I want to add that this pen pal relationship has shown me that I can love again. That I could have someone in my life. A different person. And be happy & not looking back. Not that I was looking, nor am I now.

I don't know about men healing faster, but I was still pretty much in shock at 3 months. Having said that, I don't think that "time" is necessarily the measure for when you are ready for a relationship. The important thing for me would be how this relationship makes me feel -- about them, and myself.

Under our circumstances, any relationship will feel awkward in the beginning, that's to be expected. My suggestion would be to take your time and see how things go. Sometimes we can "fall in love with love", and attach that feeling to a person. Being in love (or the feeling of being in love) produces chemical changes in our body that make us feel good, -- and we need that. Are we in love with that "feeling", or with the person -- that is the question. Take your time, and you will find the answer.

I stopped beating myself up. I know where I was at 3 months. I know where I am now and I trust that we will both figure you it. Thanks! Great reply!

I for one have noticed that i am the person 'in love with the feeling of love' since becoming widowed 22.5 months ago, i must say is only when i have realized this after a few feelings of that, and it need only be a series of conversations and i am all a flutter then a while into it, a month, maybe two, somethink kicks in and i am bored with the feeling so for some months now, i have been into falling in love with this really wonderful person...ME

In looking back now I realize that there was a time that I was not safe. I was so needing to "feel" what I had felt with my husband that I made some choices that I would have not made if I was not that hurting. I ended up going out with and getting to close to two men that were not my type at all. One was a pathological liar and I believed every single word he said. He actually was living with another woman and convinced me that she was just his roommate, until I told him that I wanted to talk with her....then he admitted that they were living together. Another was still in love with his x wife and he convinced me that he was in love with me, then told me that I was too intense and needed to "date around." Both men were friends of friends and I was told that both were really nice men.

Both taught me something that I needed to learn...but if I wasn't SO needing love....I would have realized that I was looking in the wrong places for love for awhile.

I dated two other men however that I do not regret. One was Safe Mike, who I started dating a year and a half after my husband died. He taught me so much about me and life and we continue to be friends to this day. The other is my boyfriend Craig. We are very happy.

It has now been four years and five months since Denny died, and is not the vision of life that I had. Someone else does not just magically come into your life and fill the space that was left. It's all about the shape....every person has a different shape and the shape of your life changes too as time goes by....

It is so hard to tell what is in our best interest and what is just "needing" to "feel" again so early on. We do have to live true to ourselves though and we all do have a different time line so follow what is right for you.

hugs..
-Diana

Well, he wrote me yesterday that he is just as interested in me. He initiated it, not me. We both find each other interesting, enjoy each others sense of humor and and character. I've never seen him. He has seen me on Facebook. We wrote back and forth a bit last night and agree that time is on our side. As I said, he lives in another country, so, we can get to know each other before forking over a bunch of money for a plane ticket. :)
I guess I am just in shock that I could be interested in another man, that someone else could make me smile (without knowing that he was interested in me too)
I'm staying in prayer because I don't want to hurt him or use him for my own needs, which is hard because I enjoy talking to him. (That's my own need, right?)
Initially, I had a goal of 6 months before considering dating and he had a goal of one year. In 8 days, I will be at 6 months. ( I don't consider this dating) he just passed the 3 month mark a week ago. We both agree that we need to get to know each other better over the next few months. Again, time is on our side.
It is nice to have those butterflies again and not thinking about the past but thinking about today, with a smile.

Just be very careful, there are so many scams out there. They hook you in and have you fall in love with them and then, they need money and you think you are helping out the love of your life and fall for it all. There are a couple of people on here, that talked to a few men out of the country and then found out they were scammers. So please, be very careful A pen pal is fine, but never send money.

Paula

Ha ha ha! I should have been more clear! I didn't meet him online dating! It was here! In a support group! I was wondering why y'all seemed so down on it! Now, I get it! Ha ha! Let me start over. He read my posts, wanted to talk to me and started sending me messages, picking my brain. I didn't catch on, but we messages for a couple of weeks back and forth. He seemed very nice. He would tell me stories about his life and listened to mine. After I had posted this originally, he divulged that he thinks about me alot during the day. I enjoy our conversations, he makes me laugh and we have alot in common. He has replaced the grief, not my husband, but the grief. When we had first started messaging, he had started a thread about being fb friends. So, I became fb friends with him. This morning he told me that he is having something delivered to my house tomorrow. He tried to have it done today but it's Sunday. I'm guessing flowers. Anyway, sorry I wasn't clear!
ROFL! Funny!

Thank you for clarifying! I was concerned for you!

Hello,

I still am very concerned for you. Just because you met him on here - doesn't make him genuine, especially asking for your Facebook and Home address. Although most people on here do seem very genuine, one of the CLs did put up a post ages ago about giving out personal information as not everyone maybe who they seem.

I do see how it would be easier to date someone in a similar situation to yourself - I constantly want to meet someone to talk to (a female friend not a male partner) who understands what it is like for me as I feel like nobody understands what I am going through. I think you both are very early on in your grief to be thinking about such a thing - my grief counsellor told me that you can't replace grief or skip it. You have to deal with it as it's the only constructive way to come out the otherside balanced and able to find happiness again. If you try and replace it now, you'll be storing up issues for later. As you are both suffering (if he is who he seems) it sounds like a receipe for disaster so soon. I would advise you to focus your energy on healing yourself without a man and then maybe one day you will find true love again - not the idea of love.

Take care,

x

Mel, I do not think anyone is down on it. just cautious. If this is working for you, everyone will feel thrilled for you.

I, too, am concerned for you. Be very careful Mel. Maybe the man is genuine but the "living in another country" rings alarm bells, I don't know quite why, I too live in another country after all. Just make sure that you do not send money, no matter what. Being on DS may not be a guarantee.

Even though you are both very early in your grief, to become friend is not a problem but please be careful.

All the best. Viviane

Just forgot to say that I was not being judgemental or sanctimonious, definitely not. X

It's all good. I came home to flowers and candy on my doorstep. The card said "thinking of you and how you've changed me." He asked Everybody to be his fb friend, not just me. We talked several times a day for several weeks. Mostly about our grief. For me, it was digging my way out through my faith. I would pray for him and we shared inspiration and jokes. (Nothing dirty) just keeping each other company while we get through this. I wasn't looking for anything, but became very interested in him. He became like a friend I have here in real life, except his jokes were better. Anyway, he told me that he liked me first. I reciprocated. I don't think I've missed any steps in grief. I think I went through it. There is no rule to how long you stay miserable. I loved my husband and always will. This guy is different. Kind if the same, in that he is a gentlemen and takes care of family. Humor is different. He is military. He is MUCH more forward in pursuing life than my husband was. He likes traveling and culture and reading. My husband hated those things! Anyway, I don't foster a disaster. I was fine before I met him. If it doesn't work, I will be fine after. I've been praying constantly and God has been telling me to let him in. John, not God. God is already in.lol!

Hi mel40,
I hope you take the advice of kellysmith65........she gave you excellent advice.
Be careful,
Pam