Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
I think I often loose track of my emotions and what I really feel, especially when it concerns anger. I have trouble letting myself feel and express this. Also, I think that, in certain situations, I can empathize with what the other person feels and that empathy overrides what I am also feeling, even when what I feel contrasts to what the other person feels. For example if I feel sad or disappointed in someone, I also think that maybe they had a reason to behave the way they did due to how they might be feeling and then I loose track of my own emotions and don't stand up for myself the way I should.
This past week, I was in the hospital with premature contractions due to dehydration. I was put on 3 IV bags of fluid. I would have preferred it if my boyfriend would have stayed the night with me. I had never spent the night in a hospital before. Instead, my mom spent the night with me because he was afraid to come. He has always been afraid of hospitals. I admit, I did stand up for myself a bit. I told him that a ":real man" would be able to overcome his fear of the hospital and have enough courage to stay with me. He admitted that maybe he is not a "real man." Then, I let it go at that.
Yesterday, my brother had a serious conversation with me. He told me that the entire family is angry with my boyfriend for not spending the night in the hospital with me and for other things related to my pregnancy and well-being. Other things include letting me take the train home late at night from work after just having come out of the hospital a few days ago and talking about going to California on his own in August in order to continue plans to develop our new home (while our baby is around 2 months old).
My bf is from another culture, in Eastern Europe, where I was told that men still don't necessarily accompany their significant others to the hospital for labor and delivery. This was told to me by two Eastern European women (best friend and co-worker). But I don't want to make excuses for him either.
I worry that I have lost track of my own emotions and that I need my brother to model anger for me in order to get back in touch with my anger. I worry that I am codependent and that I stay with him because I don't want to be alone. There is a lot more about him that is not perfect. But there is a lot of good too and I love him. No one is perfect, right? But then when I see all these women with their men accompanying them to birth prep classes, etc., I feel jealous.
My brother says that if my bf is not in the hospital when I deliver, the family will disown him. Part of me is really angry with my family too for not giving me the space to make my own decisions. I think they treat me like a baby (even though I am the oldest). They give me the idea that I am too weak to make it on my own. My mom, on the other hand, has more confidence in me.
This past week, I was in the hospital with premature contractions due to dehydration. I was put on 3 IV bags of fluid. I would have preferred it if my boyfriend would have stayed the night with me. I had never spent the night in a hospital before. Instead, my mom spent the night with me because he was afraid to come. He has always been afraid of hospitals. I admit, I did stand up for myself a bit. I told him that a ":real man" would be able to overcome his fear of the hospital and have enough courage to stay with me. He admitted that maybe he is not a "real man." Then, I let it go at that.
Yesterday, my brother had a serious conversation with me. He told me that the entire family is angry with my boyfriend for not spending the night in the hospital with me and for other things related to my pregnancy and well-being. Other things include letting me take the train home late at night from work after just having come out of the hospital a few days ago and talking about going to California on his own in August in order to continue plans to develop our new home (while our baby is around 2 months old).
My bf is from another culture, in Eastern Europe, where I was told that men still don't necessarily accompany their significant others to the hospital for labor and delivery. This was told to me by two Eastern European women (best friend and co-worker). But I don't want to make excuses for him either.
I worry that I have lost track of my own emotions and that I need my brother to model anger for me in order to get back in touch with my anger. I worry that I am codependent and that I stay with him because I don't want to be alone. There is a lot more about him that is not perfect. But there is a lot of good too and I love him. No one is perfect, right? But then when I see all these women with their men accompanying them to birth prep classes, etc., I feel jealous.
My brother says that if my bf is not in the hospital when I deliver, the family will disown him. Part of me is really angry with my family too for not giving me the space to make my own decisions. I think they treat me like a baby (even though I am the oldest). They give me the idea that I am too weak to make it on my own. My mom, on the other hand, has more confidence in me.
I speak from experience on this: If you want your boyfriend to be in the hospital when you give birth, let him know it's important to you and if it's a deal breaker for you, let him know that too. Then, the ball is in his court. If he uses his culture as a reason why he shouldn't have to be, then he has basically told you that his needs are more important to him than yours. Don't expect that to change when a baby comes along. Many men who are insecure and immature feel jealous and neglected when the baby is born and takes all of their wife's/girlfriend's time and energy.
It sounds like your family is used to protecting you, which can be nice (I know from experience) but it can be suffocating too. Sometimes you need space to realize what it is you really want and not what everyone else wants for you.
What I struggle with the most, since I am married to a man that is a US citizen born from Asian immigrants is this: why is it in this day and age must our cultures cause these clashes when we should be focusing on what brought us together in the first place? I am so tired of the culture conversation...my kids are biracial and I don't want them to pick sides....I just want them to be human. And I want them to be good to each other and to other people. It's as simple as that.
I feel for you. Your boyfriend is about to be a Dad. It's time to put on the big boy panties and behave like one. It should have nothing to do with culture at this point. It's 2015 and kids need 2 good examples of parents in their lives.
I can relate to the first part of your post, feelings of other people are always taking over my own feelings !
That's why I am not happy when I do something, but once i am alone, i become very happy suddenly !
that's something other people cannot understand...
That's also the reason why it is very difficult to read his own feelings.
Your description of the situation and your full analyse is smart and correct to my opinion.
I just see two other things:
- You love someone for who he is, you should not try to change people.
Everyone works his own way, and it is hard enough
- On the other hand, i think that when you love someone, you will change your behaviour to make him/her happy.
That's why I think maybe you should tell him clearly and directly what is really important to you !
Do not ask him to change, he should change on his own.
Why asking him to do something he will not be happy with ?
However, if he tries on his own he could like it and not be forced to do it, and you would know he does it for you and not because you forced his hand.
I will just finish with the way you talked to him: I think it is not very respectfull, but I also have a tendancy to speak with crude words.
But when people know you and understand you, they understand the real meaning of what you say.
Thank you, everyone for your replies. They were insightful.
I guess culture as an excuse is really just that--an excuse. At the same time, I understand there are certain things he doesn't like and tries to avoid and for the most part, I am sensitive to these an respectful of his feelings.