HIV Support Group
HIV (also known as human immunodeficiency virus, and formerly known as HTLV-III and lymphadenopathy-associated virus) is a retrovirus that primarily infects vital components of the human immune system which can lead the syndrome known as AIDS. Many of the problems faced by people infected with HIV result from failure of the immune system to protect from opportunistic...
Hello!
It is taking me some great deal of "daily strength" to write to you all.
I am a gay man in his 30's who is currently living with a houseguest of mine from Brazil who has been here for nearly a month visiting me.
I need you all to know that I am very aware of HIV and the facts of transmission and stigma that goes along with our society. I feel I have educated myself in these facts over the years. I just now I have a real life situation here that has come into line with me and I am not sure how to deal with it and I am feeling at a loss - and I could use some support here. Some of the areas below might be a bit sexually descriptive so I shall warn you now.
I am having a tough time here. I have gotten to know this man for the past 9 months via Skype and long distance after we had met at pub last summer. We had a once night stand (no high risk activities involved) I have really grown to like him. We have a lot in common and he also makes me feel at ease with his great compassion, gentleness, & overall quiet demeanour. We have had an amazing few weeks together.
We decided to not put a label on our relationship for this process as long distance is already a challenge, so we decided to be smart and "see where it takes us" by developing a friendship on Skype and phone.
We agreed to keep our relationship "open" so to speak and to not discuss details regarding our partners but to keep ourselves and others safe and healthy at all times - long distance can be hard when you are away from someone when you cant see them for those needs. I personally didn't feel much need to do for the most part - I thought of him more so as he as emotionally had me connected with him.
Over the course of the last year he has come to visit me once for a week in Feb this year and we had a great time. We did have more intimacy (with one low risk activity involved - anal sex protected with a condom - he being the penetrative partner) and had a wonderful time overall. I really felt I got to know him better and we skyped over the course of the next 3 months and telephone calls. I felt like we were connecting very well. I remember asking him after he left in a conversation on Skype (reluctantly how I put it) I asked him if he were "clean" and he quickly said "yes" and continued talking about something else. Something in me knew something wasn't right with that answer.
The beginning of May arrives and it is now time for him to come and visit me from Alberta where he was studying for the year (I am in Vancouver Canada) and extended his stay to be with me until the end of May before going back to Brazil to finish off his studies. He has an intention of coming back in a year and a half after it completes to move here, perhaps with me.
The last two weeks have been amazing! We have done so many things together in town and have gotten to know him even better. I have introduced him to my friends & family and they all love him. I did however, catch him in a white lie, but we talked it through and moved on.
During the last two weeks our intimacy has been amazing. Everything we have endured ourselves in was low risk (mainly body contact and oral/mutual masturbation) but I was really wanting him in the way of intercourse and he for the most part, was very reluctant to do so. It wasn't until this past Monday morning when he finally agreed to do so and we had protected anal sex. It didn't last very long and the condom did not break and all was free and clear.
Fast forward to Monday night. We were sitting in bed telling each other how much we like each other and interested to see where the future takes us after he gets back to Brazil. He tells me he wants to as well but is not sure how I will react once he tells me something else about himself. He couldn't even look at me in the face. I ask numerous questions with possibilities until I guess "do you have HIV"? and he reluctantly and sadly answers "yes". At that moment I felt my world just came to a standstill. I immediately hugged him and said it was OK. He said he was infected when he was with his last partner 2 years ago, and that no one else except him, his Doctor, the Canadian Government and me know about it. He also showed me his latest HIV tests showing me his low detection which was great to see. However, what dawned on me afterwards was the fact that we had just had protected anal intercourse (with me as the bottom) as well as the fact that I had asked him if he were "clean" in Feb after our time together, and the fact that we had also had that low risk activity then too. He knew the entire time and still went ahead with those activities.
I know each time if I meet someone and I choose to go through with an activity such as this is to always use a condom and to assume everyone is positive. I took the risk. What is bugging me now is the fact that I feel we have grown to like each other over the past few months and I felt he should have told me in the beginning, at least to give me that say if I wanted to go through or not.
I realize there is a very very low chance I could have contracted it, I checked the condoms both times and no holes etc.
He said he didn't feel like he could trust me to open up and let me know as he wanted to keep this secret & didn't know that most places in North America require one to let his partner know, even if protected. He was dumfounded and felt very upset with this news.
He is very apologetic and at this point is doing everything he can to make it up to me as he felt he protected me & others with just a condom. I said to him "what if it broke"? and he replied with "well it didn't but I see what you mean now". This is what bothers me the most.
He could have potentially put my life at risk.
With that being said, we want to continue seeing each other via Skype after he leaves next week, but it is now day 4 of me knowing this information and I quite frankly don't know how to shake of this feeling of dread and anxiety.
What do I fear? Well, its the news of course. Although I am not new to the knowledge and facts of HIV (transmission etc), I have never been faced with a potential partner who has to deal with this daily.
The fact he didn't tell me before really hurts even though we were protected and his viral load is low. I can't help but feel betrayed by this.
I have talked to him endlessly about this and there is nothing else that I can really do to ease myself but time.
I don't feel he intended to do this purposely to me or else he wouldn't have told me. He told me he has grown to really like me and his feelings are growing stronger so he knew it was time. I just felt his timing sucked and that he should have informed me about himself prior to having protected anal sex. That's just how I feel.
I am typically a very open and transparent kind of person who talks with friends and family about anything that bothers me but in this case I can't with him, its his identity at stake and I refuse to put him at risk of being a social outcast to my friends/family and society as a whole who stigmatizes HIV - its hard enough as it is - and I feel like I need to protect him as he protected me during those two times (although I didn't have the knowledge - I am trying to be strong here).
I am now talking to a trained therapist through my work as part of my employee assistance program who will be working through my feelings, but the next session isn't until next week.
I really want to have an enjoyable last week here with him but I don't know how to shake these feelings of dread. What is in the past is in the past and I really like him, but I just need some advise as to how to cope. Is this a normal feeling? Shall I just allow myself to feel the feelings and just carry on? How long does it take? What are other people's experiences? He is all happy and fine now as he has this off his chest, but now I am struggling with this news and I am not sure how to handle it. It is affecting my daily life with stomach churns and back concentration in daily activities. I want to be happy again but I know this is big news and like anything in life, things take time. The reality is he leaves for Brazil next week and I want to have a good time & see where it goes.
I know this is long, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Hazel79
It is taking me some great deal of "daily strength" to write to you all.
I am a gay man in his 30's who is currently living with a houseguest of mine from Brazil who has been here for nearly a month visiting me.
I need you all to know that I am very aware of HIV and the facts of transmission and stigma that goes along with our society. I feel I have educated myself in these facts over the years. I just now I have a real life situation here that has come into line with me and I am not sure how to deal with it and I am feeling at a loss - and I could use some support here. Some of the areas below might be a bit sexually descriptive so I shall warn you now.
I am having a tough time here. I have gotten to know this man for the past 9 months via Skype and long distance after we had met at pub last summer. We had a once night stand (no high risk activities involved) I have really grown to like him. We have a lot in common and he also makes me feel at ease with his great compassion, gentleness, & overall quiet demeanour. We have had an amazing few weeks together.
We decided to not put a label on our relationship for this process as long distance is already a challenge, so we decided to be smart and "see where it takes us" by developing a friendship on Skype and phone.
We agreed to keep our relationship "open" so to speak and to not discuss details regarding our partners but to keep ourselves and others safe and healthy at all times - long distance can be hard when you are away from someone when you cant see them for those needs. I personally didn't feel much need to do for the most part - I thought of him more so as he as emotionally had me connected with him.
Over the course of the last year he has come to visit me once for a week in Feb this year and we had a great time. We did have more intimacy (with one low risk activity involved - anal sex protected with a condom - he being the penetrative partner) and had a wonderful time overall. I really felt I got to know him better and we skyped over the course of the next 3 months and telephone calls. I felt like we were connecting very well. I remember asking him after he left in a conversation on Skype (reluctantly how I put it) I asked him if he were "clean" and he quickly said "yes" and continued talking about something else. Something in me knew something wasn't right with that answer.
The beginning of May arrives and it is now time for him to come and visit me from Alberta where he was studying for the year (I am in Vancouver Canada) and extended his stay to be with me until the end of May before going back to Brazil to finish off his studies. He has an intention of coming back in a year and a half after it completes to move here, perhaps with me.
The last two weeks have been amazing! We have done so many things together in town and have gotten to know him even better. I have introduced him to my friends & family and they all love him. I did however, catch him in a white lie, but we talked it through and moved on.
During the last two weeks our intimacy has been amazing. Everything we have endured ourselves in was low risk (mainly body contact and oral/mutual masturbation) but I was really wanting him in the way of intercourse and he for the most part, was very reluctant to do so. It wasn't until this past Monday morning when he finally agreed to do so and we had protected anal sex. It didn't last very long and the condom did not break and all was free and clear.
Fast forward to Monday night. We were sitting in bed telling each other how much we like each other and interested to see where the future takes us after he gets back to Brazil. He tells me he wants to as well but is not sure how I will react once he tells me something else about himself. He couldn't even look at me in the face. I ask numerous questions with possibilities until I guess "do you have HIV"? and he reluctantly and sadly answers "yes". At that moment I felt my world just came to a standstill. I immediately hugged him and said it was OK. He said he was infected when he was with his last partner 2 years ago, and that no one else except him, his Doctor, the Canadian Government and me know about it. He also showed me his latest HIV tests showing me his low detection which was great to see. However, what dawned on me afterwards was the fact that we had just had protected anal intercourse (with me as the bottom) as well as the fact that I had asked him if he were "clean" in Feb after our time together, and the fact that we had also had that low risk activity then too. He knew the entire time and still went ahead with those activities.
I know each time if I meet someone and I choose to go through with an activity such as this is to always use a condom and to assume everyone is positive. I took the risk. What is bugging me now is the fact that I feel we have grown to like each other over the past few months and I felt he should have told me in the beginning, at least to give me that say if I wanted to go through or not.
I realize there is a very very low chance I could have contracted it, I checked the condoms both times and no holes etc.
He said he didn't feel like he could trust me to open up and let me know as he wanted to keep this secret & didn't know that most places in North America require one to let his partner know, even if protected. He was dumfounded and felt very upset with this news.
He is very apologetic and at this point is doing everything he can to make it up to me as he felt he protected me & others with just a condom. I said to him "what if it broke"? and he replied with "well it didn't but I see what you mean now". This is what bothers me the most.
He could have potentially put my life at risk.
With that being said, we want to continue seeing each other via Skype after he leaves next week, but it is now day 4 of me knowing this information and I quite frankly don't know how to shake of this feeling of dread and anxiety.
What do I fear? Well, its the news of course. Although I am not new to the knowledge and facts of HIV (transmission etc), I have never been faced with a potential partner who has to deal with this daily.
The fact he didn't tell me before really hurts even though we were protected and his viral load is low. I can't help but feel betrayed by this.
I have talked to him endlessly about this and there is nothing else that I can really do to ease myself but time.
I don't feel he intended to do this purposely to me or else he wouldn't have told me. He told me he has grown to really like me and his feelings are growing stronger so he knew it was time. I just felt his timing sucked and that he should have informed me about himself prior to having protected anal sex. That's just how I feel.
I am typically a very open and transparent kind of person who talks with friends and family about anything that bothers me but in this case I can't with him, its his identity at stake and I refuse to put him at risk of being a social outcast to my friends/family and society as a whole who stigmatizes HIV - its hard enough as it is - and I feel like I need to protect him as he protected me during those two times (although I didn't have the knowledge - I am trying to be strong here).
I am now talking to a trained therapist through my work as part of my employee assistance program who will be working through my feelings, but the next session isn't until next week.
I really want to have an enjoyable last week here with him but I don't know how to shake these feelings of dread. What is in the past is in the past and I really like him, but I just need some advise as to how to cope. Is this a normal feeling? Shall I just allow myself to feel the feelings and just carry on? How long does it take? What are other people's experiences? He is all happy and fine now as he has this off his chest, but now I am struggling with this news and I am not sure how to handle it. It is affecting my daily life with stomach churns and back concentration in daily activities. I want to be happy again but I know this is big news and like anything in life, things take time. The reality is he leaves for Brazil next week and I want to have a good time & see where it goes.
I know this is long, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much,
Hazel79
Let me start w/ what I've learned about across the pond & HIV Strains. They are different than the States. I would assume both strains are across the World, but acquiring both strains isn't a good place to be. There's a new strain as well recently brought to our attention as the 3rd. I'm mentioning all strains to warn you of the importance of protection. Many people are rationalizing the Undetected Viral Load as a pass for skipping protection. Might as well play Russian Roulette!! It's not suggested. Ok, now I feel better that I've made that clear for you
Coping is for someone that has it, or is affected by someone that has it. So I understand your feelings very well Hazel79!! There are many poz/neg relationships. I was in one myself until I lost her to Cancer. It's very manageable w/ in the guidelines that the both of you should establish for each other. If either of you have a drinking or drug habit, these guide lines can be compromised w/ the usual end result if you don't stick to the plan. Although, him not sharing is a questionable act of whatever you make of it. It's like this greeneyes, when we have it, if we share it to soon w/ someone, the foundation can never be established. Contact that is risky should have already been shared w/ you. "Also" one can't learn about someone they're attracted to if you sabotage it before it begins, capisce? Just don't tell someone after the fact?
So yes, you can stay negative if your vigilant. Compassion to his situation will strengthen his love for you. Sometimes we have bad days, be gentle. AND ALWAYS BE PROTECTED.
Hope this helps, Mark xx