Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
I was diagnosed as an HSP in October 2011 by a therapist I went to after being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My mom took me to a doctor, and she made an appointment with a therapist. I asked her to go to the therapist with me as well as to attend the session. The therapist noticed that I showed many traits of an HSP. My mom researched the Internet for books to read. She bought me the book, The Highly Sensitive Person.
I read that book as well as several Internet articles.
I married a man who understands what it is like for me to be an HSP, and he supports me as much as he can.
Recently my mom made some rules for her place. Here they are.
Everyone is to be treated as an adult
Respect and consideration for each other is mandatory
Please, thank you, may I, and would you mind are still magic words just like when you were little and learning good manners
Park any negativity at the door!!!!!!!!
Use your indoor voice, no screaming and hollering at anyone
Temper tantrums and pouting are unacceptable
Make apologies when necessary, but always remember that actions speak louder than words. Empty apologies are worthless.
Pick up your own trash and put it in the waste basket
Rinse your dirty dishes and load them in the dishwasher when appropriate
If these rules are too tough to follow, perhaps you may need to find another mother figure.
If you have any questions regarding these rules, please feel free to ask me for clarification.
Family, friends, people are too special to be treated unkindly
I have been dealing with allergies that make me very tired. My husband and I were invited by my Mom to spend Thanksgiving with her. She invited other people to spend Thanksgiving with her as well. When my husband and I arrived at my mom's place, I explained to her that my allergies are acting up, and because of that, I am tired. While all of us were visiting, my mom made the comment.... wake up, do not fall asleep. Since I was tired, I did not know if she was serious or if she was joking. So I asked her. She said she was joking.
After all of us had dinner, I went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, I made the decision to let everyone know that since I am tired, I am not receptive to deciphering a funny comment versus a serious comment. The first words out of my mom's mouth were "Oh, stop being so dramatic." That threw me for a loop, I got upset, and I got angry. I let my mom know that I was just making a statement about the fact that when I am tired, I am not that receptive and that I do not know how that is dramatic. She then said "I am tired" and "the world does not revolve around you." I continued feeling upset and angry. Eventually I and my husband left.
At this point I do not know what to do concerning my mother, her attitudes and her rules.
I read that book as well as several Internet articles.
I married a man who understands what it is like for me to be an HSP, and he supports me as much as he can.
Recently my mom made some rules for her place. Here they are.
Everyone is to be treated as an adult
Respect and consideration for each other is mandatory
Please, thank you, may I, and would you mind are still magic words just like when you were little and learning good manners
Park any negativity at the door!!!!!!!!
Use your indoor voice, no screaming and hollering at anyone
Temper tantrums and pouting are unacceptable
Make apologies when necessary, but always remember that actions speak louder than words. Empty apologies are worthless.
Pick up your own trash and put it in the waste basket
Rinse your dirty dishes and load them in the dishwasher when appropriate
If these rules are too tough to follow, perhaps you may need to find another mother figure.
If you have any questions regarding these rules, please feel free to ask me for clarification.
Family, friends, people are too special to be treated unkindly
I have been dealing with allergies that make me very tired. My husband and I were invited by my Mom to spend Thanksgiving with her. She invited other people to spend Thanksgiving with her as well. When my husband and I arrived at my mom's place, I explained to her that my allergies are acting up, and because of that, I am tired. While all of us were visiting, my mom made the comment.... wake up, do not fall asleep. Since I was tired, I did not know if she was serious or if she was joking. So I asked her. She said she was joking.
After all of us had dinner, I went to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, I made the decision to let everyone know that since I am tired, I am not receptive to deciphering a funny comment versus a serious comment. The first words out of my mom's mouth were "Oh, stop being so dramatic." That threw me for a loop, I got upset, and I got angry. I let my mom know that I was just making a statement about the fact that when I am tired, I am not that receptive and that I do not know how that is dramatic. She then said "I am tired" and "the world does not revolve around you." I continued feeling upset and angry. Eventually I and my husband left.
At this point I do not know what to do concerning my mother, her attitudes and her rules.
I am 66 & a mother. So this is just from my perspective. We all know how tricky family gatherings can be. The holidays are especially difficult & stressful. This makes highly sensitive people even more sensitive than usual & allergies & exhaustion leave us more vulnerable. I do understand how you feel. I remember when I was young, my parents & my in-laws often upset me by their words or by their behavior. It's almost expected that someone is going to say something wrong. I also know that when we are hurt … the last thing we want to hear is "Oh, stop being so dramatic". Even though I am a 66 … my mother is almost 90 & she still says the wrong thing sometimes & then I feel like I am 9 years old again. The thing is that at this point in time we can laugh about it. From another perspective, when I am having a conversation with my adult daughters, I can still blow it. I think of myself as patient & kind & understanding & wise … I am still surprised at the stupid words that come out of my mouth sometimes. The bottom line is that relationships are not easy. Communication is not easy. Things get said & feelings get hurt.
I can't tell you what to do concerning your mother & her attitudes & her rules. I suppose I could point out that we all have "emotional mind" & "wise mind" but that is easier said than done. There are a lot of very kind people in our group who also have a lot of wisdom. I hope someone can say something that can be of help to you.
I do know that all of us deserve to be heard & respected. Our pain is our pain … if we feel it we probably have a good reason to feel it. Your feelings are important.
WoW ... that is a long list of directives from a person that is TELLING EVERY ONE TO TREAT ONE ANOTHER LIKE ADULTS. Moms list is that of a MOM TALKING OR TELLING CHILDREN WHAT TO DO ... NOT ADULTS. I capitalized all that on purpose. It is the essence of the issue in my eyes. On top of that her list is pretty damned dramatic.
It would have been really cool if every read the list one by one and look at her and then walked right back out the door ... heading for some restaurant to meet up else where.
Basically what seems primary here is MOMs control tactics and then you as her child (object to control) then criticized for not fitting into the block she wants to put all her objects into. If this doesn't make sense I will be glad to rewrite differently.
Thing is my mother is the same. It is for this very reason that today I no longer even speak to my mother. I just stopped. Not saying to do this but really ... if I walked into a space with rules listed or recited I would walk right out the door again.
Even more to the point your mother (like my own mom) is there to tell you the world dosn't revolve around you ... as if you were making a statement on that kind of platform. I used to get that line as well as the drama line. What is really happening ... after I have done years / a few decades figuring it out is that mom is the center of the world and she projects that on to YOU which is an insult and attack.
What I have learned about a parent like that is I NEED NOT EXPLAIN MY STATE OF BEING. I do not have to look for an excuse for being who I am and having an experience that is outside of MOM BOX.
I could write plenty of paragraphs on this. I hope I am giving you a few key points to this kind of personality.
A parent like this is not healthy and the out come for the child (me or you) is complete confusion on personal rights. No person nor parent really has a right to be telling other what kind of experiences they are allowed to have or express. Doing so is considered ABUSIVE! Sorry to have to write this out but possibly it will give you a good pointer towards what has to happen to grow out and beyond the limitations of the parent.
PEACE
Your mom's rules seem kind of rude. I don't want to speak ill of anyone, but it's not like your 10 years old. I was born very late in my parents life, and I remember comments made to them. They ranged from comments on swim suits, clothes, movies my sister took me to, make-up, hair, weight etc. It hurt me to the core, I hated my body and would have totally withdrew if my parents didn't help me. My parents were proud of everything I accomplished.
My mom and dad had rules: can't date or drive until 18, have to work summers and vacations, no working on school days, don't leave the home without make-up, pretty much it. They lived through the depression, WWII, my brother in Vietnam, my sister in the disco craze, so by the time I came around, they lived through it all.
I hope your mother realized what a wonderful adult you are.
Well it seems your mom broke her own rule of "having respect and consideration for others". Because she didn't offer you any. And treat as adults? She's not doing that herself either. Making "rules" like it's high school.
I would be upset too.
In fact my mother has said things similar to me in the past and so I know how hurtful it can be.
When you don't feel good and you are tired. The last thing you want is someone telling you not to be "selfish" or "dramatic". And "the whole world doesn't revolve around you"
That's so insensitive. And makes one feel almost guilty for feeling unwell.
I think your mom was annoyed for some reason that you are unwell/tired with allergies.
Maybe she's not good with others being sick and lacks patience and understanding in that regard.
I know when I was young living at home my mother had low tolerance with me being sick. She would moan and groan about it. It was an inconvenience for her.
More often or not at social functions and family gatherings with lots of people there is almost always someone who has a headache or feeling under the weather and most people are understanding and are not expecting them to be the life of the party. I know I certainly wouldn't be expecting them to be positive and "happy"
In fact I've been in that situation and I'm offering the person what I can do to help and accommodate them.
I've been married to my husband for 23 years. He has had allergies and sinus problems on and off throughout the years. I still offer him empathy and I hope he feels better soon and I don't expect him to be "on the ball". When he's so tired.
So when you told your mother that you are tired with allergies, did she offer Any empathy? Asked if you needed anything? If she could help? Or said it's ok if you are tired and she understands?
Allergies suck! They can drag you down and wipe someone out. My husband and my son and even my self at times deal with them and you are right you are tired and maybe on medication too and you really can't focus too well on what is what.
So are these rules of your mom's written down somewhere? Or did she verbally inform everyone as they arrived at her house.
How did she Present everyone with a set of rules? And how old is everyone attending?
I was not even taking allergy medication, and I was very tired.
The energy or mood at her place on Thanksgiving was negative and not relaxing.
I think most of us here can relate.
I know for me that yes I'm the one who is either too hot or too cold, the music is too loud or not loud enough,
The lights are too bright, too much noise, too many people, too strong smells... Yep.
Definitely the odd one out. When I was with my family growing up I was being "fussy" "trying to be different".
"Awkward"
I don't tell people about being HSP, I think it's a bit "out there" For many people to comprehend.
And I do not tell people about the chronic pain I'm in or my health issues to others because I know how it goes, they'll say something ridiculous or try and "one up" me and they just have no clue and it IS a waste of energy to try and "educate" someone. I've been there done that and so I just keep quiet about it
I think if it's someone's mom you would still hope there would be some support but I know most people don't think the same way and not all moms are the ideal mother that's for sure. I don't tell my mom much anymore. It's exasperating. Lol
I think we do have to take care of ourselves and ought not have to suffer to appease others.
I try and compromise when it comes to social things that's when I actually go anywhere.
I'll show my face, do the usual pleasantries and tolerate things like you said and then leave after a couple of hours with great relief and retreat to my home.
Spunky
Yeah I can imagine it wasn't a fun atmosphere with the rules hanging over your heads.
And you all being adults too. Over the age of 30!
It's a rather strange thing to do really.
I think if it is that bad of an atmosphere around your mom'a then why subject yourself to that?
For any other upcoming holiday thing your mom does.
I would decline the invite.
You aren't obliged to go just because it is your mother.
A guy who lives at the same apartment complex she lives at. He is 30 years old. Mom has adopted him as the son she never had. He helps her with anything she needs help with... running errands for her, helping her with projects around her place, and so on.
He also makes dinner for her and so on.
She took care of him when he had to go to the ER for medical reasons.
What do you plan on doing in the future given your mothers behavior pattern? Do you see a change for yourself in terms how you relate to mother figure in your life?
The person with the idea of house rules is not so very important as the person who wanted asked for the list and then issued the list. Any one can write a set of rules.
Considering all family members are well enough into adulthood ... it stands that no one has to abide by the rules but actually hand back a set of rules as well. That is the change up no matter whose house you are eating at. I don't apply to a club or church or family with out my own boundaries in tact. I do not walk into a super market with out my human rights nor my mother house. I would not expect that a visitor to my house would drop their personal life and challenges to meet my needs. That right there is arrogant, entitled and in simple terms BULL****. Been there and it is definitely something to grow out of and an opportunity to advance in wisdom.
Everyone is to be treated as an adult
Respect and consideration for each other is mandatory
Please, thank you, may I, and would you mind are still magic words just like when you were little and learning good manners
Park any negativity at the door!!!!!!!!
Use your indoor voice, no screaming and hollering at anyone
Temper tantrums and pouting are unacceptable
Make apologies when necessary, but always remember that actions speak louder than words. Empty apologies are worthless.
Pick up your own trash and put it in the waste basket
Rinse your dirty dishes and load them in the dishwasher when appropriate
This is just a guess, but I have a feeling Spunkycat's Mom may have waited too long to hand out her house rules. It may be a new precedent for everyone, but they are her rules. Is she not in a free country to set up her own rules and boundaries? What about her human rights? I don't see what's so terrible here. A mother trying to maintain a peaceful and harmonious environment? Either accept the rules or don't visit. What other choice is there? Is there a third choice? If the above rules which sound more than reasonable were already being observed, even just for the most part, then handing them out is, indeed, insane.
"My mom took me to a doctor, and she made an appointment with a therapist....The therapist noticed that I showed many traits of an HSP. My mom researched the Internet for books to read. She bought me the book, The Highly Sensitive Person."
This sounds like the act of a very caring, hands-on" mother. Does anyone else notice this? She also went to the doctor with you, when you asked her to. You two sound like you have a close relationship. I don't understand why her rules are so upsetting to you - and others here.