Hidradenitis Suppurativa Support Group
Hidradenitis suppurativa (hi-drad-uh-NIE-tis sup-yoo-ruh-TIE-vuh) is rare, long-term skin condition that features small, painful lumps under the skin. The disease manifests as clusters of chronic abscesses or boils, sometimes as large as baseballs, that are extremely painful to the touch and may persist for years with occasional to frequent periods of inflammation,...
A couple months ago I think I almost killed myself. I took about 9 antibotics, 15 norco, maybe 7 tylenol, a few tramadol, a few percocets, a few benedryl and maybe 4 trazadone. Then I laid there for a minute. I guess I meant it this time because I didn't even bother writing a goodbye note or anything. No explanations, no phone calls. Nothing. I imagine my mom finding me. Her daughter, the happy artist. Sobbing over my body without the slightest clue to what could have pushed me over the edge. That's not fair. I have a little brother, how could I do that to him.
I did text about three friends. "Hey, just wanted to tell you what a great friend you've been and how much I appreciate and love you". Nothing out of the ordinary, I often show my affection for my friends so this wasn't meant to set off any red flags. The last thing I remember saying out loud is sorry. I'm not sure who I was talking to. Maybe god. Maybe myself for actually going through with it all. Then I let myself fade to black. I think I may have died for a while. Because next thing I know I'm waking up gasping for air, running to the bathroom and choking on my own vomit. The vomiting continued for about two and a half days. I guess I really did a number on myself, I was miserable. Sometimes I still can't believe I went through with it, I would always tell myself I was going to do it but I really did it this time.
I've never seen myself as the type to grow old. Growing old doesn't make sense for someone like me. I'm too sad, too smart, and too aware to ever last that long.
The doctors started me on Humira. My hair is starting to fall out, what a joke. The one thing that started to make me feel a little better is causing me all these side effects. Most of the time I can't feel my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. That's the problem with this condition, everything is internal or hidden away. So on the outside you look perfectly healthy, and the days you feel absolutely terrible people are looking at you like what are you bitching about? This is from the perspective of someone who has both crohns and hs. Sometimes I wish it were terminal. So then at least I know I wouldn't have to suffer for long.
Dude HS sucks so bad. It's held me back from so much. It's such a shame. I'm so tired. I don't mean to bitch. I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't talk to anybody about this. I went to a therapist and told them how depressed I am sometimes. I told him that these conditions have somewhat driven me to a slight pill popping addiction. The therapist prescribed me more pills. What a joke.
Sometimes I'll check myself into the hospital for pain management just so I can have morphine. And they never turn me down because they get it. These conditions suck and I think they know they can't really help me. They can just give me medication to bandaid the pain for a while. I don't even pray anymore. This isn't a suicide letter, i'm not at that place. I'm just a little sad and need something more than whats been given to me.
I did text about three friends. "Hey, just wanted to tell you what a great friend you've been and how much I appreciate and love you". Nothing out of the ordinary, I often show my affection for my friends so this wasn't meant to set off any red flags. The last thing I remember saying out loud is sorry. I'm not sure who I was talking to. Maybe god. Maybe myself for actually going through with it all. Then I let myself fade to black. I think I may have died for a while. Because next thing I know I'm waking up gasping for air, running to the bathroom and choking on my own vomit. The vomiting continued for about two and a half days. I guess I really did a number on myself, I was miserable. Sometimes I still can't believe I went through with it, I would always tell myself I was going to do it but I really did it this time.
I've never seen myself as the type to grow old. Growing old doesn't make sense for someone like me. I'm too sad, too smart, and too aware to ever last that long.
The doctors started me on Humira. My hair is starting to fall out, what a joke. The one thing that started to make me feel a little better is causing me all these side effects. Most of the time I can't feel my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. That's the problem with this condition, everything is internal or hidden away. So on the outside you look perfectly healthy, and the days you feel absolutely terrible people are looking at you like what are you bitching about? This is from the perspective of someone who has both crohns and hs. Sometimes I wish it were terminal. So then at least I know I wouldn't have to suffer for long.
Dude HS sucks so bad. It's held me back from so much. It's such a shame. I'm so tired. I don't mean to bitch. I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't talk to anybody about this. I went to a therapist and told them how depressed I am sometimes. I told him that these conditions have somewhat driven me to a slight pill popping addiction. The therapist prescribed me more pills. What a joke.
Sometimes I'll check myself into the hospital for pain management just so I can have morphine. And they never turn me down because they get it. These conditions suck and I think they know they can't really help me. They can just give me medication to bandaid the pain for a while. I don't even pray anymore. This isn't a suicide letter, i'm not at that place. I'm just a little sad and need something more than whats been given to me.
I deeply understand and empathize your pain. I have been suffering from recurrent boils since I started University last August. It is unfortunate, and as much as we try to stay positive, the pain just sucks it away. I try to see it as a blessing, as I know that God does not do injustice and does not burden a soul more than he or she can handle. I know it is easier said than done, but sometimes, when I'm at the end of the ropes, I tend to look at those who are in a much worse state than i am in and it makes my problems seem significantly less. If you need anyone to just talk to, I am always here. God Bless your soul.