Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
Hello all :) Long time DS'er, first time HSP!
I've been in one of those thoughtful moods for the past few weeks.. A little history: my wife of 12 years surprised me with a divorce this past December/January.. Worked through a lot of that stuff pretty quickly (mostly here :). Just broke off a 5 month long distance relationship a month ago.
Now I'm having this kind of "mid-life crisis", even though I'm not all that hip with the term. I broke off the relationship because I started to realize that it wasn't what I really wanted. I started to realize that I was just going along with the motions because that's what "everybody" told me I needed to do. Don't get me wrong, the relationship was good.. we had our differences but we enjoyed each others' company, there was genuine love. But I was starting to feel smothered, and feeling like she was clingy and insecure.. I think that's what started the introspection.
So at first I feel like I don't even want a relationship. They're not worth the effort or compromise, I feel like there's just too much wrong with me to make one work. So I start my usual research, trying to figure out what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. And I discover the MBTI. For the first time, someone tells me it's okay to be introverted! To be honest, I had to learn what introverted meant, but it was a real eye opener. All these descriptions that fit me so well, and they weren't describing some disorder, but a personality type. I really figured out that not only did I not know myself very well, but that I needed to become more okay with myself. I'm tired of being the chameleon, altering myself to suite whomever I'm around. I need to be myself!
During my reflection, I come to one facet that I hadn't given a whole lot of thought. During arguments, my ex wife would accuse me of being too sensitive. I felt kinda hurt that she would say that, but I kinda knew it to be true. And during this last relationship, I did a lot of the same things I did in my marriage: over-thought and analyzed things in my head, over and over, to the point where I saw things that really weren't there. Or so I thought...
Enter google, sensitivity in relationships, oooh, what's this? hsp?.. hmm. another eye opener :) And on DS? Perfect!
So here's my question: is what I described also a trait of HSP's? Do you find yourself coming up with explanations for things based on your perceptions and internal analysis, only to be told that you're completely wrong, and that you're seeing or feeling things that aren't really there? For me it's others' expectations and disappointments. I'm really sensitive to those, to the point where I feel very guilty and withdrawn when I fear I'm letting someone down (emotionally). But when I bring it up, I'm usually told there were no expectations or disappointments. Am I really seeing emotions or behaviors in others that aren't really there?
How do you not trust your intuition and perception when it feels so right to you??
I've been in one of those thoughtful moods for the past few weeks.. A little history: my wife of 12 years surprised me with a divorce this past December/January.. Worked through a lot of that stuff pretty quickly (mostly here :). Just broke off a 5 month long distance relationship a month ago.
Now I'm having this kind of "mid-life crisis", even though I'm not all that hip with the term. I broke off the relationship because I started to realize that it wasn't what I really wanted. I started to realize that I was just going along with the motions because that's what "everybody" told me I needed to do. Don't get me wrong, the relationship was good.. we had our differences but we enjoyed each others' company, there was genuine love. But I was starting to feel smothered, and feeling like she was clingy and insecure.. I think that's what started the introspection.
So at first I feel like I don't even want a relationship. They're not worth the effort or compromise, I feel like there's just too much wrong with me to make one work. So I start my usual research, trying to figure out what kind of relationship I would be comfortable with. And I discover the MBTI. For the first time, someone tells me it's okay to be introverted! To be honest, I had to learn what introverted meant, but it was a real eye opener. All these descriptions that fit me so well, and they weren't describing some disorder, but a personality type. I really figured out that not only did I not know myself very well, but that I needed to become more okay with myself. I'm tired of being the chameleon, altering myself to suite whomever I'm around. I need to be myself!
During my reflection, I come to one facet that I hadn't given a whole lot of thought. During arguments, my ex wife would accuse me of being too sensitive. I felt kinda hurt that she would say that, but I kinda knew it to be true. And during this last relationship, I did a lot of the same things I did in my marriage: over-thought and analyzed things in my head, over and over, to the point where I saw things that really weren't there. Or so I thought...
Enter google, sensitivity in relationships, oooh, what's this? hsp?.. hmm. another eye opener :) And on DS? Perfect!
So here's my question: is what I described also a trait of HSP's? Do you find yourself coming up with explanations for things based on your perceptions and internal analysis, only to be told that you're completely wrong, and that you're seeing or feeling things that aren't really there? For me it's others' expectations and disappointments. I'm really sensitive to those, to the point where I feel very guilty and withdrawn when I fear I'm letting someone down (emotionally). But when I bring it up, I'm usually told there were no expectations or disappointments. Am I really seeing emotions or behaviors in others that aren't really there?
How do you not trust your intuition and perception when it feels so right to you??
This is the worst feeling in the world to me. I can't remember all the particulars of each time - it was a lot, but remember this episode in my last relationship where I was terribly hurt because I did something for him that I felt was expected of me and he was outrageously mad that I did so...because in the first place, I shouldn't have and in the second he sure as hell didn't ask me to! If I remember correctly, I borrowed money from my dad to pay him back. To me, I had told him I would, I didn't have it yet (my paycheck was a couple days late), so it made sense just to get the money from my dad, give it to him, and in a couple of days when I got my check, give the money back to my dad.
The real irony of this situation is that he made me feel completely terrible for doing what I felt was right. Okay, we were a couple and he didn't "expect" anything and he certainly hadn't asked for his money back! When the truth is, he had close to $10,000 in a bank account that I knew nothing about at the time. Of course he felt bad that I borrowed money from my dad to pay him back $100!!!
I have always gone with my intuition, with what I feel...and personally, I don't think I've ever been wrong (as to what I felt was right) - but - many times I've been either blinded too much by my own feelings OR screwed over by a total jerk was just selfishly just using my goodness.
There have been times that I have been so much wanting to be all that for someone else that I really was doing more than they expected or asked of me. This is not always bad, but can be a sign of "looking for love" to fill you up because you aren't really okay with yourself yet. This can really be a relationship problem because....let's say I spend 10 hours making you this gourmet meal because I know you love food, a good meal, expect a good meal when you get off work etc...etc...and then you come in late, tired and not really hungry. I feel hurt that you didn't think my meal as special as it was and you are resentful that I'm upset because you just expect some kind of food in the refrigerator and certainly didn't ask for an elaborate meal...geez!!! This is NOT a good dynamic.
On the other hand - from my previous example - this guy was just a JERK. Obviously, if I say I'm going to pay you back so much on such and such date, I am going to. Yes, we are a couple and if I absolutely had no way of paying you back, I would just say...I'm sooo sorry, I just don't have it. But, my parents didn't mind, I didn't mind...and the only reason it was a problem was HIS guilt. And yes, weeks later when I accidentally discovered his uknown bank balance...didn't I feel the fool!! No wonder he was so mad I borrowed money from my dad!
At any rate, I'm getting way off on a tangent...the fact is...I am a giver. It pleases me to help others, to touch others, to see them smile, to make them happy and really to be all that! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Except, when I overstep my own self and boundries or when I let someone else do so.
As far as expectations...maybe in relationships, we don't talk about this enough in the beginning. What DO you expect? And be specific and detailed!! To me, I see it as an expectation to sometimes spend 10 hours making a special meal for the one I love! He may just see that as stupid. I see it as expected to pay back what I owe. Myabe he sees that as stupid. Knowing these types of things can make a relationship go more smoothly. However...the truth of the matter is...
I lived with a cousin once and she was very different than me, but when she came home and I had spent a lot of effort on a meal - no matter how tired or not hungry she was, she thanked me and ate what she could or apologized for her tiredness and promised to eat more when she felt like it. No matter what I owed her or she owed me, she thanked me for my loan or my payment and gave the same in return. In fact, if I was acting like a bitch, she said, you know...I love you, but you're acting like a bitch...and I did the same with her. To me, this was love, a real relationship. Not always perfect, but honest and respectful always.
In the end, I think, it is not my feelings, my intuition, my perceptions that are that far off (at least most of the time) but mostly my blindness to the other side...that sometimes, I have found myself fighting for something that isn't real...that isn't honest and respectful.