Also, more recently, my H was invited to a birthday party of a close friend who is like a younger brother to him. Since my H and I have been together, I was able to read his friend's feelings of jealousy and anger toward me for moving in on his friend. I told my H what I felt was happening and he dismissed my feelings entirely. The thing is, I read people and 98% of the time, I am right. Anyway, in regards to this party, my H was invited without me. When he inquired as to whether I could come along, he was told "no", due to financial constraints. Obviously, this hurt me a great deal and I saw through the excuse, but my H did not... He had planned on going without me but ended up not being able due to an important work meeting. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit alone lately...and feel that assertiveness would serve me well in future conflicts.

Yes, very much so in my early life. I am doing a lot better now, but it took practice. Lacking assertiveness led to a lot of pain in relationships, especially the romantic type. I was too afraid that if I said something, they would leave me. Now that I feel more confident that my partner loves me, I am not as afraid to assert myself, but man does he test my boundaries! I am getting a ton of practice with him!

You ask how I overcame the fear and I think it was through anger. Forever, I did not allow myself to feel anger and be in touch with what I really wanted. I was always trying to please the other person for fear that they would leave me if I said something they didn't like. Through trial and error and suffering, I realized that I was at least just as important as my partner and I could not be a good partner if I was not in touch with my own needs and wants. After getting dumped even after anticipating what the other person wanted and not stating my own needs, I started to get angry and determined to become assertive. My first boyfriend told me that I was too passive. While he may have been right to an extent, I think he also did not appreciate my sensitivity and instead saw it as a weakness. I have learned to become more assertive, but I have also learned that my sensitivity and gentleness are nothing to be ashamed of!

"Well I wonder
What it would have
been like
If only
I had spoken my mind

Perhaps you would have
left me sooner
But silence was
the price I paid
So that you would stay
Perhaps just
a little bit longer

See I didn't wanna be alone
Your adoration made me construct
This little fantasy
that you would never
leave me

And now I wonder
What it would have
been like
If only
I had spoken my miiiind

Could have saved my self some sorrow
Could have saved my self some pain
And now I realize
There's no one left
to blame

Refrain: What would it be like
If I spoke my mind?
Would it be so bad
if you left me behind?
I got nobody else
'til I have my self
Set yourself free
and speak your mind!"

i am just beginning to really assert myself. up until recent, i've always been one to avoid confrontations by either laughing it off as if it doesn't bother me or avoid the person / situation if it might be too much for me to handle.

now, i made a promise to myself that i would take care of my needs, including my feelings as i have a right to them as much as anyone else. to my surprise, although it felt VERY uncomfortable at first, the more i put it into practice, i find that not only do i physically feel better (along with the emotional relief it provides), people respect you more for being able to hold your ground.

i did find out though that there is a fine line between stating what you need to and being defensive. i think when i first started to speaking my mind, i would come off as being defensive as my word choices were giving off this type of energy. now, i try to listen to what the other person is saying, really tune into my own feelings and talk directly from the heart without any feelings of wanting a particular outcome. i approach it in the same way as when i give gifts — i give to give, not to expect anything in return. same with when i state my thoughts — i share to share, not to expect any particular reaction from the other.

it did cause some fights between me and my husband, but i've noticed that afterwards, it is appreciated and more so helps the relationship. even with my own parents. even if there might not be a positive outcome at first, i think of it as planting a seed where the idea is there and someday might sprout a flower. i've realized that no one is a mind reader and it's important to share feelings, even if they might not always be positive ones. i believe being honest to our self is the best way that we can care for our well being, physically, mentally, spiritually.

commedesqarcons wrote: i've realized that no one is a mind reader and it's important to share feelings, even if they might not always be positive ones. i believe being honest to our self is the best way that we can care for our well being, physically, mentally, spiritually.

I really like this. I've learned that sharing feelings that aren't positive does not mean that everything will be over. Real relationships have disagreements sometimes.

It's important to learn how to be assertive, but I still find it extremely difficult. Strong emotions make me literally shake, it's terribly embarrassing. Sometimes you just have to power through it. The way I look at it, I would defend a friend if he/she were being trampled on. Can I not do the same for myself? Perhaps if you spoke to your husband about how your MIL makes you feel, he will be more inclined to get behind you. I hope things get better for you.

Thanks for everyone's responses! I'm trying to be more assertive...I'm basically fed up with walking around on egg shells. My H has not taken this change in me very well. He's amtrovert (as I am) but definitely not an HSP. I won't lie...living with him is not easy. As of late, when I've stood up for myself, he sees it as me being combative. Maybe I should focus on not waiting until I'm calm, rather than in the heat of emotion to address an issue. It is also easier for me to be assertive with those close to me...the thought of doing the same with people I'm not particularly close with still frightens me. The ultimate test will come soon enough when the in-laws come to visit. I refuse to be insulted by MIL anymore... My H knows how I feel, but he lets her slide with the excuse:"She's mentally unwell." That may be true but it does not give her the right to treat me badly.

Introvert*
I wish there were a way to edit posts!!

do not wait for this mans assistance... do not waste energy in that direction but rather put energy into developing what you need operating in order to serve your self. This is a good way to approach personal development and later will serve when it is time to choose a partner that is capable of mutuality and connecting empathitically with a primary partner.

Thank you, Zhee...I have come to understand that I cannot count on him to help me with this and am determined to go it alone. I am actually in search of a marriage counselor for us now, and hope something good may come of it for us after some work.

The best way to work council is GO FOR YOUR SELF then if he decides he wants to apply go with him but YOU TEND TO YOUR SELF DIRECTLY. He has to WANT CHANGE in order to change. YOU can serve yourself and get thing done faster with out the lag of resistance. I have done both. couples council and my own therapy. It crossed over. I did myself right by not slowing down or getting to caught with trying to get the other person to BE INTERESTED AND BE INVOLVED WITH GROWTH. That has to happen for you with or with out this other person HUSBAND getting it.

I understand what you're saying, Zhee. I do individual therapy, and have for many years. I'm not going to stop that. But for our marital issues, I've found a Dr for us to see, hopefully together. If my H will not join me, so be it. I will work to maintain healthy and assertive responses to situations that continue to arise, such as problems with family, parenting issues, etc. I never imagined that our once so easy going relationship could become do difficult. I fully intend on continuing to work on myself, though.

Excellent! Sounds like you are on top of it.

What an interesting thread this is. This is my second time reading it '-)

I struggle also with assertive issues. I've always worried that if I assert myself, that people will see me as aggressive. Self worth has a lot to do with our struggles and that's why I entered counseling which will end in 5 weeks.

I've got the HSP workbook also but haven't really dedicated much regular time yet. I've got lots on my plate at the moment so slow and steady.

BTW thanx for sharing the poem, what a lovely expression.