would soon get out, but i just feel even more lonely here.

     I know that its only a matter of time before i die and ive accepted my faith for the mistakes i made but i just want someone who i can love and cherish without having to worry about getting them sick or feeling guilty constantly for giving them what i have. Sometimes i feel it would just be better if i had just killed myself when i was 16 and had just found out.