HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

373 Members

1,289 Posts

0 Online

mel40 01/31/2016

We all need messages of hope and truth. My dude and I are taking a 2 week break from all communication. ( 12 more days to go.) Its hard because I miss him incredibly. We broke up January 16. I didn't anticipate the pain that I felt. I didn't anticipate that I would discover how much I truly love this man. My heart had to break in order for it to open up.
Following our break up, he would text me. It hurt. He maintained that he loved me and missed me but didn't want to be with me. I asked many for advice and finally got some good advice from a counselor. Most people advised, "move on." Well, I wasn't ready. The heart and mind are 2 very different things and I think love may be more powerful. The counselor advised "take a 2 week break from all communication and then ask yourself "Do I still miss this person? If you both do, then you can come back together. If not, then you can both move on."
A couple of nights ago, he sent me a text and a picture of his dinner with candles and the text "Candlelight dinner for one. I want you to know that I'm not running around looking for a new woman."
I made the proposal to him about 2 weeks and asked if he would agree to this. He replied "yes". And then followed "It won't be easy. I've already got it on my calendar!" So far, all communication HAS stopped. I write him letters every day. I have hope for us. I also have the fear that after 2 weeks, he will say "nope, I don't miss you". But, I have hope.

Shrn 01/31/2016

I wish you well. Sharon

Veronica77 01/31/2016

The person I got involved with last year is pretty much out of my life but whenever I see him around he looks very sad. I keep praying about it asking for some signs about what to do. I see him at the strangest times. I came from the car dealer and was stopped at the light and saw him pull into a strip mall on the corner. I go to the grocery store and drive by the entrance to park and he is coming out of the grocery store. I come out of the coffee shop and he is driving past. This happens consistently and I have asked God to take him out of my space so that I can move on but so far that hasn't happened. Just saw him this morning on the way to the library parked at the coffee shop in the spot closest to the road. I keep asking God for direction but so far nothing has changed.

jonimb 01/31/2016

It should not be so hard should it? I am so sorry but really believe this will work out for both of you. Good for you for fighting for this man and hopefully he will see the light. I am like you and don't give up easily when I love someone. You will make it! Hang in there Mel!

mel40 01/31/2016

Thank you!

mel40 01/31/2016

it's worth the work!

rochelle1466 02/01/2016

we all hope he will change his mind and want to be wth you. Best Wishes

letmehelpyou 02/01/2016

Mel:
I hope that the times gives you both the clarity to work out the kinks in your relationship and helps you both communicate with each other better. Hoping it all works out.
Hugs,
Val

Meboysmom 02/01/2016

Very wise decision

avm99 02/01/2016

Mel, sorry you are going through a tough situation. I'm glad you are taking the time to think things through. You said that he loves you but doesn't want to be with you. Do you love him or the idea of him? Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, it may be to teach us lessons and then move along in our journey.
Hope it all works out.

Antonella

jeanatds 02/02/2016

Hi Mel, I hope this works out for you if that is what you want. I'm sensitive to your post because I wasted an agonizing year and more on someone who kept me trapped in his virtual world to serve his needs for attention and some connectedness. When we met up he was very lonely and I remember he'd said about his ex that 'at least she was someone to react to'. I realized I had only taken her place and it was a nightmare to keep in contact hoping it would still work out as I was also very much in love with this person. In reading that he sent you a picture of a candlelight dinner and assured you he was not on the prowl, from what I experienced those were the twisted messages. Just something to think about Mel, only you know the whole situation and if he's worth the life you're giving him then he just is.
Hugs,
Jean

regwin 02/02/2016

Hi Mel, If it is meant to be it will be. Hugs, Dolores

mel40 02/02/2016

Thanks everybody. It's been the longest 4 days of my life. We just clicked and he was so loving to me. Our intellect was similar, we got each other's jokes. We had fun. We supported each other emotionally. I think he just got scared and ran.
I've been working on me and trying to deal with this in a healthy way. Yet, I've cried every day. I miss him. I really love him and I really want him in my life. He never treated me badly. He just broke up because he was afraid of commitment and going through another divorce. He hadn't had enough time to heal from his divorce when we met.
I don't know what the future holds. I still love him and I still want him in my life. We've agreed to not communicate until the 12th of February. 10 more days to go.
I've realized a lot in these last few weeks. How much I really do love him and how much I tried to deny it in order to protect my kids and friends from being hurt by "me loving somebody else". I remain hopeful...who knows? Maybe I just needed to learn how big my heart truly is.....

mel40 02/13/2016

We texted last night and I asked if he missed me. He said yes, he does but he's still afraid of taking on another family. (My daughter). It's hard for him because her dad died and he feels guilty stepping into those shoes. He feels like he is violating something sacred. I wish he would just think about me and how I feel. He also feels like he was trying to replace his family and make it better for his kids. So, he says his guilt is gone but he is still afraid. Man, I can relate to the crazy feelings that come along.....

letmehelpyou 02/14/2016

Mel:

I know that this is no the clear cut answer you were hoping for. It seems that he has a lot of ambivalence and insecurity from his own issues (his divorce) that he has to work out. Until he does, I am very afraid he is going to keep yo-yoing. I hope this is not the case for I want nothing other than for you to be happy with this man that you so clearly have feelings for. However, he needs to do some of the hard work on his own, for his sake and yours, and until he does.... I just don't know.

I do know that Pat and I have succeeded now for three years on very clear communication and understanding of each others lives and pasts. But, we had come to our realizations about our lives on our own before we got together. We both had acknowledged our spouses death, that death's impact, and how we wanted to move forward with our lives. I am afraid in some sense dealing with divorce is messier work, not as clear of break of demarcation, I suspect. I do not know as it is not in my experience.

Please, please take care of you!

Hugs,
Val

mel40 02/15/2016

Thank you Val! This is very good advice and I can honestly say that I accept that he needs to work on him and it wasn't just a temporary case of cold feet. I pray for healing for both of us.
I thought I was ready last January when I started dating. How will I know when I am ready?

Join the Conversation