I think many people in long marriages could admit to having ups and downs in their relationships. We love people, not because they are without faults , but because they also have many attributes we can admire. I hear you saying this in your honest post.

I loved Don from the time I was 16 and in high school. I still love him today. Not because our life was without problems, heck, even I have made mistakes (lol!!). He forgave me as I forgave him, some forgiven before he died and some later. I think it is often our nature to focus on the good side after losing them. It's true there are good sides, but not many I have met have no flaws.

You are a wonderful and courageous woman and my respect for you is overwhelming. I am so proud to call you my friend. Sharon

Paula, it is very brave of you to be so open about the other, the troubled par, of the relationship with your husband. And it is actually very healthy to be objective.

I can see you point reading some of the enshrining posts, which are very common among those who have lost a spouse recently As widow/er/s heal, they typically have a more realistic assessment of their past . As in one of my grief recovery group's therapist named those stages " from glamorizing to demonizing" .

I not in either stage, since I have been a widow for almost 5 years now, I learned about the initial and later perceptions quite intimately. Since I am the one who had experienced great love, I feel I need to clarify that by no means I was implying that we were perfect.

As a couple, we were , like anyone else, with our flaws and limitations; and as many couples do, we had the wonderful infatuation stage, and the "what the heck I was thinking " stage... yet, getting though different stages, we were sure that we meant for each other.

Relationships are complex, we bring into a relationship so much of our past, our unfulfilled longings, and dreams. My husband and I, we both wanted to have someone to belong to, to have a family, because we knew losses in our separate previous life, therefore our desire for the unity, for togetherness was very strong. We were excited to find a kindred spirit with somewhat similar past, as well as similar dreams; we were determined building us from two autonomous individuals into something stable, loyal, and lasting. That initial desire and vision of having a life partner kept us working on the differences, and it was work, not a walk in the park. Temper (many broken plates), compulsive actions,health issues, surgeries, addictions, troubles with in-laws, cultural differences (I am European, he was an American Italian), we had so many challenges, but when I was looking into his eyes, I knew he was the one for me. When he was looking at me, I saw love in his brown beautiful eyes.

The connection was so deep, much deeper than the disappointments, life changes, spousal troubles.
Even when I hated myself for whatever reason, he was loving and was unconditionally understanding. When he was disappointed in himself, I knew that, but I was their to boost his self perception, because I truly loved that man.

We showered each other with so much care and compassion, indulged on spoiling each other, especially when we were getting through the rough patches, and we had plenty of those.
Flawed, with a plenty of shortcomings, but I loved that man who gave me, for the first time in my life, feeling of being a center of someone's world, being protected, cared for . He made me feel as a special gift, and I responded giving him my heart.
It does not mean we were perfect, but the intensity, and depth of our connection was unique. He was indeed my best friend, my mentor. I was his nurturer, because he had never had one before me, and our mutual gratitude was beyond the small stuff.
When we could not our problems, we were determined to get through them, and were seeking counseling, or older friends' advise, and it worked; we did not ran away from issues or each other, but dealt with them, and we were one" till death do us part" .
I don't have to embellish, I am the first to say that it was not perfect, but it was a real love which is so hard to find.

Paula, just another thought about your post.
As I mentioned before, we tend to create larger-than-life memory pictures in which we either enshrine or bedevil the person who died. This phenomenon increases with time, and some of us can not distinguish between the myth and reality

Another important psychological phenomenon of our time is social media.
I cannot totally compare DS with FB for a number of reasons, however, both can create that subconscious frame of reference, comparison to the "norm".

Take Facebook; If we do not watch out and not taking it with a grain of salt, we might begin to think that everyone has a better life, closer families, better hobbies, more "friends" and "like"s to their posts and all that shallow rubbish.
there is not real harm in that human tendency of some stretch of reality, as long as it is understood as such, and not taken as "norm"

I admire your effort to seek the truth within yourself, it is healthy.

Oh Paula. I so get you. And thank you for your post. I loved my late husband very much and he was a dear, sweet, kind and compassionate man. But he was more like a friend to me. He did not make me go weak at the knees, my heart flutter or time stand still. We didn't even have a sex life for the last 10+ years. He was my best friend though, but he was not my lover and soul mate. I so get where you are coming from. Yes I miss and love. him.. do I want him back? Honestly - no. The last shot I get in this life, if its possible, I want to get that "unconditional love" that everyone is talking about. I want to know what its like to have my heart jump into my mouth, my hands shake and my heart pound at the very sound of his voice. I am going to search the whole world over and I will find him one day!

Big hugs and take care XXXX

I think that people tend to glamorize their lives to some extent after a lost. I think you post is honest and truthful. In long marriage/relationships life happens. There are family problems, financial problems, job problems, children and relative problems. It happens to everyone. How you deal with these problems/situations is the key. Some people are simply lost. I have seen more breakup/divorces over job losses and the economy than I have seen in years. If my husband and I had separated after every lay off, we would never have been married for 32 years. When one spouse becomes ill, I have heard wives/husbands complain like the person deliberate got sick. I loved my husband dearly and he loved me. We worked hard at having a good marriage. Was he perfect-No and neither was I. But we were forgiving of each others less than perfect behavior. I miss him so very much. It has been six years now and he is still a big part of my life. But I can now look at our lives together and be very thankful for the time that God gave us.

Raye123

you go Paula!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love this honest look back and forward. I do think if we step back to look at facebook for example, everything is beautiful, we get just that snapshot into people's lives. In real life and in our marriage. Some likely had every moment of wonderful that any couple could ask for. I think when i look back we great into that couple together. I am such a different woman now, we likely would not have chosen one another hd he been the man he was and I am the woman i am. But we were together to create who i am. I love him beyond words as we do. He shaped my life. His death shaped my NOW life as well. I am loving the woman i see in mirror but its because i am seeing her through my own eyes, and not through his wonderfully loving eyes. I like knowing who i am although the pain, i would not have chosen to get to this point. Here is where we are. There were such ups and downs and i guess we mostly gloss over the down times. Because they are the past. The good are too. Its just easier to look at the good. Loving what comfortblynumb wrote and all of you have said. A nice honest read at where we have been is really soothing to me

A fascinating topic that is hard to answer, just as our day to day relationship for 39 years just went along, as we grew up together. I didn't do much dating before I met Jerry in college. Marriage was the only option for "good girls" back then. In a way, the younger people have a better time of it I sometimes think , because they can "shop around". We did have a great relationship, and worked things out, which often meant ignore things that drove me crazy and not confront them! He did that as well with me when I drove him crazy! Being together was the way to be! I notice that I take a lot of (excuse the expression "shit") even now from relationships. Not a good thing. I was very independent, had my own career, and Jerry was proud and generous with me, but the pressure was on to "preserve and protect" the marriage, which meant I didn't dwell on things that - yup that drove me crazy!!! He was the same way towards me, so it was always a stalemate, never resolving some issues that should have been addressed. I think we are in a better position now - at least I know I am, to be sure that issues are addressed as they come up, easy to say!!!! Great, thought provoking topic!

I am now living past two husbands, both loved me, but my first husband had severe insecurities and need to control. He passed in 2007, fourteen years after the divorce was final. He went to the extreme of punishing behavior. I can say I feel sorry for him, but good times or even the flutter of the beginning is hard to recall. But even after I remarried he told me I was his only love,..and will be till the end.

My second loved me in all the ways possible with more understanding than I have ever received. Even in his Depends he wore (due to cancer radiation), he would do a little boogie, that would erupt in a fit of giggles for me, the butterflies were still there after 21 years.

He loved me until he passed also...
But the difference is, I will love him until I pass.

Bob and I had both been married and divorced (twice) before finding eachother. I think probably the best way to describe our approach was to agree to disagree. We understood that our experiences made us different people and that was ok. There were things that we could talk until we were blue in the face and never change the others opinion. But I loved him and he loved me warts and all. We argued, of course, but there was an underlying love and respect for eachother.

I totally agree with you Paula. My husband was a lot like yours. Very Controlling, and abusive. It was like I was in prison. I think he loved me in his own sick way. And he was insanely jealous. We were together since I was 15, for 49 years. I did love him, I don't know why.... And even told me, if he died, and I got involved with anyone else, he would come back and haunt me, forever.

I also like the fact, I don't have to answer for anything, or what I buy, or do, or eat anymore. I don't have to stay quiet and walk on eggshells, I can smile or speak to whomever I want, and not have to walk behind him anymore. I am not doing anything, but it seems a relief that I am out from under the Dome. I could have just gone wild, but that's not who I am.

As far as trust, I will have a hard time, trusting another man, and fear that I will be put in the same situation I lived in, for so many years.

I am really glad that I hear someone else who has survived this life. Thank you

I think my marriage to Don was a lot like Vicki described hers to be. We never waivered on loving each other but we married in a time that was very different than it is today. I will share an example, when our children were both in full day school I wanted to get a job and told my mom my decision. She was quick to tell me "a good wife lives on her husband's income and doesn't humiliate him by working. "

I didn't follow her theory and went on to have a career I enjoyed, but this type message follows your thinking your entire life, Sharon

Sandee, "As far as trust, I will have a hard time, trusting another man, and fear that I will be put in the same situation I lived in, for so many years."

It is because of this that it took so long for John to break my walls. They broke finally.

My first husband was the controlling and abusive one. He and I had two daughters together and then divorced after 16 years. Denny was my second husband and yes...he was amazing and we had such a deep and strong love. We only had 12 short years together and he worshiped the ground that I walked on.He treated me like Gold and I am not making that up. When I lost him it was a huge huge loss!!

I now have found Craig and he and I are so great together. I do not think that there is such a thing as a perfect person. I myself am imperfect. I do believe that when we have a mature love where we love the other for who they are and not for how we can change them, we can be very happy.

Life is ever changing. I now am very good friends with my first husband and he is not the same person that he was. He had so much respect for my relationship with Denny and knows how much he and I were in love. My first husband also learned from Denny how to be a Dad and how to appreciate that he is able to still be here for his daughters. He saw Denny get the brain tumor and all of us lose him and he knew what that was like for all of us to live through.

I think that we all grow and learn from every relationship that we have. If we married very young and stayed with one person most of our adult lives then we had to grow and learn together....which means lots of changes throughout the years.

Denny and I learned how to treat another by the time we met each other. We had matured. Craig and I also have a mature relationship.....which is much better than the trying to change each other stuff that a young couple usually has to grow through.

We do not "find" a perfect person and magically find bliss...it takes coming together and growing together as a couple while remaining two strong individuals.

hugs..
-Diana

I know nothing about abusive relationships except what I have heard from friends. If you were to ask me about my marriage when Jim was still around I would have told you I had the best husband and I did. Our marriage had so many ups and downs and we rode everything out together. Strange as it sounds it was the bad times that brought us closer. It made us appreciate each other more. I would not say our marriage was perfect but pretty darn good. We seldom argued choosing instead to talk it out. We each adored the other and our love grew through the 35 1/2 years of marriage. We were always there for each other. I could not have asked for more. If I never find another man to love I am happy with the memories that Jim gave me. I plan on seeing him again when I die and that is what keeps me going as I go through life alone. I know I had a good marriage to a good man... Marriage is a 50/50 relationship and you have to bend a little at times but when you love that person it's not hard at all. I am no expert on marriage but it worked for me.

A marriage is not like a Barbie and Ken and make believe. A marriage has its good times and bad. I can honestly say I never knew of any one that had a perfect marriage. Like others have said on this topic, we sometimes forget the bad times or only remember the goods times with our spouses. Why, because we miss and loved them.

I was married 34 years and during that time, my husband had 2 affairs that I knew of. I forgave him, but I never forgot about those affairs. It still hurts me when I think of them. When he did die, I was so scared that someone might show up at the funeral from his past. No one did. At least 10-15 years before he died I wrote him a note to please choose me to stay with over his girlfriend. I promised I would love him forever and never bring up the past and I never did. I found that letter in his top underwear drawer when I cleaned out the drawer. I never saw it before when I put clothes away. So when I discovered it, I threw it out and then I dreamed that he was yelling at me b/c I threw it out. That it was his letter that I wrote to him and I should have kept it.

I know he loved me and that is what I miss so much. I hate living by myself and doing everything for myself. I now realize how much he did love me by all the help he would give me.

When he first died, I told people in my grief share group that I was always afraid of him leaving me, and in the end that is what he did, (not of his choice though).