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dezza13 01/20/2011

I fell in love with my crush (a boy so my fear is I am a lesbian) but he went out with my best friend and really hurt her. A rumour went round me and my other best friend were gay and I got really paranoid that others knew something I didn't and I would check myself for 'gay vibes'. The idea would disgust me and then I began to worry I really did want to be a lesbian and all this is just denial. I started avoiding situations where people might mistake me for gay and lots of girls started openly questioning their sexuality at my school. With all the hormones flying round, it was a really daunting and distressing time but I'm still not sure. Like me, you probably go through major phases and then when you don't even think about it. Right now, I'm in-between. I am OCD about all sorts of stuff, especially the world ending and getting sick but vomiting is my worst fear. You have to accept you are having these thoughts in your head and face them which sounds scary but is surprisingly easy. You need to build up immunity to these thoughts and put yourself in situations where you feel vulnerable in order to make you care less next time HOCD starts talking. Try going to the cinema, just with your friend; try writing or reading a gay porn novel; try saying 'shut up, that's stupid to every thought you have and what a lot of people do is, create a series of recordings of you pretending that you are gay and slowly finding out and treat it like a story project. Start with the first chapter and play them out loud until they no longer bother you then add the next chapter and so on. Growing up as a Catholic, it was always put to me that I would grow up with a husband and some kids which is what I want but when OCD struck, it just made me panic more. Before I found out this term existed, I typed into google 'obsessed with being gay' as it was the only way I could describe it. I found the neurotic planet website and it made me weep with relief. I intend to beat this illness and I wish you the best of luck for the future. x

deleted_user 01/20/2011

I completely understand what you are going through! When I was 18 this happened to me. I was dating a guy for 3 years in high school, then we had a bad break up towards the end of my senior year because all of a sudden this thought that I didn't want to be with him anymore or that I didn't love him anymore popped into my head and it wouldn't go away, and then I kept thinking what if I go to college and cheat on him or find someone else that would be bad. But then I got this horrible thought "what if I am gay"? I had the obsessive thought for about a month then I was put on several different meds, and it went away. Then I stopped taking the meds for almost 2 years and I was fine, I used working out obsessively has my medicine. But, this past summer around July, I went to bed feeling great, and woke up all of a sudden with that horrible thought again "what if I am gay?" It ran through my head 24/7 every waking moment, every sleeping moment. I wouldn't watch tv anymore, because of fear, stopped working out because I thought I must be gay if I love working out this much. the thoughts wouldn't leave, I finally told my parents and my mom at first was like even if you were you know we would still love you! and I was like mom I know that, the thought of being scared of what they thought never popped into my head. It was only what if I am gay, or I must be gay, things like that and sometimes it would seem so real in my head, and of course i talked to some of my gay friends for reassurances, and they both told me it was just and obsession and a worry! So i felt better for a few moments, then it all came back! I haven't been in a relationship since my senior year in High school. There is this guy I love being around, I love talking to, and he makes me feel comfortable.

Every time the thought of being in a relationship pops into my head, I back away and say nope, or maybe I really don't like him, I will just be independent and single for the rest of my life, no marriage! Its killing me, I can't even be happy about my future anymore, I wake up feeling like crap! Its horrible, and I am not by any means homophobic, one of my roommates at school is gay, and I don't have a problem with her, but the thing is ever since I have been like this, I feel like every time I turn around straight people are turning gay, its like I am surrounded by gay people. I don't have a problem, thats their life style, but I don't want that to be mine, I want to marry a guy some day, have a kid ya know! but I don't even think about that anymore, I feel like now all I do is just exist.

I am currently on wellbutrin, and xanax and vitamin B and it has helped a lot but not all the way and I still struggle to even wake up every day and be happy, its always easy to fake a smile!.

I already posted this story, but I just seen a therapist a week ago and she said I have OCD so I am hoping i can get better soon!

deleted_user 01/22/2011

Please help me someone. I dont know what to do.. These thoughts came about 6weeks ago and have become really obsessive and all i think about. I have been with my boyfriend for nine months and i love him so much... but about 6 weeks ago, i was watching a dvd with some really pretty girl in and thought wow she is so stunning!! then in my head i thought you're a lesbian then. I dont know why I thought that, i've always seen girls out and about and thought they were pretty but now it seems to bother me a hell of a lot!
So i laughed that feeling off because i was with my boyfriend at the time..then after about a week.....i started to believe i actually was!! things werent going well with my boyfriend not due to my sexual attraction but because of us working opposite hours and never having fun anymore. I cried my eyes out so we went on a break, but then after about 3 days i realised i loved him so much so we got back together and not one homosexial thought came into my head. but then about a week later i was bored one day at home doing nothing then the thoughts came back.. it has become unbearable. i fear going to work because i work with four females even though theyre all like 50 then im telling myself youre a lesbian you want them. and every pretty girl i see i say to myself u have to like her youre a lesbian. its become so disturbing and horrific... i am still with my boyfriend because i love him so much but these thoughts are becoming horrible and repulsive, sometimes i can talk to a girl really well and friendly but then this spike comes in my brain saying youre a lesbian so i avoid talking to anyone and leave.
I just have lost patience and thought maybe i really am gay and should come out but the thought of spending my life with a woman makes me sick, i want to get married have children live in a small cosy house and be a very close family.. now it feels like thats never going to happen. WTF is wrong with me?? i wish that thought had never come into my head, then i'd have been happy enjoying my life, mu friends and my work!!!
the thing is, if i really was gay, surely i'd be happy about it? and want to tell the world and get a girlfriend.. surely i wouldnt obsess over my sexuality so much....... just like i never used to obsess about being straight but it was just something i knew i was and didnt even think about it. thats whats so fucking confusing.
i have lived a really happy life until this repulsive thought came along, all my life ive liked guys.... theres always been a guy in my life if that makes sense since i was about 12. i had my first crush when i was 9 on this boy in primary skl but i never told anyone cause he liked someone else.
i look back, and ive always been really girly apart from when i was age 4-5 i had short hair but i was still girly and i fancied this boy a little bit and asked him to kiss me but he said no.....then onwards i have always been really feminine... now i have this stupid fucking thought thwta wont piss off!!!
I loved my life so much now i hate it because of what this has done to me, I just want it to go away and for me and my bf to be in peace.
i am on no medication or anything ive just been trying to tackle it myself for ages but nothing works... i hate myself... if it carries on this time next year i may aswell kill myself.
i dont have a problem with gay people i know some who are nice but i dont want to be like that!! i dont want to be with a woman or do anything secual it makes me feel sick, i love men and frankly i love cock!! so why wont it bloody go away!!! help someone please???

dezza13 01/22/2011

Wow! Maribella you sound like you are experiencing a really bad period at the minute but please don't do anything silly! I promise you it will get better in time. OCD is an illness and like any illness it can be beaten but it can also go through phases where it becomes desperate. When I read your story I could clearly see the thought of being gay scared you and disgusted you as it does me and you would think just this simple fact would be enough to put our minds at rest but it's not. That is what OCD is all about and it is the way that the little man in your head shouting 'gay!", works in your brain. He manipulates your mind and puts thoughts there that aren't yours and you react like it's a parasite because it's intrusive and you don't want it there. I feel in a period where I have no desire for relationship with either man or woman and I don't want to be with a woman but I could see myself with a woman and that is the OCD works in my head. It is so frustrating and annoying and depressing. We need to live up to these obsessions and get on with life. If you want a chat or just a friend, e-mail me! Good Luck! xx

deleted_user 01/23/2011

Be positive, I know its hard...because I am going through the same thing! Just have to know that they are just thoughts and you don't have to act on them...its easier said than done because I still struggle with this but it has helped me, try to just let the thoughts go, just let them be there don't fight them or try to get them out of your head, because thats what OCD wants you to do it wants you to fight it, so it can keep getting worse. its like a kid annoying you and you getting upset, he will keep annoying you because he knows it gets to you! I hope you work this out, if you need to talk with anyone you can add me as a friend or chat or something.

sorry, i knows its tough but keep your head up!
Pray, God is always with us know that!

God bless you and Good luck

dezza13 01/23/2011

thank-you :)

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