HOPEFUL HEARTS...LIVING AGAIN AFTER THE LOSS Community Group

We are a group of people who have grieved the loss of a spouse, partner, or lover and are searching for a life without our mate. Some looking for their own identity as an individual or finding a life for themself. Some looking for companionship or a serious relationship with someone new. And some just feeling lost and unsure. We offer encouragement, support and virtual...

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mel40 04/08/2014

I have been dating a guy for the last 3 months. I've gotten closer to him. I really like him. But, now, I've discovered an insecurity. I think I am going to talk to him about it. He is very supportive and understanding. But, this is different. His girlfriend/ fiance went into a rehab facility last January. Then he and I started talking and dating. She is out now and has contacted him to let him know that she was in rehab and is now out. She is reestablishing her life without him. My insecurity is that her belongings are still in his house. He hasn't told her to come and get them. She has kids, so some of it belongs to her children. He had asked me my opinion and I told him to give her a timeline. Tell her "I've got your belongings. When would you like to come get it?" Then give her a month. That's ample time. He hasn't done that because he feels like it's being mean to her. He says she is mentally unstable.
Yes, I still have Mike's stuff in the house. Not everywhere, but some things. I still have pictures of him up in the house. But, it's different.
I just feel like he has two women in his heart and I have 2 men in my heart. But, she can come back. Mike can not. I said my goodbyes and Andre has not.
I sound like a hypocrite, I am sure, but it's just different.
I can keep Mike's things and keep him in my heart because that is over, that chapter closed. It was not a loss I chose, but I survived and even thrived.
I think Andre's loss is chosen by his ex girlfriend; but for him, the chapter is not closed.
Is this crazy? I am not worried about losing him. I just don't want to be a hypocrite and crazy, so I thought I would park this idea here. Get your input.

Meboysmom 04/08/2014

Hmm it sounds like he may not be ready to let go.. was she with him a long time? Did he get attached to her kids? I agree with setting a time for her to remove things, that is not being mean, it is also helping her move on. What do the rest of you think?

rochelle1466 04/08/2014

of course he has some type of attachment to her since her belongings are there. It is reasonable to ask that she pick them up as having them there is an unrealistic remaining attachment to someone very alive and that could interfere with what you are building with him. Maybe he does not wish to hurt anyone's feelings. In that case he may have to ask himself why? If the relationship ended prior to her entering the rehab program. Its very different than our deceased loved ones. I wish you well with the relationship as i know its been one you have been enjoying very much. I would totally feel insecure too, i think its natural

johnGP 04/08/2014

As harsh as this may sound, you need to put as much distance between yourself and this situation as possible. I am assuming that she went through rehab for a drug problem, but an alcohol problem is not much better. If he has "facilitated" her problem (knowingly or not), she will always be looking to him when she gets in trouble... and the odds are that she will continue to get into trouble.. If she is a meth addict, there is no telling what she might do... they are totally unpredictable, and dangerous.
Do not try to relate this type of situation with the "loss" of a loved one, this is something completely different. This is something that neither you nor your children want to be anywhere near. The last thing you need to worry about are her belongings, you need to think about where this is headed... and where drugs and/or alcohol are involved, it is not headed anywhere you want to be.

Just my opinion.

Caroline04 04/08/2014

I don't think he is being completely honest with you. Is the stuff all boxed and ready to go or is it laying around right where they left it? I think also, you need to step back and tell him he needs to end his other relationship before going forward with you. It' not the stuff it's what it represents--unfinished business. I wouldn't give any ultimatums-just state that as a fact and let him figure out what he has to do. I'm thinking he already knows.

mel40 04/08/2014

It's boxed up. And he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But, I am not ok with moving forward if he is not ready to move on from that. Their relationship lasted 2 years. I don't think he was very close to her kids. I am going to let him know today how I feel. I think he knows too. And I don't have any desire to control or manipulate the situation, so, it's his decision. I am happy either way.
I have no idea what kind of rehabilitation it was. Or if he is being honest. She was gone for 3 months. That suggests drugs or alcohol. He says she suffers from severe depression. JohnGP, I hate to say this but that's quite the assumption, there. Mmmmm. Rehabilitation is not necessarily meth. You scare me. Remember that we are talking about people.
Thank you. I just wanted to know that I wasn't being a hypocrite.

deleted_user 04/08/2014

"I'm happy either way............" -- REALLY? Most rehabs are because of some kind of addiction; I'm sure you know that. And, addiction is just what it says. I have to somewhat agree with John GP.

johnGP 04/08/2014

I have been a volunteer at a "rehab" clinic, and I could you tell stories that would scare anyone... including me. They didn't have security guards for nothing, and they usually pretty busy.
No, I don't know it was a drug addiction, but 90 days is about par-for-the-course. They may leave "clean" after 90 days, but they are not "cured" by any means. Strange as it may seem, they are all "people"... some of whom would do ANYTHING to get their next fix. There are a long list of side effects to meth addiction, including paranoia, hallucinations, depression, and much more. Do not kid yourself, they may be people, but they can also be very dangerous people.
I am not trying to scare you, but to make you aware that you may be getting in the middle of something that you may not fully understand. Maybe so, maybe not... but I think you need to find out exactly what the situation is, and only you can decide if this relationship is worth the risk.
Enough said.

mel40 04/08/2014

I am a licensed drug and alcohol counselor. My mother went through rehab for alcoholism. My husband became addicted to meth 10 years into our marriage and he cleaned up. I am not afraid of addicts. They are people with problems. Just like the special needs kids I teach.
My Sister in law has been addicted to heroine for 10 yrs. my Brother in law was addicted to GHB and cleaned up. It happens and I don't think people should make assumptions of other people or treat them like they are less than or to be feared. They are somebody's child, sister, brother, mother, etc.

johnGP 04/08/2014

You asked for opinions, and I gave you mine. Take it or leave it.

mylv 04/08/2014

This might not be a popular opinion, but after reading your post isn't possible that he's telling the truth?
You know him best in terms of how much empathy he might feel. It could be that he wants to distance himself from his ex, but doesn't really know how to do it, based on how fragile her emotions might be at this point. He's already stated that she's unstable, and might not want to make it worse.
If you care about this guy and if you see him as a good person then it might be a good idea to sit down with him, ask him what his concerns are, and ask him how he'd like to handle it without making him feel backed against a wall. Just see what he thinks.
He may seem he's procrastinating but it may not be for the reasons people are saying. Whether she was in rehab for alcohol or drugs isn't as important as the fact she went. I applaud her for that, but if he really wanted to know where she was he would have gone and found her long ago, rather than seeing you.
Again, going by your post it seems that he has more in common with you, and might be very happy moving forward with you.

I've found that in life nothing is strictly black and white. Sometimes you have to deal with some grey areas in a new relationship.
I may or may not be right, just my opinion.

deleted_user 04/08/2014

Mel, I see red flags. You've been dating him for 3 months. She's been gone for 3 months. They were together for 2 years................... You fall in love way to easily.

rochelle1466 04/09/2014

its pretty difficult to know all there is to know in the bit of information Mel shared. Its easy to have a great chemistry with someone and feel in love and there is nothing wrong with that. None of us will ever know the other side of the story, because there is always 2 sides. The side of the ex that went into rehab. The issue Mel seemed to ask about was feeling insecure with her things being there. For that she was seeking advice. I guess for me I enjoy that people share here what they are going through. We cannot always be so wonderfully wise and pick out someone who has not had a problem or been involved with people that have issues, heck, where are those people? So sometimes in the world after losing our spouse we follow our hearts. Sometimes our hearts lead us to people that are not finished dealing with issues, have baggage because after all being middle aged or older, we have tons of "baggage" laying around. I am not sure that anyone was being a "hypocrit" rather just giving their opinions. Which is what we tend to do here. But Also I think the biggest thing not judging one another because we are all just trying to understand this world after losing our spouse, and its difficult to navigate through it at times. Good luck with whatever you decide Mel

mel40 04/09/2014

Mylv, it is scary how dead on you are. How can you know this stuff??? You must be very insightful.
I talked to him and you are right. About it all..... Scary.....
He is a very compassionate man. He will take care of it. I didn't corner him, just told him how I felt. Insecure. He was very loving about it.
Thanks so much!
I will watch for your posts to see if you are always this accurate. Lol!

drew4lostluv 04/09/2014

Mel as a friend and as someone that has just had his heart ripped out by someone who wasn't overe there ex. Be careful. I hope you aren't experiencing the same thing.

kynessie 04/09/2014

I have to say I agree with John. I would not accept someone who has a close relationship to an addict into my life. At this point in my life, I have a lot to lose which includes financial security and a lack of chaos. I want a simple, quiet life and there is no room for an addict in my life. Not only is this GF an addict, but what if he is a closet addict and you do not know it yet. I've been around addicts all my life too and I have to admit that I cut them out of my life. My peace of mind is too important to me at this stage of my life.

However, this is just my opinion and choices that I have made. We all are given free will.

Nessie from KY

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