I have been finding out about all these people who have come out that I used to go to high school with and I'm like what, really? I've been feeling like I am surrounded by it and it's like getting closer so it makes me feel more like what if it's real and it feels more ok now. But it's like I dont want to be gay, but do I? Throughout this whole obsession i have gone back in forth with not knowing who i liked to knowing i liked guys but now it's at the point where i'm blah. Like there is no black and white anymore. I had this dream recently that I had a penis and I was masturbating and it felt good. I used to get those kind of dreams and when I was younger i was jealous of boys being able to stand up to pee and having an easier time masturbating cuz it's all out there. I never really thought much about enjoying those dreams or being jealous and wanting to be a boy when i was little but now since that dream i have been even more freaked out. I havent been getting anxious about thoughts and i just havent been feeling the anxiety i used too. So it's like why am i not panicking from the thoughts, what does that mean. And when i think about being with a girl i dont get anxious and i'm like wait do i want to or something. So it's really hard. I just want something to happen that i can be like "Duh ur straight u weirdo". But there is nothing to really prove it, not test no nothing. I have a boyfriend and have had a boyfriend for 1 yr and 5 mths. I am really happy being with him and i get orgasms and stuff when we do stuff but it's like what if that doesnt mean anything. And i also have some ROCD (relationship ocd) stemming off of the HOCD. But it's like what if it isnt hocd. It's like before this switch in this obsession i was panicking from the thoughts, i was avoiding things, thinking everything meant i was gay, i couldnt watch tv shows or look at girls, i had so many compulsions from the anxiety from the thoughts and now it's like wtf i want them back. At least then i knew it meant it was only hocd now it's like i dont even know. But also when i watch movies i feel like i am the character like for real in my head i am them and i feel like i am going to do whatever they do. Like psycho women. I feel like i am them and i want to do what they do. So it's like is that all that is happening, am i just finding out about all these people who have come out and my brain is making me feel like them. I have a hard time seperating myself from other people (my psychologist says it has to do with ocd) but i fear that is not what it is. Ugh, i either want the anxiety back or i want to for real know for SURE!

Oh yea and my dreams have always been about having sex with guys. before this obsession started i had one gay dream. after the obsession started those dreams increased but they stopped about 4 or 5 months ago. They didnt last long. That was when i was super panicking and couldnt stop thinking about the thoughts. not that i have now but it was more intense thinking. I ahve also had straight dreams since this obsession started. So all through my life before this obsession (this sounds funny) but i was just finding random guys to have sex with. I would look for guys any guy in my dream and have sex with them. I was quite the whore in my dreams. The question of being gay had come up before but i knew for sure that i was straight and that i didnt like girls but now my mind feels so messed up especially cuz i dont get the anxiety anymore. i jsut get anxiety from not getting anxiety :P

I guess I still do have compulsions now tho, i still avoid in fear i will feel something and i have to do research online which i was just doing trying to find other people who are experiencing these thoughts without anxiety. And i didnt find one thing someone posted about it which i think i found before so it does help me feel better but it WONT last :/ . I jsut wanna know what's real :/

Thank-you so much for replying. I completely understand your wanting to know if it's OCD or real....at least then i could get on with my life and stop being so unhappy :/

dear mcd girl. i hope your treatment goes well!!! good luck.dont worry about your feelings etc, acept you just have an illness like any other one and you will soon get better! i have just started CBT therapy over here in the UK . I have had this condition for probably since 1982(for periods off and on ) and happy i am doing something about it. You will be fine. Its just a common OCD illness based on a natural common worry it has latched onto and it is altering your cognitive perception on everything related to that fear. (distorted faulty thinking)
If you have not tried before yuo should also be getting CBT treatment for this problem. I believe its the most recommended way to go. It wouldnt matter anyway but im sure (and youknow deep down) you are not what your brain is telling you! thoughts are just thoughts, they dont make you something you are not! i know it is hard but try to just let them come in and go out. Thoughts, even if you enjoy some of them, have absolutely no significance on your sexual orientation!
Relax, you will get better, Have a great weekend

hugs julian

sorry, above message applies to everyone on here, dezza too!

dezza, relax, DONT WORRY. YOUR OCD IS twisting your thoguhts to make you scared!Anyway i have loved friends, that is ok.
IT IS NOT THE SAME AS SEXUAL ATTRACTION (a very evident urge , desire to engage in sexual activity with her)

have nice weekend

julian

Hey yall i dont know if any of you still get on but i am DESPERATE! this is stopping me from living my life! having crushes, evben conversations with ANYBODY!! please help im tired of feeling like im disgusting i want my confidence and life back! its been 3 months now and ive red it can last for years! GOD i cant keep this up much longer its depressing me and i feel no joy in life anymore and im losing all my friends ! Please someone help!? anybodyy ill take anything but im breaking down...
:(

hey lookingforhope, messaage me, i understand completely, i am in similar situation, i'm scared and despearate and sick of feeling like this.....