My life was so freaking amazing until jan 2017. I met my 1st "love". Anyway we were together for a day and I broke up with him because my friends had told me things about how bad of a person he was. I wish I would've listened. A couple days after i broke up with him he told me he had changed and I was different. I believed him. why? because i was in love. no boy had ever talked to me before. He asked me out again and I said yes. We "dated" again for 2 days and then he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I don't know how but i only knew this boy for 3 weeks and he was always on my mind 24/7. I felt worthless after he broke up with me. I thought no one would ever love me. Since I was in love or whatever everytime he would talk to me again after every girlfriend he would get and breakup with i would stand by his side. I acted like were just friends but i loved him so much. A couple months pass and in april he asked me if I would send him nudes. What?!? He LIKES ME?!?! I was so happy, but take it from me nudes dont mean anything. I sent him nudes for the first time EVER. I had never sent nudes before and he said he liked them. He had to love me too, Right? When the weekend was over his best friend told me RJ (his name) told him i was the most amazing girl he ever met and i probably would never date anyone again because of the way he did me. He knew he did me wrong. I thought maybe he had regretted it , so being the dummy i am I met him in a closet at school and I gave him a really big hug and told him I loved him. He didn't say it back. He kept trying to unbuckle my pants and I was scared and started shaking. No one had ever touched me before. Every time he would unblucke my pants I would buckle them back. He asked if it was okay but i never said no because I wanted to make sure he liked me but I was nervous and didn't want to say yes either. I texted him later and asked why he didn't say he loved me. He told me he didn't love me and that no one would ever love me. He said the I love you neeeds to stop. So it did. I never told him i loved him but i did. I loved him more than anything. I didn't say it because i knew he would never talk to mme again if i said i did love him and a little bit of rj was better than none so i lied just so he would be there. I thought maybe he might actually like me again one day so i never gave up trying. He was into drugs and I told him i did them just to sound like we had something in common. I didn't do drugs. I was the goodest girl in town. Every weekend i would sit, study and Get ready for school because i only got to see rj at school and seeing rj made me happy. He blocked me and i had no way of talking to him. I felt worthless. The only person i wanted to be with did not want me. That is a horrible feeling. When school got out for summer he unblocked me and told me he wanted to come see me sometime because he could drive so me being stupid and " in love" i told him to come see me and we met at the house above mine. I just wanted to hear his voice, I just wanted to talk to him like we use to, I just wanted him to love me. He grabbed my butt and told me to sit on the bed. So i did and next thing i know his dick is out and he is telling me to take my clothes off. I told him i didn't think i was ready for it and he said and I quote "you didn't make me come over here for nothing." Those words hurt me more than anything. It made me feel so unwanted. How can you just say that to someone. I thought in the mommet maybe he will like me after i do it with him. That was all i ever wanted, Him to like me. So I let him do it. I hate myself for it everyday. After we did it the first time I found out he was "dating" my friend summer. I didn't get mad at him. I got mad at summer. Why? because I was "in love" and i wanted to be loved by him. we contined to have sex even though he had a girlfriend and i thought to myself maybe he will love me after this everytime. He didn't. as soon as he finshed he left. He left me there crying, and i cried everytime. My period was really late one time and i was scared i was prego because it was unprotected and i asked him if i could be. He told me he wouldn't help with the baby and we would never be a family. That hurt. Why did he hate me so bad? I never thought I did anything to him. I gave him everything he asked for because i thought maybe he would love me afterwards. It never happened. I wasn't prego thank god. But at the time I kind of wanted to be. My wish was to be a family. Be together forever with him. He told me he neeeded money so i stole 240 dollars from my parents and gave it to him just to make him happy. If he wasn't happy i knew he wouldn't talk to me or see me at all and "some rj is better than no rj." We stopped talking again because we got in a agruement. He had sent my nudes to everyone. Why? i dont know. i thought no one would date me ever. I was wrong. I met this amazing guy Levi when school started and he was so nice to me i love him so much. He fixed me, he can fix anything. He taught me if i thought i was stupid i would act stupid and do stupid things. Rj made me feel stupid so that is why i let him walk all over me. Me and Levi was in a good relationship, well i thought it was good. Levi broke up with me because his mom told him we were cousins. We weren't cousins he just lied to not hurt my feelings because he knew i had been hurt in the past by rj. Levi told his friends he was so close to smashing me. WTF i thought he loved me. turns out he didn't and i guess he thought " she let rj smash she has to let me smash" NO. well Levi got a new girlfriend quick and i was lonely and depressed again because levi proved rj right when he said no one would ever love me. Rj texted me and asked if i wanted some dick. I didn't just want the dick i wanted to tell him i wanted all of him, his thoughts, his dreams, and most of all his love. He never showe up that night. I wanted him to. I still thought i could change him. he texted me the next day and told me he missed me and i was so happy. I missed him too I thought maybe he finally loved me. I told my friends he missed me and he found out i told them. He told me he just said that because he wanted to have sex and im crazy, anyway he had sex with jodi turner the ngiht he was supposed to come see me so i told him to go fuck jodi turner because i was mad and he told me "shes alot better than your hoe ass." I thought i made him happy. I didn't and how could he say that to me when i was a virgin before i met him and only have ever been with him. IVe only ever had 2 boyfriends and only ever kisssed 2 boys my whole life. It don't make since to me. I've gave up trying with rj and he does bad drugs BAD. not weed but the hard stuff and he drives after. I use to pray he wouldn't die but now i hope he does i hope he does so much. He did not deserve my virgininty and I hate myself everyday for it. ITs on my mind 24/7. Ive lost all of my friends because of it, everyone hates me at school and has my nudes. thanks to him. He is the cause of all of my problems. I shoudve listened to my friends that first day they warned me. I texted levi last night to inform him we are not reallly cousins because i thought there might still be a chance, But he moved on. He calls me crazy too but im not crazy i just love way to much and try so hard to see the good in every person even when there isn't none. What do i do now? eveyone hates me and no one will talk to me because rj sent my nudes to everyone, I feel worthless. I just want a man to love me the way i love. Help, Savannah