One  year and 10 months ago I loss my sweetheart.  We had been friends, engaged, lived together twice, and loss a child.  While we were together, my youngest sister was killed.  After we broke up, I had hopes we would get back together and ultimately be a family.  When we got back together, he had stage 4 lung cancer. 

I've loss other people but this time I felt like I needed some support.  My sororiy sisters do not live in Dayton.  They texted, called and a sent a few cards.  Three months ago, my line sister loss her husband and me and my line sisters traveled to her home, we helped with the repasse bring food and donating money, we purchased flowers, we attended both the funeral and the repasse and many stayed the night.  Both services were held over a three day weekend.  She got everything but a parade and I got text messages, a few calls and a few cards.  When I mentioned his name in our group chat forum, it's like EF Hutton is speaking.  No one says a word.  Yesterday I received a card from my line sister.  As soon as I read it, I cried.  She said I don't know what we can do to convince you that you have 10 sisters.  The support I received from them in the loss of Raymond was little to non existent. 

11 months after he died, my spirit was very low but somehow with god's help I finished my doctorate.  I don't know how I finished but I finished.  I just wanted to go, get my diploma and come home.  One of my line sisters felt the need to share this info with my other line sisters.  Two decided to come.  I kept saying that's not necessary but two of them showed up anyway.  So I reverted back to my old self of smiling like I won the Miss America Pageant and being gracious but feeling anger inside.  

The card made me feel like I am not thankful for support but frankly I do not feel supported.  I feel alone.  Completely alone.  I have no children, no husband, no best friend, I have half siblings and step siblings who act more like my enemy until they need money.  My mother, father, grandparents, sister, great aunt and uncle, are gone.  All the people that truly matter are gone.  I have no support base and I have 10 line sisters that live 45 minutes away.  I feel completely alone.  I have tried to share how I feel many times but it feels as if no one understands.  They just don't get it.  

Right now I go to work.  I work at an Air Force Base and I feel I can't get ahead to save my life.  I come home and I go to sleep early.  I am not seeing anyone.  I attend chruch and I do public service projects in my sorority.  I do not feel like I have much to look forward to.  My siblings are like the Adams Family.  There is always some craziness.  Recently there was a custody fight over my great niece.  I asked could I see her and basically my brother and sister in law ignored my request and would not allow me to see her.  I was looking forward to spending time with her.  I was very close with my niece until my sister got in the picture.  My sister took my niece around bad infuences and now she is very disrespectful.  I practically raised her after my sister was killed and she treats me with so much disrespect.  

Sometimes I wake up and if feels like a bad dream and he is still gone.  No happy ending to our story.  Nothing is life is meant to break up but I feel so broken hearted.  I often feel that I deserve all of the losses and I deserve to see the person I love die.  Today is a bad day.