HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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mel40 04/08/2014

I have been dating a guy for the last 3 months. I've gotten closer to him. I really like him. But, now, I've discovered an insecurity. I think I am going to talk to him about it. He is very supportive and understanding. But, this is different. His girlfriend/ fiance went into a rehab facility last January. Then he and I started talking and dating. She is out now and has contacted him to let him know that she was in rehab and is now out. She is reestablishing her life without him. My insecurity is that her belongings are still in his house. He hasn't told her to come and get them. She has kids, so some of it belongs to her children. He had asked me my opinion and I told him to give her a timeline. Tell her "I've got your belongings. When would you like to come get it?" Then give her a month. That's ample time. He hasn't done that because he feels like it's being mean to her. He says she is mentally unstable.
Yes, I still have Mike's stuff in the house. Not everywhere, but some things. I still have pictures of him up in the house. But, it's different.
I just feel like he has two women in his heart and I have 2 men in my heart. But, she can come back. Mike can not. I said my goodbyes and Andre has not.
I sound like a hypocrite, I am sure, but it's just different.
I can keep Mike's things and keep him in my heart because that is over, that chapter closed. It was not a loss I chose, but I survived and even thrived.
I think Andre's loss is chosen by his ex girlfriend; but for him, the chapter is not closed.
Is this crazy? I am not worried about losing him. I just don't want to be a hypocrite and crazy, so I thought I would park this idea here. Get your input.

mel40 04/10/2014

Thank you Rochelle. Especially for the statement about passing judgement. Honestly, condemning and judgemental statements here hurt just like in "real" life. I come from a different philosophy; believing that we should uplift each other.
I didn't ask if I should date, fall in love or who should be my friends. I asked if I was a hypocrite, and that's all. I should have been more specific about that fact. I am sorry if you felt that I was opening up my dating/ love life for discussion. I didn't mean to.
I just know that as a widow, I can sometimes feel different and entitled, and I wanted to get opinions on this subject. I am sure many of us do it. Feel sorry for ourselves. Want to be treated special. Play the widow card. I don't believe that I deserve that because of a "W" on my chest,.
I am sorry if people misunderstood what I was asking. I hope it didn't cause harsh feelings or misunderstanding.

mel40 04/10/2014

I wanted to update how it turned out. Andre called me to tell me that he talked with her last night and told her about me. He even sent her pictures of us together. He said he feels really good about it. He didn't sense that she was upset. (He also said, "sometimes women will trick you.") She said she has been seeing someone else and they broke up because he wasn't good for her. She told him he looks happy. He said he is. He is looking forward to seeing me again.
Anyway, I am glad he told me. I have a hard time with patience as well as communication. Lol! But, y'all know that by now! Youve read my posts!
Thank goodness, we are adults. :) acting like adults, anyway.

Comfortablynumb 04/12/2014

If your request for help and opinion is genuine, lashing out at the bearer of bad news is not a good idea. Sometimes, those who share concerns and disagree with us save us from making mistakes.

mel40 04/12/2014

ComfortablyNumb, I wasn't lashing out. Another misunderstanding.

deleted_user 04/12/2014

Mel, my thought would be he had another life before you came into the picture. Honestly , can you feel comfortable not knowing what that part of his life was about. Ask yourself, has he been honest with you about his past. That is what scares me about this journey, starting over!!!! Maybe he needs to fully close that chapter of his life before you can have a possible future.

mel40 04/13/2014

Yes, I agree. We have discussed it. I don't know his past any more than he knows mine. We ask questions, we talk. What I've learned is that my intuition is good. My heart is good. At times, I get a little too caught up in myself.
Tonight, I had dinner with a widow friend that I met a few months ago. I don't know her past. I ask questions, we share. Her heart is good. She has become one if my closest friends. I love her! She is an amazing woman!
It is scary. I agree. I have made mistakes. But, in those mistakes, I have learned a lot about myself, others and life in general. It's worth it.

Girldawg1 04/13/2014

This is some baggage he has to deal with. If she is considered that unstable, then perhaps one of her kids can be contacted to deal with her belongings? How he handles this will give you a good indication of how he will handle other affairs of life just in general.

gayle1953 05/04/2014

wow mel!!!! you stirred a lot of people. LOL. all I can add is go with your heart, your instincts, take it slow and keep your guard up a little. would hate to see you hurt!!! not that you will but there is always that chance. life is one big chance no matter what you are doing. I hope it all goes well and works out the best for you. you seem like a wise person and your judgement should be trusted

mel40 05/05/2014

Thanks SS. Thank you. Trust in a romantic relationship takes time. I only know what he has told me. I don't know if he has told me everything. It is scary but at the same time, we risked with our spouses. It took time and forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness.
He has told me that they had a very bad relationship. Unhealthy. That I treat him so much better than she ever did and he always made excuses for her. He came by last night and apologized for thinking last week that I might become like her. I knew he was different last week and he explained that he became scared that I would hide things from him like she did. He realizes that I am not her and that she damaged his psyche. He will work to stop thinking that I'm going to do him wrong.
Is he telling the truth? I don't know.... But it seems honest. I didn't solicit it

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